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'Bring back polygamy'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Abeg, stop insulting me in your head o. Polygamy was our original culture which was to promote equality such that every woman must have a husband.

Isn’t that fair? Ah! Korkuvi paaa, you didn’t want an unwanted baby yet you went after somebody’s innocent daughter who was sitting her somewhere and your ‘distin’ suddenly popped out and took to its heels and went to hit this lady ‘by accident’.

She becomes pregnant and you don’t want? You lie bad! It was deliberate; no be accident biaaa; she was in her unsafe period!

Yeeeei! Please come, come and see something o. Ablavi has just sent me a message that she needs something. Fortunately for me, after my last quarrel with her, she turned her WhatsApp on in such a way that after 24 hours, every message to or from her will disappear.

I won’t read that message till after 24 hours when it will automatically disappear. If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer! Hahahahahaha!

It is a great day to relax and your ‘BP medication’ is here again but please don’t read! How careful can one be again! Ah! Sometime ago, I checked my BP and it was through the roofs! Doctor said I should go on leave so I could rest. I went on leave for ten days and the BP came down and I felt refreshed.

The very first day I resumed work, all the days that I was on leave, the body recorded the BP ‘left overs’ as arrears and accumulated them for me. This time round, my BP did not shoot through the roofs o; I had a flat tyre! Let’s examine this BP matter again. It is the reason someone would say the best way to avoid stress is to STOP WORK; PRODUCE PERMIT! That one too, hunger go kill you so abeg, manage am like that!

But the children we so much desire and legitimately give birth to nowadays, them be wild o. I am beginning to fear my own children in these days of technology. Herh! I realized my children have become addicted to watching movies on Metflix and it was taking so much of their time.

Uncomfortable with that, my wife got upset and said she was going to block them from accessing Metflix. The following day when my wife was about to block the phone, you won’t believe what these children had done to the phone la – they put a password on it.

Welcome to the ‘useless column’ where all abstract stuff are poured without any meaningful lessons to learn from!

‘Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothe being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished’. Proverbs 6:27-29).

It was some time in 1999 when I visited, Quami a friend on admission at the hospital. His body was swollen from his waist down to his feet. Every other part upward was very normal and healthy but could not e anything fr many days. He was a handsome young pharmacist who the ladies in his neighbourhood liked so much.

He fell in love with one of them and forgot the fact that every action has a reaction! The lady was someone’s wife! May Quami’s soul rest in peace! Upon all the yet-to-get-married ladies out there, e bi married woman he wanted to have a 2-minute fun with and unfortunately paid with his life.

This one, whether your lover’s husband knows about it or not, you would still pay for it if you go ahead pretending to have the fear of God in you.

I advised this other guy about how so many terrible things that could happen to him without himself being affected directly but it will SURELY happen. Lord God have mercy and take me out of that hot coal.

Never be deceived that you have no control over your body except when you have a running stomach. Let’s stop blaming the devil for every conscious offence against man and God!

Is it not better to have a polygamous husband than a cheating husband? Fafa’s answer to me was an emphatic YES! She further explained that it is better to know that your husband is gone to Ablavi rather than being lied to about a church meeting that has never was!

What then can we do about men [including me] who are legally supposed to have one wife but we have secret multiples and still go to church to deceive ourselves? Ei, this God too, He is merciful oo! Hmm!

‘The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom’ summarises the whole Bible but do we fear Him? I am not a moral judge because I am equally very bad. Sin fascinates and assassinates. Many men are behaving like my Uncle Ganyaglo.

When you advise him to marry a second wife, he would say it is ungodly and Christians are not supposed to do that. Yet, he has one million hidden concubines. Why do we keep deceiving ourselves? Let’s make polygamy official and be free la! Free? Hmmm!

Believe me, if there is a referendum today as to whether to legalise polygamy or not, I am sure even some men of God will all vote YES! Yes or No? People have problems with being with the same person all the time and so easily get fed up and that is normal.

Unfortunately for us, men, whether we are fed up or not, we would by all means cheat! But for our wives, it is haram to do so oo, hahahahahahaha! What an unfair world. Man cheats, it is normal; woman cheats, it is atrocious!

We have different levels of sexual sins o and the highest and the most abhorrent for and man’s highest form of human provocation is sleeping with another man’s wife. Dare not o, Bro!

It is in Proverbs Chapter 6 somewhere like that o! I repeat! If a man does not fear anything at all, not a sexual relationship with another man’s wife. It means death o! At least that is what my late father told me when I was growing up.

The good news is that the Bible did not say: “single ladies, do not sleep with another woman’s husband”.

The people who wrote the Bible are really good especially David and his son, Solo! Ajeeeeiiii! Hahahaha!

I am of some conviction that if the law permits us to officially marry more than one, life will be sweet.

Herh, some mosquito just bite my leg. The wildest mosquitoes I have ever come across are those around Alogboshie. Ei. They bite with swag! You can virtually count the number of teeth they have.

One of the easiest ways of dealing with these mosquitoes is to open all the windows and doors of your room at 6.15pm, allow all the mosquitoes to enter the room, shut all the doors and windows on them and go and sleep outside. Dasorrr! The way you would sleep soundly er, you have no idea. I’ve tried it and it worked.

It is often better when your house is near a big smelly gutter with bushes and refuse dumps all over the house. It helps prevent malaria. That is when mosquitoes organize their zoom meetings with every member physically present.

Try it and don’t thank me bcos you may not live to thank me later if malaria catch you.

On this note, may I suggest that we legalise polygamy so that there would be competition such that when Ablavi knows about the existence of Adwoa, Yaa and Afia as co-wives, she will behave? This ‘monopoly’ of one wife is not helping us o, even me.

I don’t want to ‘hide’ again! I want to have more since beside every successful man is a wife! I want to be more successful so I want one beside me to the left, another to the right, another in front of me and another behind me so that I will be successful all round! Na BP go kill me as a result of multiple wives’ pressures. Hahahahahaha! That white-man’s idea of one-man- one-woman must change! I want to be wise like the Biblical King Solomon!

Shhhhhh! On a more serious note, even though I am a proponent of having polygamy legalized, I think we should leave it the way it is. Keep one officially known one and plenty unofficial ones outside so that when the official one annoys you, you have every right to vex and go to town to where you have rented that single-room self-contain for your girlfriend! By the time you return home proper, you would have imported joy to the house! Hahahahahahaha!

Have a great day and remember SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASSINATES! Tataaaa!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu