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'She bombed me'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

My brother, whenever you see me eating coconut with cassava ampesie, don’t assume it is aphrodisiac o; it is a sign that man must survive, regardless. I am surprised upon all that is happening globally, some people are still having sex, even in Youcrane! Hahahaha!

Another weekend is here with us and we give thanks to God we are still alive and can even read what we have been asked not to read. Ei, Awony3!

The moment one starts talking about the fact that it is more luxurious to drive a manual car than driving an automatic car, at that point you should know that poverty is winning; the gods may be angry!

Gari and beans meal has been trending and has not stopped trending. The positives about the meal poured out on most online news portals and social media handles in the past few days were just amazing.

I never knew I was doing myself a favour many years back eating ‘aborbor and tataley’ with zomi on top cascading down to fill the pores of the cooked beans and the gari drenching the cocktail of the semi-fluids combination! For many people, mixing the meal into ‘concrete’ immediately before consuming it does the trick for them.

But I tell you, the best way to enjoy gari and beans is to first scoop the beans (cooked o because I know someone reading this who does not care eating it raw…hahahaha). Pour zomi (red oil containing salt) on top, add a little zomi-ba (i.e. the under of the zomi) before pouring the gari on top with some ripe fried plantain (tataley).

Some people call the fried plantain korkorr (red). You know the name of unripe plantain is different from when it ripens from bordi3 to korkorr. After that, allow a few minutes for the temperature to come down small and then you can now start eating.

Eating gari and beans hot hot like that can subtly burn your mouth and you may not enjoy it. Even if you did, for a few hours, your mouth may not really taste anything nice. Gob3? I just don’t like this new name. Simply yor-k3-gari, aborbor, or ‘veyi’ traditionally and conservatively sits well with me.

The ‘yor-k3-gari was corrupted and used to name an eating joint in Motown we called ‘York City’. It is very close to the Achimota School Hospital. In our days, it was an offence to go to ‘York City’ to eat.

The smartest way was to take a chit to say you are going to the hospital and then you go and eat yor-k3-gari after which you proceed to the hospital to ‘satisfy all righteousness’ before returning to campus.

Many people are used to the black eyed pea type for the meal. There are other types of beans used in making the meal. Ever tried the red beans? You would love it. Yor-k3-gari is the cheapest meal with one of the highest contents of protein in it. A lot of people don’t like eating gari and beans after 5pm especially if one decides to add boiled or fried egg to it.

Most men give problems to their wives in the night as one’s stomach suddenly becomes the annex of atomic energy commission! I recall the day my wife drove me out of the bedroom to go and sleep in the hall because for her, it appeared I was becoming a Rossian soldier in my sleep! Quite embarrassing to be freshly married and exposing my wife to such ‘dangers’; it can lead to divorce!

But when the tables turned er, hmmm! Be careful what you dislike; you might possess it too. Unfortunately for her, there was this occasion when she also ate gari and beans with fried egg after 6pm.

According to her, that was what ‘came to her throat’ and she needed to enjoy it with no other compliments than fried egg. After eating, she mixed some ‘carbell milk’ to drain it down for the yor-k3-gari to settle down in her stomach well. These three apex elements can cause any other battle tougher than the one happening between those two ‘mansu’ countries. Then we went to bed; I was the one who slept first.

At about 11pm, I heard something that sounded like a slight earth tremor because of where I live. We are told is an earthquake prone zone; so these things are normal with us.

Then 2 more ‘tremors’ came in quick succession and it became evidently clear that my wife was manufacturing ‘3tuabo gas’. I tried to be a man to control the flow of the distin into my nose by covering it with a blanket but still the ‘fragrance managed to ‘sail through’. Lord God have mercy! I woke her up with minimum force for her to go and use the washroom. She resisted with the excuse that ‘washroom use no be by force’!

I tried to drag her out of the room for ‘security’ reasons; she still resisted. At the end of the day, I had to compromise and went to sleep in the hall and left her there alone to e ‘producing and inhaling her by-product’ all alone and bombing the room.

The ‘for better for worse we said, has it gotten to that? Then the following morning, though I hadn’t eaten her beans and egg some, when I passed the thing she made me inhale during the night, the smell was the same p3p3p3p3!

Nowadays, she has made it a hobby any time she feels like punishing me. Ablavi, my before before side chic never ate gari and beans before throwing such ‘bombs’ unless upon my request for the fun of it! Hahahahahaha! Happy yourself with all these unserious article o.

I was at Adabraka again yesterday afternoon to buy food. When I got to the fried rice joint which usually has long queues, the queue was virtually non-existent. All the patrons have moved to the gari and beans seller and the queue? Very long. As usual, I parked my car and found out from one gentleman I knew, Sena.

The Sena I knew who used to eat fried rice a lot started preaching to me that he has stopped eating fried rice because it is junk food and gives a lot of cholesterol.

Obua! Salary finish! Abeg, that was poverty talk because we have crossed the middle of the month and purchasing power is nose-diving. So Sena wanted to tell me all the people who eat gari and beans will live forever abi? I sarcastically quizzed.

He kept preaching while a few other guys in the queue were laughing. They were in neck ties too. One remarked, ‘gob3’ is the best meal ever. Why not! I insulted him in my head! I even asked him since when he got to know this for a fact and he was like that was what some expert published and it was trending.

I wish I could personally see that expert and his kitchen. The way I am tired with some experts er. Today this expert comes to say if you are eating, don’t be drinking water along. Another comes to say if you are eating, there is nothing wrong when you drink water alongside eating.

The most annoying one was a recent publication by another ‘expert’ that when you have sex before driving on a long journey, you are exposed to the risk of getting involved in an accident.

Oh uncle expert, why? I don’t know whether he was speaking from experience or from his research, where all the people involved in accidents told him that it was because they had had sex before embarking on the long journey that they got involved in accidents. Ah!

We have more serious businesses to tackle and today that, tomorrow that research. Recently, another ‘expert’ came to say sucking breast does not prevent cancer contrary to a BBT publication some years back.

Kenkey that my forebears have been eating since time immemorial and lived lives for so long, someone sat in his corner some over 20 years ago and came to scare us that kenkey causes cancer from a something called aflatoxin.

Ah! I rose against such a research and ate kenkey at least 3 times in a week and I still don’t have cancer. I believe all those who eat kenkey have not complained about cancer after eating kenkey for many years. I am not too sure about this aflatoxin research but I think it was a foreign researcher [I stand to be corrected]. Weytin concern foreigner with kenkey we eat here in Ghana? Ah!

Have a nice weekend and remember to be careful with what you share with anyone who seems to care ‘too much’ about you. Let’s count our blessings instead! Number one – we are still alive!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu