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Useless Column: 'Paracetamol Magic'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Sat, 10 Jul 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

I am still often puzzled by the difference between Britain, UK and England o. The confusion is still there because if the British Embassy had given me visa in 2001 to go to London to tour the place anka, by now I would have known the difference. But just last Wednesday, I seem to get the understanding that it is called Britain when you want a visa. It becomes UK when you are there and finally it becomes England if it is about football. E no bi so? Congrats to England for beating Denmark.

Ever wondered why it sounds more diplomatic and publicly acceptable when we say ‘pinis’ instead of ‘paynis’ even though it means the same thing? When you are in the UK, that is how they pronoun it but when you come to Ghana, we say it the way it should be said – paynis and then you are seen as vulgar! What is the big deal about pronouncing the thing the way it is so long as it brings about! In my hometown, we call cat ‘pussy cat’. When you come to Accra, you have to be very careful where and how you use that word. It becomes something else very difficult to say by hat. Hmmm!

Yes! Yes! yes! I am really surprised at some people o; when everybody is thinking about how to get protected from this deadly COVID 19, some people are seriously still having s*x. Heartless people! Shame on to me, hahaaaa!

The Achimota Delta thing is still a big deal for me o. I can’t visit my childhood friend who is a Tutor in the school just because of the infections. Is it only in Achimota? Just asking o.

I was in one of the university campuses in Accra recently and…Lord God have mercy! Free for all! No mask, congestion, talking-by-hat and laughing kwakwakwa without face masks on. It’s a pity some of us are still taking this COVID thing for granted and feel we are doing somebody a favour by wearing the face masks!

I never knew ‘common’ paracetamol can do such magic o. I was recently feeling some way and thought of just getting something from the pharmacy. So I called one of my reliable Medical Doctor friends to recommend the strongest pain killer for me. To my surprise, he rather advised me to get paracetamol tablets and if it persists, then I call a helpline. That one made my heart miss a bit for reasons best known to you and I.

Ah, para paaa, how? Is it not common to hear people say that ‘Oh when I went to the hospital koraaa, all they gave me was para and bico!’ Now I understand why! It worked for me within minutes and I was fine, sweating and shocked! Healing can also be in the state of mind o, or?

Don’t start thinking what you are thinking o, Ablavi, my side Chic! Now one can’t even fall sick again. A mate passed on recently and when it was put on our school platform, someone asked: ‘what happened to him?’. And the poster responded that he had died in an accident. Oosh! Guess the remarks of yet another one: ‘Oh may his soul rest in peace; this corona thing is causing a lot of havoc o’.

The guy has made up his mind la! What is the relationship between an accident and corona? So every death must have been caused by coronavirus, abi? Many of us have all become like my 82-year old mother. When she falls sick small norrrr, she feels someone has juju-ed her wanting to kill her.

At age 82 and frequent sickness is caused by an enemy? Oh Africa! No need for post-mortem because we know the cause – somebody wey finish am even if the person is 120 years old!

People go to the hospitals with cold and when the doctor asks them: ‘are you coughing’, they would respond: ‘No’, with a cough! All because of stigmatization! But I am glad a lot of people feel bold to tell their friends nowadays that they have contracted COVID and they are cool with little or no stigmatization.

People really don’t want to give or accept lifts when driving o. I used to be the ‘Mr Nice Man’ giving anybody lift ‘by hat’ until the pandemic. Nowadays when driving, even my closest neighbours, I pretend I have not seen them and drive off.

But how long could I! then I devised a strategy such that I could socially distant myself amidst the corona fears of a spread. How for do! So the few I could not avoid, when I offer them lift, I intentionally start coughing and sneezing uncontrollably. At that point, they would just advise themselves and tell me they want to alight because they have left something at home.

So what would have been the use of the ear lobes if COVID-19 had not happened? I know a guy who was attacked by thieves and his ears were chopped off some 10 years ago. Saul was a nice-looking guy until that incident. I am just imagining how he is managing to hang his face masks now. Only God’s forgiveness will help those thieves. God in His own wisdom gave us ear lobes for a purpose; after millions of years of human existence, it is now that COVID has revealed the real purpose of the ear lobes – to hold face masks!

Ehern, have you also received calls from some strangers of late saying they don’t even know how they got your number but they have had a dream about some lotto numbers to give you and when you win, you remember them? I tried it twice and the two sure numbers he gave me didn’t come near the numbers that dropped.

Anyway because I didn’t want to know once in a while I stake lotto, I often get the number of the lotto operator, get him the numbers and send momo. When I lose, I don’t even go back there. I am yet to win one day one day! Haahahahahahaha!

There was this guy who kept calling me and I told him I was a pastor and he kept insisting that I should try. I ignored. The following day he called me to demand his commission and I told him I didn’t stake. He didn’t believe me and indeed when I checked, the numbers dropped. I was full of regret.

So I requested he gave me some other numbers and I tried with my last 200 Ghana and promised my wife I was going to win lotto that day so she should go ahead and buy anything on credit. Up till now, she is still ‘jossing’ me for the money I promised from the lotto. The guy didn’t call again.

Then I called him the next day to confront him. He asked me to send him momo of GHC72 to buy some things including some brand of toffees so that he would give another 2-sure for me to win! That was the end of my ‘useless contract’ with him. I’ve blocked him mpo.

Have a nice weekend but try 2-sure single 1 -10 tomorrow and if you don’t win, please don’t insult me in your head o, hahahahahaha!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu