Kwame Gyan’s 2021 note to our bronya borgas – Dampare Edition

Kwame Gyan 21 Kwame Gyan

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 Source: Kwame Gyan

Abusuafuor, bokorr dieer? How are we again this time of year? COVID-19 still na bastard, abi? Yes it is, but surely better than this time of year last year. Anaa you say Omicron has come to make things manyaaa?

We are back at this again, and for the eighth year running. Yes, we have been doing this since 2014 and oh boy am I excited!

Borgas, Akwaaba! You know we like it when you are around. You bring us toffees, clothes (both used and brand new), winter shoes (though we have an average of 28 degrees weather daily), etc. We are also happy whenever you come around because you are the side dudes and side chics of many of our people and we are happy when they are happy.

To our borgers - (oh to our foreign audience, ‘borger’ is a ‘Ghanaianised’ term for people who live abroad and visit their home country every now and then) – yes, so to our borgers, here we go again with a brief guide for you as you prepare to journey back to the motherland.

I will remind you of a few nuggets from previous years that are still very relevant in addition to some new ones. Let’s start, shall we?

1. There is a new Sheriff in town.

Oh! yes borgas, there is a new Sheriff in town. His name is Dampare, and he does not like picking calls from big men. The new IGP was first appointed in an acting capacity in July 2021, and confirmed sometime in October 2021. Since then, ‘bigger than life’ Shatta Wale has tasted a week’s stay in Police cells after one of his usual antics went over the bar and did not amuse the new IGP.

You know the ‘big’ pastor called Owusu-Bempah? Yea man, the one that people say is the President’s pastor. He also spent some time in Police cells after he thought he could use his ‘spiritual clout’ to beat some police officers. Medikal too has tasted cell time for needlessly showing off a pistol on social media.

Chale so while you are here, behave as responsibly as you do in your London and America. If you fool, you will be dealt with, Allah!

2. Our Christmas hit song is called ‘What shawa say’, and believe me, it was not planned.

Borgas, chale we were there norrrr then Gospel artist Cecilia Marfo took out her smartphone and decided to also record herself during one of her rehearsals.

Well, you know she is a Twi-speaking artist and her English is here and there (honeho). So in singing the popular English song, ‘What shall I say, onto the Lord…’, all we heard was ‘whatshawasay’. There norrr you know how we dey like. Beat makers put a beat to the vocals and that’s how we got our Christmas jam. The story norrr that!

Yes, we are sorry for our hard working artists who were hoping to create the Christmas jam only to be beaten to it by an unplanned, unwritten, unproduced What Shawa Say.

3. Spend wisely while here, please, na krom aye shi

Some of you come here and in your minds, you came with stronger currencies so you get surprised when it gets finished quickly. Massa, you think when you buy 450 cedi whiskey bottle for 3K at a club nu, your monies should be multiplying? When you decide to ‘take the bill’ when boys boys and gers gers step out to chill what do you expect? There are lots of times that the Ghana boys sef get more money pass you but we spend with wanna heads unlike some of you show-offs.

Please spend wisely wai, na Ghana no be cheap kraaaa. Chale seriously the town inside make hot. Boys and girls all make broke. But we dey. Ghana stay by plan should be your mantra, especially those of you who will be staying in Accra.

4. If our COVID-19 rules are hard, then we beg, don’t come!

Well, just as Uncle Boris and GrandPa Biden are doing everything they can to protect you people from dying needless deaths via COVID-19, it’s the same thing Addo-Dee is doing here ooo people! If you think our laws are too ‘draconian’ and all the other big words you want to describe it with, please stay in your new country. We don’t want any wahala. After all, your first allegiance these days is not to Ghana anyways. For example, if you arrive here unvaxxed, oh we will vax you one time at the airport. You don’t want our vaccine? Then stay in your new country and leave us alone. After all, you people naaaa have been bringing the new variants here. We don’t want no troubles.

5. ‘I don’t have Cedis on me’

Reminder: forex bureaus still work in Ghana. The jalabia wearing money-changers around the Airport are still around. Stop that nonsense as though when you give us foreign currency we will not know how to spend it. If you are broke, say you are broke and stop all the weak lies.

6. Watch out for ‘Random Police searches’

Take it from me, when the police are doing random searches, their targets is not always, necessarily the criminals ooo. Most often, all they want to see is that little piece of weed you finished smoking but mistakenly dropped on the floor of your car. At that point, they will quote you all manner of laws and assure you that you will spend 100 years in jail unless you agree to ‘solve’ the ‘problem’ right there and then. They are patient enough to escort you to the nearest ATM or mobile money vendor, even if they are 2 hours away. So be steady paaa. The police are your friends all right. However, remember they are also your bully in uniform and as many as are correct, there are as many who are not correct. If you have cute recording devices, bring them and record clandestinely when you can. With your evidence, trust me you will get your money back and help clear the streets of dirty cops. Remember Dampare…..yea man!

7. ‘We’ve got street cams, we’ve got street cams’

Yes, I am singing this right now. The Police may not be able to link your number plates with your home or office address pronto, but trust me they see you and over time, they can catch you. When you see those white, long poles with cameras pointing north, east, west and south, they are street cameras that actually work. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

8. Get your ‘chilling calendar’ updated

Some of you want to come here and attend every show. Please slow your roll. Accra is Africa’s number one Christmas destination. This means the shows are in abundance, even during COVID-19. If you do your too known things and want to be at every show, be prepared to leave town with your body feeling beat and your bank account not looking so happy. So pick the shows carefully. My favourite Afronation is still not back after the awesome events from 2019, but there are plenty more – Rapperholic, Afrochella, Wildafest, Festival of Lights, Roverman Plays, Tropical Fiesta, Legends Nite, Samini Experience, Polo Beach Club, Around the World, Akwaaba this and that, plus all the clubbing you can have across Accra’s favourite clubs and joints. Look out for those joints that pop up just at Christmas and varnish by January 5. Them dey bee pass! But note this, you have to be vaxxed to attend a show so take the advice at number 4 seriously so FOMO doesn’t kill you!

9. Let your pocket decide where you chill, people

We told you last year to find your level when it comes to chilling wai? You must know by now that there are places my beloved Club Beer goes for 8 cedis. Same beer also goes for 25 cedis elsewhere. So look at your pocket and know where to go. Don’t come and use your borga accent and go to places you and I know is above you. Your accent does not give you a discount.

10. Sights of Accra

You all know that Accra’s main avenues and roundabouts get spec’ed at Christmas thanks to Corporate Ghana. Take the sights all in and whiles at it, do not remind us how it looks like some street in New York, London, Toronto or whatever. Just enjoy them, take photos, and let the world see the beautiful Ghana and not just the other parts which are some way.

11. Drop that accent if you wish to buy anything at local rates

By now you should know this! An aburokyire accent automatically jacks up the costs of whatever you want to buy by some percentage. See, we know you can speak Ghana English and even pidgin too. Don’t come with your accent and expect that you and us will pay the same thing for whatever you wish to buy. It is what it is!

12. Your accent vs Our LAFA

We have talked about that your accent saaaaa so we won’t even go there. Except to say that, if you start, we will match you pepeepe and you naaa it will shock you. We don’t watch movies kwa. We have learned paaaa. You can be assured that LAFA will win. What is LAFA? Locally Acquired Foreign Accent.

13. This is Ghana, there is NDC vs NPP in everything we do!

Yes ooo, in this country, everything we do, there is an NPP vs NDC angle to it. We don’t care that you people are just here to chill, see family, show-off and go back, remember the NDC vs NPP angle to whatever you do, say or not do or not say. That’s all.

14. Obedient Immigrant vs Rascals at Home

Please don’t allow the spirit of indiscipline to enter you when you breathe our air – don’t litter, don’t piss anywhere, don’t jump red, just don’t do any of those things you can’t do in abrokyire. We are tired of you living like law-abiding immigrants in Abrokyire and becoming rascals the moment you land here.

15. You want our gers eh?

Please our girls have studied your play book ooo, cover to cover. You go get some eat. But you go pay paaaa. If you didn’t know let me tell you, some of the boys here have given their women permission to do ‘business’ small. Dem go chop your money simple kraaa. Oh and same goes to the boys too. Gers = Girls by the way, the uninitiated, take note.

Ya Pon!

So that is it for 2021. Enjoy Christmas in Africa’s number one Christmas destination. We are happy that you have brought, or will be bringing in money to push our economy. We thank you. Have fun and feel free to buy us drinks should our paths cross. After all, what are friends for, eh? Or you vex? If you vex, vex eh!

While at it, remember COVID-19 is real and we have it here too. Take the precautions serious and don’t throw your weight about by heart like some of you like to do.

Columnist: Kwame Gyan