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Useless Column: 'She cooks at midnight'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Wed, 23 Jun 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

There is nothing more heartbreaking than when you are not on talking terms with your wife and you see her on the phone going up and down talking to someone and laughing kwakwakwakwa.

That thing dey pain o. Alla! You would be torn between apologizing for what she did wrong to you or wish you leave the house for her to continue with her calls or at best her phone should run on low battery.

It is even more annoying and irritating when you leave the house to avoid such ‘annoying scenes’ and then upon your return, the house is quiet and as soon as she sees you, she picks the phone up again and starts laughing with someone on the phone with her head raised up exposing all her teeth. Ei! My brother, the earlier you apologise to her and make up quickly or stay in perpetual pain the better o.

Don’t expect your wife to be the one to apologise for making you upset o. Be the first to apologise and you would forever have peace in your heart. Marital quarrels no dey finish! ‘If you think marriage is hard, try divorce’ were the words from a friend who initiated a divorce for something they could easily have solved but his ego would not allow it. I pray against any separations as we prepare to mark fathers day this Sunday.

Makeup today and happy yourself wae na life is too short. She cooks for you and you say you no go chop because you bore. Not today’s wives o. They will eat your food and be singing in addition much to your annoyance.

For all you know, she is also tensed but doing that just to annoy you to see who is who. They are in charge o, yoo. You think you are equal? You lie bad! It is everywhere like that just in case you think your ‘problem’ is too much!

My mother-in-law’s daughter and I have signed a Memorandum of Understanding since 2017 that my protruding stomach which is a function of late eating must be brought under check. So we had agreed that I should eat before 6pm wherever I choose to eat before I get home from work.

That MoU was working effectively till she heard last week that refusal to eat your spouse’s food is against the law. Ern? Now she decides to go contrary to our earlier MoU and cooks food for me even after 11pm and insists I eat. She argued that the laws of the land supersede that of me and her ‘useless’ MoU! Ei! Anyway a friend advised me recently to just put my finger in the food and lick it and leave the rest. That should suffice. I think that is a good advice, no be so? Hmmm!

How I miss my father! We were the best of friends. He would send me to buy him akpeteshie ‘quarter’ for him. On my way back home, I would drink small. He wouldn’t notice. Then after taking his, he would start singing some songs bi he himself never understood. When he staggers to the right, I would stagger to the left in joy! Unknown to him, he thought I was imitating him till he found out later that I was also sipping the ‘thing’ small small’.

He would beat me and expect me to keep quiet and at the same time expect me to cry!

If I didn’t cry, trouble; if I cry then he would get excited!

You see fathers’ day and the confusion that it is characterized with? Last Sunday people were wishing happy me and others Happy Fathers’ Day on various WhatsApp platforms. Many people didn’t know whether it is the second or third Sunday of every June.

This confusion is not unique to this year o but it has always been like that. You won’t believe someone even wished me Happy Fathers’ day on Mothers’ Day. Am I a mother? Oh men! Let’s cancel fathers’ day and invest more into Mothers’ Day celebrations er, or? Mothers are special, you know.

I lost my Dad almost 28 years ago and I am glad he was the first to go. If it were to be my mother who first went, trust me, my Dad would have brought in another woman to come and mess our lives up which is often the case. He lived responsibly and took care of us to the best of his ability but trust no man when it comes to quickly going in for another woman when he sadly loses his wife.

I learned when I was a kid I was very stubborn. I could climb a mango tree, fall down and cry aaaaaa. As soon as I am done crying, I go back to climb the tree again. I am not surprised it has come to stay in my life

‘Honney, sup? I miss you papa. I need to discuss a few things with you but when you close. I now asked what exactly because I hate being kept in suspense’’ so she went ahead: ‘Please I am about to fill the form for my national service and will be grateful to know if you can fix me at World Bank since you know a lot f big people; I just bought a machine for making hot dogs like snacks and left with GHC250 that I will use to buy the items to do it and so now I need GHC420 to do adverts for it on social media.

For my business to thrive, I need to start saving towards buying a motor bike but I had to use the money to buy handouts for the semester and now pay for project work and some other items such as millo and miliki and cornflakes.’ God bless you’.

The above message was received from Yawa who is temporarily ‘sitting in’ for Ablavi who is out of the country to study Nursing! I blocked Yawa immediately on whatsapp. Na me born am? All these demands on me, yet your father is in America. What is my crime? Small enjoyment and then ‘I want this, I need that’.

The funny thing is that men, we never learn. We would go in for another one and the cycle goes round and round! The girls we go after always ‘beat’ us with problems yet we would go again, causing ourselves heart aches thinking we are enjoying. Enjoying what? Stress!

Yes, yes, yeso, when a side chic says “God bless you” …does it work? Asking for a friend la ah!

As for money for rent? Hmmm! They didn’t know that it is due to Accra rent that the prodigal son went back home. hw3333! Almost every single lady you want to…to…to….eyi needs rent yet they use some of the most powerful smart phones which they would tell you belong to their mother because they had lost their own phones and so put their chip into their mothers’ phones to make calls! If you are budgeting for rent for your side eyi, please add phones and their broken screens in advance o, yoo.

You see the problems we give to ourselves? This Sunday I know what my wife would serve me with – kokonte and wele soup. Whether as punishment or in honour of our special day. Meanwhile when it was Mothers’ Day, she got pizza and fruit juice from me o.

Anyway, I wish all men a Happy Fathers’ Day which takes place on the 3rd Sunday of every June. But trust me, next year, men would be confused again as to whether it would fall in the month of August or January! Hahahahahahaha!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu