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Useless Column: 'I dodged the left breast'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Sat, 30 Oct 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

One of the things I hate about pharmacy or chemical shop attendants is when you go there to buy medicine either prescribed or over the counter and they tell you: ‘oh this brand you want, we don’t have but we have another one that does the same thing and is very effective’.

It just puts me off and often the substitute brand is not as effective as the attendants would claim. I think they should be professional by telling customers that: ‘oh we don’t have this type but try from another shop and if you don’t get it from there, you can contact your Doctor to prescribe an alternative brand for you. If don’t have, you don’t have; medications are not like ‘let-me-try-and-see’.

So is it true that some men also suffer from breast cancer? Just asking o though I’d heard that the percentage is very small, in fact negligible. My first visit to one such patient was when a colleague requested I accompany her to visit her auntie who underwent at Korle Bu. I couldn’t enter the ward and so waited for my friend to go and come.

On her way back, she was in tears! Her auntie couldn’t make it! Hmmm! Lord God have mercy on us!

Getting a job has never been easy; at least I got to know this some 20+ years ago after graduating from university and expecting to get a job that came with a nice car and a bonglo. Hmmm! Surprisingly, our children who have just completed tertiary education still have such wild dreams or rather expectations. It’s getting more serious as the population keeps exploding.

When the National Population Council (NPC) people talk now, we would be shouting that they should allow us to born born by heart bcos there is unquantifiable feeling in our waists that need to be discharged as babies!

You remember I told you about that professor who I used to live in the same neighbourhood with? He has a solution to everything. He would never say NO to anyone looking for employment with his ‘connections’. He has worked at many big places before and so very well connected in terms of employment issues.

Anytime anybody goes to ‘Prof’ for a job, his response was often ‘No problem; just bring your application and attach CV’. Not a single soul ever got a job through ‘Professor No Problem’. He won’t do it la. You know why? I don’t even know. Ha!

This time, the ‘connections’ are still not really working because we plenty and only a handful of graduates want to go into entrepreneurship.

So upon all the business and financial information in this serious medium, all you are interested in is this unnecessary good-for-nothing column? Your wife will insult you through your daughter. If you like stop reading this and see, but woe unto you if you should read it.

Please forgive me oo, ‘s3bi s3bi, I am one of ‘my people’. Haaaa! I just love my people and their eyi…Ho airport is still the busiest airport in the world. People are flying every second but you can’t see them with your physical eyes. From Ho to Kotoka: Departure time: 9am. Arrival time: 9:01am! Speed be what! Alla! My people dey form o…hahahahahaa!

Moon die moon die as today is October 29, 2021 and salaries have been paid and I have my own payroll for my gals. They are the only ones who receive salaries and no income tax is paid on it. I don’t even know what I get from them before they still receive salary from me o….hahahahaha!

By Sunday, all the noise about breasts breasts breasts has or is coming to an end! You pass here they say feel, touch, squeeze and suck…gently. Yaovi, my cousin di33333….oohh d3bida! When he got drunk 2 weeks ago, he just jumped on the wife singing ‘doctor says let me do it for you to prevent it’. ‘Do what for me to prevent what?’ The wife would ask. He has been doing the thing as if chewing boflot.

If the thing is supposed to be that tender to reduce chances of breast cancer, why all these advices to suck, and some men do it quite gidigidi! New born babies were our competitors in the month of October. Thank God it has come to an end. I told my wife I would do last one on Sunday and wait till October 2022.

Why not make it every Friday of the week before October 2022? How will we enjoy? We have to wait till one whole year before the noise starts again? Or breast cancer happens only in October? Sometimes I wonder what we men get from it o; there is really no taste apart from the feeling of yiiiiii with the potential to lead one to enter the net. Maybe the breast cancer preventive component is a good reason otherwise...??? Ironically, my wedded wife and the ‘other ones’ feel they are doing me a favour. They don’t know I am rather becoming their breast doctor!

Effective Monday November 1, my wife says she will suspend me from ‘preventing any breast cancer’ and that I don’t even do it well and that I’ve been doing it basa basa basa. I said no problem. I will by all means get some from my ‘vendors’ p3333!

If you refuse to ‘cook’ at home, e no bi ‘outside food’ I go chop? My only problem was with one left breast I had to dodge after I had observed that some hard lump was in it and subsequently I had to be dodging that particular left breast. But the lady was understanding and saw it as a symptom and went for early checkup. Later after doctors had attended to her, that particular left breast became bordorrrr and ‘not a bad idea! Breast will kill us, men.

My only problem is that I don’t know what excuse to give at home again if there is the urgent need to to to….to do what? For some time now, every Friday after work I tell my wife I am going for All Night. It has become monotonous and she is becoming suspicious. I want to change my strategy.

Or should I tell her I am going for a board meeting Tuesday night though I am not a board member anywhere or I should ‘fall sick’ by force? Or I should travel outside Accra for an artificial end-of-year retreat? Please give me ideas la ah!

Somebody advise me as to what to do with Ablavi oo. After the last threatening message, she sent me another one and it would blow your mind. This time, at the end of the message was a smiley and guess what the smiley was…a sharp knife! foto!

Why is it that when some wives want to insult their husbands, they do so through their children? We call it ‘insult by proxy’.

Last Sunday, I heard Mantse Kumah’s wife yelling at the daughter who had just woken up from sleep. ‘Korshiwa, you are lazy, you are drunkard always chasing girls who will only chop your money’. Korshiwa, a girl oo, getting drunk and chasing girls? Imagine the indirect free kick! Hmmmm! Mantse Kumah was only somewhere dancing to Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s not easy’ in great frenzy.

His wife, Korshiwa’s mother continued ‘when you, Korshiwa return from work all you do is to throw your useless boxer shorts on the floor for me to come and pick. From now onwards, I won’t do that nasty job again. Am I a slave to you, Korshiwa? Korshiwa, I say am I a slave to you?

‘You lost your last job because of drunkenness and inefficiency in ‘preventing breast cancer’. Korshiwa, you will kill me one day. If you continue drinking and you lose this job too, I will pack my things and leave you though I don’t know where I am going’. ‘Korshiwa, be careful oo.

This marriage to you Korshiwa is just a waste of my precious time. It took you 8 years to pass your O level Maths yet you won’t learn sense’. Trust me, Mantse Kumah, the husband has decided to ignore all of these as he is becoming wiser and more accommodating. That’s the way to go, or?

At this point, she calls Korshiwa to send her on an errand and discontinued with the insult till Korshiwa returned and she resumed. So you Mr Reader, what do you want to hear again? Are you Korshiwa? Haaaaaaaaahahaaaa!

Have a thrilling weekend as we bring the month of October to an end and stop talking about breast! breasts!! breasts!!!

Can we also dedicate a month for the distins of men as well? I heard they can get fractured when erect and that calls for attention too. Our wives should help us also to prevent the possibility of such fractures in our distins, whichever way they choose to do it. As for me, I wouldn’t mind.

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu