Dear Younger Brother,
I trust you are doing well today. It has become needful for me to talk to you about this matter again. Ultimately, I want you, not your mother or ego, to be happy in your marriage. There are no assurances; I have seen marriages that had it all figured out running aground. But I believe that when we make the right choices based on the right motives, we grossly reduce the chances of an unhappy marriage. So by this I want to help you realign what you look out for in choosing a woman.
As you already know, I can be ‘UnAfrican’ with some of these views, and it may hit on multiple nerves that will be hard for you to handle. But I hope you will look past your prejudices and cultural stereotypes and listen to reason. By way of introduction, let me sit this here; a woman’s body alone does not make a good marriage. Humility alone does not make a happy home. Breast, buttocks, good sex, cleaning and cooking do not make a good home. What makes a good home is security.
Every home where there is security is a home with joy, peace and hope. Security is not always financial, but it is a critical component. Give a woman security and you will have her for life. I have seen men with nothing securing their wives in many ways to a point where no amount of monetary enticement could make these women look elsewhere. And I have seen men with so much wealth losing their wives to men with no address on Ghana Post GPS, because they couldn’t give these women the security they needed beyond money. When it comes to the 21st Century ‘Woke’ woman, money is not everything; she makes her own, remember?
So in choosing a life partner, choose a woman with whom you can have in your home, for both of you Intellectual, Financial, Emotional, Psychological and Social security.
Intellectual security comes from knowing that you and the woman in your life can put your thoughts together to build a legacy that will live longer than both of you. It comes from knowing intrinsically your wife’s position on things, making it easier to make the right choices on her behalf. The woman in your life should also have the confidence that she knows your position on things so she can make choices on your behalf without recourse to you as to how to dot the ‘I’ and cross the T. Big breasts and cooking, all good, until you realize that in the prime of your life, you cannot trust your wife’s judgment. That is no security.
I dare add that one of the loneliest moments in a man’s life is being married to a woman you cannot think with, not because she has strong views, but because she has no views at all. Yes, you can quote me. Unless you are not going anywhere in life, then anyone is absolutely ok in your boat. But if you are going to be great and go places, then you need an independent brain that gives you another world view so you can wisely make choices after careful consideration. I mean, what is the point in marrying and thinking with someone else who is not your wife? Then why all that pomp and pageantry? For sex and cooking? Please, people get that for far less.
Security comes from Financial stability. You do not need a woman you can push around with your wealth; a woman who will die when you close the tap of your wealth. No, you need a woman with track record of making her own money so you can join forces with her and make ten times. If you find pleasure in a Woman who can’t turn money around, thus making it easier to tie her to your apron strings while you loathe the one who has control over money, has a voice and a sense of independence, then your world view is an unwholesome one.
Remember, independent thinking, brazen choices and hard decisions made her who she is. To expect her to shut up is to tell her to retrogress. No. Respect her voice, her views and her choices. She has proof that they lead to profit.
While you desire an Ephesians 5:22 kind of woman, remember there is a Proverbs 31:10 kind of woman too. If your wife cannot bring anything to the table, or take care of the family in your financial downtime, and it is OK with you because you do not want a woman to compete with you, then my young friend, you will carry needless burdens. Do not look at the downside of a successful woman (through the distorted African cultural lens) and overlook the benefits. Not all successful women are unruly; and sometimes, unruliness is a perceptual thing that cannot be proven through an objective lens. A financially pressed home is an insecure one.
Emotional and psychological security also make a home work. You need a woman you can disagree with over issues and not get blackmailed with tears because they cannot make any intelligent defense except to gag you with tears. You need a woman who knows how to isolate issues and address them objectively without throwing things out of orbit. You need a woman who is emotionally mature to hold herself together and not give you drama or draw drama out of you. An emotionally mature woman will know and respect your sensitivities and consider it in her social affairs, ensuring that she doesn’t excite you unduly.
To live under the same roof with a woman who doesn’t give you emotional and psychological security is just like living in a house with a leaking roof in a rainy season. Ko ko ko ko… The sound of her contention; and it never ends. How does she handle your failings? How does she handling your weaknesses? How does she even handle her own failings and weaknesses? If you are not psychologically and emotionally secure in your own marriage, nothing matters; not breasts, sex or continental meals.
Security is also social and academic. You want your SSS leaver or your HND leaver so you can Lord over her, and forbid her to go past that. You lock her down with her first degree so you can be her Go To place when she needs to think through the lens of modernity; you become her Wikipedia. Until you rise up in life, and the woman you thought was apt for you back then, does not fit into your broader agenda. When you sit with women who shake and move the world, you realise your wife can’t be like that. When you need help and other women are helping you, you realise your wife has no such social equity. You suddenly realize that SSSCE mattered 15 years back, but not now.
Have you seen your MPs and other New Money guys who broke through from the lower strata of life, suddenly going after fresher and smarter ladies? Yes. They didn’t have a choice. They couldn’t afford a degree girl then. You can afford a lady who has social value and equity. You have access to women through whom a whole new dimension of life can be opened to you. You have at your disposal women who are a leverage for your future. Do not let petty unschooled ego take the only thing that may set you apart for something great in the future. If your wife cannot give you any social security, if your life is exactly the same with our without the woman in your life, brother you may want to rethink who you are throwing away and who you are elevating.
And for those of you who are connected spiritually, there is nothing like a woman who can hold the fort when you are down and out. There is no security as a woman who can stand in the gap when pressures of life make you run faster than your God. There is nothing like a woman who offers an alternative way (through prayer) when every other way is exhausted. There is nothing as securing as a woman you can trust to take Godly and sane decisions because she fears God. A woman who will stand by you in the midst of all your struggles as a couple, and not abandon you when the turd hit the fan.
You will have to give up something for something, my dear friend. Your ego must go so you can accept that the 21st Century woman will not be like your grandmother. Your Ego must go, so you can have a wife like Abigail, who covers up your foolishness with shrewdness when your very life is at stake. Your ‘Petty’ Coat must come off with all its ancillary lightweightedness and airheadedness so you can be like the Husband of the Proverbs 31 woman. That is a husband who is known in the gates, not because he works hard and is the only voice at home, but because his wife props him up.
That woman considers fields and buys them, she has ships. Her husband is not her accountant or auditor or her investment advisor. Her husband is her cheer leader, because the man believes in her shrewdness, and intrinsically understands that if that much money is given to him, probably, he will mess it up. But you see, he is still celebrated. It can be you, You can be celebrated for your wife’s success; yes it is possible…except... maybe the money will still be in her name. Yea, that is the bit you can’t handle. You will be fine.
You need to give up something for something. You need to let go of the past to enjoy the marriage of today. It is a new dawn. You can embrace the woman of today so you unleash her full benefits as your wife, or you can reject her so you go after those with little or no utility, and live a life of frustration and a home of disequilibrium. It is a scary thing but it is a beautiful thing. If other men would be honest to discuss their experiences, you would know you can actually enjoy your home married to such a woman.
In the end, if you earn 10k and she earns 10k, that is 20k. Who needs a wife to cook or clean or wash? Why can’t you get two people to do that for 1k so she can Slay and make things happen in the world around her…. Just like the women you drool over? And in all of this you are pressing your parents to send your sister to Wesley Girls or Holy Child. And after that where? UG? Ashesi? Then where? Her masters? And all of this so no man marries her? No. You want her married so she can enjoy the bliss of a fruitful companionship. But for you, another man’s sister who has also gone through that process is an anathema for you? Bruh!
Enjoy your weekend, think about this letter and meditate on it. Let it guide your choices and may you find lasting succor in times of confusion.
Paa George Sebastian