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Useless Column: 'Put it inside for me'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Sat, 7 Aug 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

You see the irony of life? Life is funny o. I met a friend at the hospital recently and he was conspicuously disturbed. Reason? He has been diagnosed with diabetes. He was even more worried the fact that among his siblings, he is the only one who does not drink alcohol yet he’s the only one who developed diabetes.

He exercises regularly, he eats on time, he takes in more fruits and vegetables; he does not eat late yet…The things we fear and be careful about, hmmmm! It’s only God o. Ei! I am still wondering how! Ehern is it true that excessive akpeteshie drinkers hardly develop hypertension and rather it is liver problems they develop? If true, then that is another irony of life! No bi so? This life no balance kraaaa!

I once visited a university professor with a friend early in the morning. He was about drinking tea and he said something. Apparently we thought he said: “you are invited” and then swiftly me and my friend responded with one voice: ‘Oh we are okay, Prof; thank you, Sir”. And then he retorted: “oh you were not the ones I was even talking to”. Case close! There norrrr the tea finish before they brought the bread! Hahaaaa!

It’s Fridayyyy and pay dayyyyyy! I go booze roff! Belakwa is my favourite. Me and my wife met a prophet at church last Sunday. That was my first encounter with a fake prophet la. People say it but I never believe o. Ask me how I got to know. He told my wife in my presence that she is the luckiest woman on earth because ‘from what he has seen in the spiritual realm, her husband Mawuli has never cheated on her, so she should take good care of me’. Come and see the look on my face, as if I should protest and correct him but I ended up saying ‘Amen’ to the Halleluyah chorus that erupted in the church auditorium. What a prophecy! What saved my guilt from being exposed clearly was my face mask.

Ehern, I’ve been thinking about this o; have you observed that it is only in Ghana that private cars appreciate in value, with time? I bought a car in 2008 at GHC11,000; I sold it last week at GHC20,000! I don’t know how this magic happens but that is what happened la. The lady who bought it paid an initial amount of GHC18,000.

The last GHC2,000 payment was received just this morning. I went with her to use the ATM card. First she inserted the card into the machine and withdrew it before inserting it again; she explained to me that sometimes for security reasons, there is the need to do that. I have not used an ATM before so I just admired how she did it.

Oh it was nice. She pushed it into the machine and punched something kpin kpin kpin and money came out piaaaa! She now taught me how to insert ATM card into ATM machines but said I should make sure there is enough money in my account before I do so otherwise the machine will say: ‘Insufficient Funds’.

Ei white people are good o; they can make you save money in a wall! Korshi Broni? My only problem is about the variants that keep coming and korshi broni does not seem to have a firm control and we too are refusing to wear face masks. Ebei! Today, it is Chinese variant, the next day, it turns out to be Indian and then Delta and before you know it, it is Tsui Bl3oo or Togbe variant! I don’t know how true this is but I saw somewhere on social media that there is a new variant called Colombian variant trying to emerge.

Anyway concerning the ATM card, at least I have learnt something new and that is: how to insert an ATM card straight into the wall the right way! The reason I love that radio advert that ends with: ‘k3 womi hami’ (meaning ‘put it inside for me’). I just love hearing it as many times as I wish, the fact that it is even the voice of a lady! Put it inside for me. Put what inside? Hahaaaa!

I hope you remember three years ago, when my salary was paid and I went to give myself a treat at Penpinsky! Just before I start eating, a call came through from Ablavi and she was like: ‘Baby, I need to see you! We have to talk o. What time would you close from work; it’s urgent o, hmmmm!’. Then at this point I wanted to know why she wanted to see me as she kept me sweating. Then I begun to feel uneasy and asked: ‘Ablavi, give me an idea as to why you think we should meet so urgently; just give me a gist’. Then she replies: ‘Baby, I can’t say everything on phone but we urgently need to meet; hmmmm! ‘Is everything okay with you?’, I quizzed further and she replies: ‘well, …hmmm, you, when we meet’.

I was virtually begging her to give me an idea because, she had set me thinking about my worst fears: ‘I have not been feeling well in the past 4 days and went to the clinic today that’s why we need to meet’. Several questions kept running through my mind scatter it in the process! Or could it be HIV test she went to do and they said she has tested….? Ei! ‘Ablavi please speak louder, there is background in your noise’, I craved her indulgence even though I could hear everything loud and clear. And then her phone went off! Alla! I tried calling back one million times. Cannot be reached!

There is nothing as self-torturing as a man in this state! At this point, I was nearly tempted to discuss it with my wife back home bcos chances that I may start talking about my worries in my dreams for her to hear are high.

Did I eat the food? If it were you, would you still have had appetite for that food? Ah! This is a serious matter o, Deku.

Extra sinful marital affairs and the stress they can bring you er! U have no idea! I still maintain that every man should cheat once and feel the stress that goes with it, after which nobody will advise him to quit. Sometimes this side-chic ‘jamboree’ is to unnecessarily get ‘help’ from outside but does it really solve a problem?

Hope you know about the cobra-effect where you create more problems while solving a problem! I don’t know why we men don’t like peace of mind kraa like that. Don’t be careful o, yoo. We often forget that SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASINATES’! I won’t advise you to STOP o bcos the moment you stop, it means me too I have to stop and I don’t like that!

Enjoy your weekend and count your blessings rather than focus on the things that are not coming the way you wish in spite of your prayers to God. If in doubt, think about just that one WISH of a rich person bedridden at the hospital. Don’t go and ask him oo, yooo!

Just wear your face masks, wash your hands with soap under running water and stop sneezing in public ‘by hat’! COVID is real and the variants are confusing! Let’s do our best and [God forbid], if it happens, God himself will know we have done our best but….hmmmm!

Lord God have mercy on us and make the virus smell like the inner part of a KVIP so that people will wear their face masks without being compelled to do so. Mapon!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu