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'My Wife Smokes'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

You see what happens to us, fathers? My wife wished me Happy Fathers’ Day last Sunday when the date has not even arrived. The fact is no one is really interested. I am waiting to see what my wife will do for me.

Though her professional career takes a chunk of her time, she still smokes fish as a hobby. I know this Sunday she wishes me proper Happy Fathers’ Day with some smoked Akosombo fish inside light soup with some shell fish to balance it to be eaten with fufu.

She is still not on talking terms with me just bcos I lied to her when she saw a receipt on which I had ‘Fiezta’ among some flu medications I bought from the mall pharmacy last Friday night! See, the truth is that if you have not been caught in a situation like this, then you are not a real man; you are probably a scam. Hahahahai! It’s Fridayyyyyyyy; let’s have fun la, ah!

If your job is such that if you work hard in your role everyone sees it, the day you slow down, everyone will notice it too. Similarly, if your role is such that however hard you work, no one sees it, don’t worry.

The day you slow down, no one will see it. True? Why don’t we take fathers too as seriously as we take mothers han? Some mothers always want to present themselves as being the only ones who have the welfare of their children at heart.

No wonder some children in celebrating Mothers’ Day keep saying ‘and my mother had to sell her cloth to take me to school’. Some mothers are always selling cloth especially those whose children are now motivational speakers; I wonder how many cloths some mothers have that they are always selling. Ah!

Every day ‘and my mother had to sell her cloth to take me to school’. Who else should sell cloth? My father also did and sold a lot though I can’t remember apart from the unnecessary beatings I received anytime he saw me happy or angry just to prove that he is the Boss! Let’s give fathers too small credit.

That’s what some people do to fathers giving society the opportunity to insult us instead of praising us as great fathers! Up till now, my children don’t know the fact that I am the one who pays their school fees. It’s all because it is their mother who goes to the school to do the payment from my pocket!

So, the children may probably start seeing me as just ‘one of those things’ and some mothers have a way of winning their children to their side when growing up.

The reason some fathers also take advantage to go and cheat though from my experience, there is nothing really sustainably nice being in extra marital affairs apart from 2-minutes of useless enjoyment, hours and days of stress, money-wasting, time-wasting and possible lifetime deadly diseases.

The other one that can give sleepless nights for the rest of one’s life because it has the potential to break one’s family apart is going ahead to make another woman pregnant and introducing her to your wife as ‘a mistake’ or ‘by accident’. Is that how accidents happen? Then the Biblical Solomon is the Father of all such accidents!

That is why I think it is advisable for every man to cheat at least once. Nobody will advise him to slow down; please remember, I didn’t say ‘stop’ o; I said ‘slow down’! Ajeei! Men, we will kill ourselves yet blame it on women that women will kill us! If there is no demand, certainly there would be no supply.

Do you remember Ayeshetu, that my sweetness eyi? I recall when my partner traveled to school. It was a fine opportunity to ‘fill in the gap’. Occasionally ‘they’ would come late in the night when everyone in the house including my landlord was asleep.

Landlord was a bit suspicious because my room was the closest to where he and his wife slept and so occasionally could hear sounds of ‘kpluya kpluya kpluya’ coming from my room knowing very well I was alone in the room. I am sure at some point, my landlord thought I had been charming until he saw one fat lady with her small handbag walking fast fast to pick a taxi one dawn; she came out of my room.

I got to know when I heard landlord laughing in through the window to his room. That was when I realized that my modus operandi had been exposed! By dawn, the ‘thief’ would have sneaked out and when we all wake up in the morning, my landlord and his wife would be looking at me some kan way as if to interrogate me on the ‘kpluya kpluya kpluya’ sounds the previous night or dawn!

I kept ‘importing’ so long as my wife-to-be was not in town. Tall, short, fat, slim, beautiful, ugly face but big back, I ‘imported’ them all. Majority were for ‘useless’ fun but a few thought once I wasn’t married yet, they had a chance! Chance for where?

I remember before renting the room the original colour of the paint in the bedroom was pink and I changed it to blue before occupying. After a while, I realized that the footprints on the left wall by the bed had footprints of different sizes exposing the original colour pink especially the left feet of the different girls I ‘imported’. Apparently when the gers came in, they rested their feet on the wall as their feet were peeling the blue paint and exposing the original pink paint.

Then there was an entertainment programme at the Conference Centre. I’d arranged with Ayeshetu after which we’d come home and ‘fall asleep’; it was going to be sweet o, hahahaha! Ayeshetu was a neighbor, very soft and bordorrrr and well known in my area especially for her involvement in church activities.

When we closed from the show and got closer home and about entering my room at about 2:20am, I honestly knew it was safe and I could go straight into the room with Ayeshetu because my landlord and his family were expected to be sound asleep by then.

No oo! As fate would have it, just upon reaching home, I realized everybody was at home around that time sitting very close to my door chatting. Ebei! At this time? I played smart. I asked Ayeshetu to ‘reverse’ and go and wait for me behind the house and when I confirm they have gone to sleep she can stealthily sneak in and what can come, came!

As to why they were still awake, it was because of a snake they claimed they saw in the living room and tried to kill it without success. It was getting to 3:13am and my people were still outside la. I convinced them to go and sleep because snakes don’t normally bite ‘by hat’ so they should go and sleep and nothing would happen but still...

Ayeshetu was waiting outside in the cold weather. I kept calling her undertone: ‘Aish’ ‘Aish! Aish! to assure her the people would go and sleep soon so she could come in. Finally, around 3:54am, they went back to their rooms to sleep. Thank God Ayeshetu could come in now. I called her phone – switched off! Alla!

I came out walking around the back of the house and there she was lying down by the hedges sound asleep with phone on low battery and mosquitoes having a field day on her. Ao! I was filled with guilt! Your ears sweet you o. You want to hear the rest? You lie bad! Hahahahaha!

With all the above sins, why wouldn’t Mothers’ Day be sweeter and celebrated in a grander style than Fathers’ Day! As Fathers’ Day approaches, all you hear people saying on radio is that: ‘The way my father didn’t take care of my mother and us er, God forgive him’.

On the contrary, however, you would find such people wishing people who were NOT their biological fathers well for mentoring and supporting them in life.

Fathers, we can only do our best; all things being equal, we will die before our wives and they together with our children would be left to enjoy and insult us asking for God’s forgiveness for our souls anyway. ‘Forgive your father’, ‘Forgive your father’! Fathers? Good? In the eyes of society? Only God!

Happy Fathers’ Day in advance and remember not to be angry with anyone who promises to call you back and fails to do so; mostly it is not deliberate because there are too many things seeking attention from people in today’s world including imstagram! No vex o, hahaaaa!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu