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'The Wedding MC'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Sat, 2 Jul 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Did you know that ‘a man that knows how to use his tongue is very useful?’ Please do your own interpretations and leave me alone. The weekend has started and it is hurraayyyyyyyyyyy!

Among all my friends whose wedding receptions I moderated, did you know that only one attended mine when it was my turn? Dr Samuel Amoah was the only one who sacrificed all his time and came to emcee my wedding for me.

The rest had one excuse or the other; they didn’t come. Such is life! That is not the most difficult part though. I have for some time now found a subtle way of declining to moderate wedding receptions. Not again unless of course the person is extremely close to me. That one, I will manage.

You see, the most difficult event to emcee is not the large gathering of corporate people who you would want to entertain and let the programme flow and end on time.

But weddings? Alla! When the bride’s family is giving you one instruction, the groom’s family is giving you a different one. The bride herself comes to tell you her cousin’s work mates are the people going to pop the champagne.

An unknown auntie from nowhere comes to say it is not proper so they have already arranged for some church members or cousins of the groom to pop the champagne. Another one comes to tell you to slow down small because ‘now before the caterers are coming’.

Interestingly and the most annoying part is when that young man keeps coming to tap on your shoulders with a piece of paper while you are still talking into the microphone expecting you to stop talking and announce that a car has blocked somebody. Eish! Akora Kaphui Deh, you dey? I know you can relate paaa. Hope that is your final answer. Hahahahaha!

When it is time to cut cake, that is when the wife of that pastor who has been married for 35 years would come and be giving historical data about the significance of wedding cakes in resolving marital conflicts before she would pray into the microphone which at this time may be running on low battery. ‘Wedding cake must be bitter and sweet’. Who says we don’t know? Ah!

At this point, many unknown persons keep coming to you to tell you they have not yet been served. A DJ whose job is to be by the console would come with his crew that you should drop the microphone and fetch food for them.

The most annoying DJs are the ones who consistently play mundane and monotonous gospel music that nobody really listens to instead of playing music that will move people to dance. We keep deceiving ourselves with these gospel tracks as if they guarantee a successful marriage.

As the MC, you have a tough task to tell which language would go well with the audience. You say a joke you are comfortable telling in English and everybody is looking at you like ponpiiin! It can be frustrating. You try to speak Twi or Ga or Ewe and you may end up getting it wrong especially if the guests are yet to eat.

It is time to eat and the host (bride and groom) would want to be the ones to take the first bite before their guests and that practice has come to stay. In fact, for me and culturally so, the wedding guests must eat first and the couple must be part of the last batch to eat. This is what we do when we invite people to our homes, or?

It is often the signal that marriage is naturally a mixture of everyone giving you his or her side of what you must do to succeed. Make your own judgements just like the MC would do when all the people from different angles keep giving him or her different instructions.

For those of you having your weddings this weekend, give your MCs some breathing space.

After all the work is done, they would go on a honeymoon to deceive themselves that they are going to do the ‘thing’ for the first time. First time for where? Tweeaaa! Hahahaha! To be fair, a few do it for the first time. Do what? Hahahaha! Appreciation to the MC? Majority would forget like the guy who invented the number ‘zero’; thanks for nothing! Wedding MC? I have retired!

Why not skip tomorrow’s funeral and rest, Kofi and attend a wedding? The only problem I have with funerals is those funerals that start at 8a.m. I’m not a ‘mourning’ person o.

On Saturdays, I like to have a prolonged sleep and make coffee the way coffee is made unlike the way Moses does his. You know how Moses prepares his coffee? ‘Hebrews’ it.

If I have to choose between going to a wedding and a funeral to attend, I would choose the latter. I think there should be a law tied to the Biblical scriptures that if anyone gets married, there should be no divorce except in cases of spousal violence.

I was a virgin even after university. This was not because I didn’t have feelings o, but because a former law court judge who is a great advisor to me kept telling me from my Achimota days that I should forget about girls for now [that was at the time] and focus on my books till I finish university.

The first time I tasted the ‘thing’, it was during my national service and it was so sweet and I began having regrets for denying myself all the sweetness earlier in life.

Those were the days I could be in the room with my then girlfriend and all the songs you would hear playing throughout the night was: ‘Move to the right in the name of Jesus, move to the right in the name of the Lord”. The compact disc was put on replay throughout and my Mum thought me and my girlfriend were praising God. Hahahaha! It was a decoy just to deceive them.

So after my wedding, my wife’s relatives danced very well. Contrary to what people say that when your wife’s relations dance too much at your wedding, then it means she has a child somewhere without your knowledge, it was not the case with my wife.

Honestly, I would have loved to marry a born-one as they are the best marriage materials because of prior experience. They know what they have gone through and are more likely to cherish your union better than the ones who…who…who…hmmm! This is especially so if you treat them well better than their baby papas.

Meanwhile these baby papas will go round looking for single virgins to marry. You see how unfair men can be to ladies?

So I yielded to peer pressure and went in for a girlfriend after marriage. She loved me and I pretended to love her too. She started calling me: ‘Dee’. I was told later by my ‘womanizing mentor’, Tikay that as soon as a lady advances to calling you like that, then they are beginning to assume the role of a wife so it would be time to start giving excuses!.

On and on it went until one day she told me: ‘Honey (the same way my wife calls me), I love you so much and wish your wife dies so that I can take over”. Eish! Really? Hmmm! To be continued.

The platitude that sin fascinates and assassinates is so real. Refer to Genesis 3:17 and Psalm 128:3. The problem here with the latter scripture is that some wives begin to take the union for granted after marriage.

When boys boys meet and are conversing er, the akpeteshie ones would often open up and tell you the troubles they have. The pretenders like me would say everything is fine; it’s a lie o. Hahahahaha! We are suffering papa. Hahahaha!

Some of our wives don’t know how to keep us to stick to Psalm 128:3. But for people like Kofi, his wife gives him everything…yet he still cheats with those girls. He is just a congenital womanizer and this I keep warning him to slow down; not to reduce it oo.

Women have power and when they show it small as if to threaten you that, if you cheat, I will cheat some, men behave better. No be so? Ajeeei!

Have a nice weekend and remember ‘bad company corrupts good character’. Beware!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu