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Useless Column: 'My wife beat me mercilessly'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Fri, 19 Nov 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

I am still wondering why this is happening o. I can conjecture that all the universities especially the public ones have products of theirs who teach in senior high/technical schools.

When you go to Adisco, Legon has products teaching there. KNUST, same, UEW same, UCC, UDS same. Come to Achimota and Presec, the products of these universities are there as well.

Go to Kampushini SHS, all the tutors attended the same universities but how come some of the schools do better than the others? Abeg, don’t think about it; just relax and see Presec take the NSMQ again for the seventh time and I like the way they put it: ‘We are SEVEN a living God’. Lovely!

Today is WORLD TOILET DAY and come and see the queues at….hahahahahaa! This is what should actually qualify to be called the ‘Thank God It’s Friday’! They say open defecation is not good but some people are still doing it.

I was surprised I spoke to one guy by the coast recently and he told me there is a pit latrine in their house but they don’t like using it but prefer to use the beaches.

Whaaaat! The belief was that it was bad luck to use the pit latrines because when one person ‘downloads’ and another person comes to download on it, it means that first-person whose download has been downloaded on by the second person would have his life suppressed and he will never be successful in life! That is the archaic belief o. Hmmm! You see what some of our beliefs can do to us?

The WC is good but have you ever used the WC and some of the ‘thing’ got stuck to the back of it even after you have flushed? Men in particular will go and come back and direct their urine to cleanse that part. Me I do it a lot especially after flushing several times and that small ‘indelible ink’ refuses to go!

Shhhhhh! Please keep this secret to yourself and don’t let anyone hear this o. It is between only you and I. It’s too embarrassing to be talking about this. I used to hear that some wives beat their husbands but I never believed it till it happened to me. I heard it is so embarrassing that they feel shy to report it to the polis. As for me, I will go to DOVSU. If this has to continue, in no time, I don’t think I can continue. How can my wife be beating me every year?

Henceforth I will not allow my wife to drive my car again! Last Saturday she complained of her car overheating and so asked to drive mine so I go out in trotro to Tantra. I often use that my own car for ‘useless all nights’. I was there when she called that the car had a flat tyre at Lapaz.

I was quite sympathetic to her. Initially, my mind didn’t go ‘there’ until I remembered what made my heart miss a beat! I had kept ‘some things’ in the car oo. What if she sees them? Sin fascinates and assassinates indeed. Sickness does not kill; sin does. These are not my assumptions but it is in the Bible that: ‘the wages of sin…’.

I was so worried to the extent that I nearly got knocked down by a car when crossing the road. Before I could advise her to get someone to help her fix the spare tyre which was in the spare tyre compartment in the booth of the saloon car, wahala appeared!

Under that spare tyre were left overs of phiesta, durex feathalite, ‘whet and wild’, ‘barebak’, and a used pack of ‘linda evening after pill’, among several others including tissue with some sticky dried eyi bi on it. Each brand had either one or two left overs in different colours!

I dropped the call and told her I was on my way to fix that spare tyre, and that she should wait; she should not touch anything. My worst fears were confirmed when she said she has already changed the tyre. Changed what? She managed to remove the spare tyre from the booth and fixed it herself.

I asked her whether she saw ‘anything’ when removing the tyre and she said ‘yes’. Asked what she saw, her response was: ‘Nothing’ but I knew there were ‘somethings’. Chai! That made me more uncomfortable. I had to start verbal responses to query I was not given by force. Bisa me ooo, Fatimah!

Indeed when I got home, I checked and lo and behold the ‘things’ were still inside the spare tyre compartment intact but slightly moved to a small one corner inside the booth. With my hands on my head, I screamed (inside my head): ‘I kill myself ooo, yeeei!

This morning I forced her to confront me, in fact ask me something so I can use takashi to explain so I can be free. I cannot sleep. She’s still not saying anything. I beg saaa but still. Fatimah, please ask me oo, guilty co go kill me la. Anyway, I know what answer to give.

Or I should scare her that if she doesn’t ask me ‘the relevant question’, I will start drinking alcohol? I know she hates alcohol more than anything else and she will beg me not to drink. The evil I keep doing is creating problems for me! Whenever I resolve to stop, I find myself doing it more so no more resolution o. Hahaaaa!

This was the kind of thing that if I should receive beatings from, I would not mind bcos I deserve it but for my wife’s alma mater, Tamale SHS always beating my Achimota School, I still keep wondering. They often beat us with very tiny margins too la. It is becoming too much la.

To lose a contest to Tamasco again and the annoying Tamasco boys were all over social media humiliating us that after all, they hadn’t even prepared for the contest knowing Motown was an under-dog pained me more and very devastating. That was what Tamasco did to Achimota again last Wednesday. …it is a goalllllllllllllll! Tamale 56, Achimota 48. Ajeish; they beat us kportorrrr!

Before the National Maths and Science Quiz, my wife and I went into a bet that Achimota would surely beat Tamale SHS by a stretch of not less than 15 points. The bet was that I would give her GHC1,000 if Tamasco won and she would give me GHC500 if Tamasco lost. Anyway, I’ve since managed to give her part payment of GHC650.00.

At the KNUST Great Hall, when I saw the contestants Adisadel, Presec, Prempeh and then I saw Tamale! My heart missed a bit! These boys again? Hahahahaha!

All this while, what kind of beating were you expecting? If my wife’s school Tamale SHS beats my Achimota School in a Science quiz, is that not beating? Don’t bring yourself. Happy weekend to you all and keep thinking positive about others and your negatives will turn into positives too! Even if it means converting one of your rooms into a toilet for your tenants.

That does not mean that you should be a victim of witchcraft by taking your side eyi to kenipiniski to eat lunch while you pretend you are fasting; then you secretly sneak out to go and eat gari and beans across the road at Afia Sadaland Chodrens park o.

May you be recovered from the clutches of your village ‘pipos’ who are in partnership with collaboration with your work place detractors in Jesus’ name I pray! If you like don’t say Amen! In case you have not done it today, then you are not feeling well! Get well soon by visiting the eyi….Happy toilet day!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu