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Useless Column: 'She used my face'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Sun, 8 Aug 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

These children that have come er…I don’t know what is happening sef. They are so ICT savvy to the extent that they are able to break into your phone and you wouldn’t even know. My password in locking the phone is so unique to me the same way fingerprints are so unique to every single person since creation till the next yet unborn babies! If you don’t believe in God at all, fingerprints alone should tell you how unique you are and you did not come into this world by science!

When I buy data, it does not last and I didn’t understand what was going on until one day when I just decided to watch my CCTV. There she was: Ablavi, my daughter who saw me using my face-lock as my password. Not knowing anytime I was sleeping, she would come and swipe my phone over my face and it would open and she would go and watch metflix movies saaaaa till the data runs out and she would come and put the phone back by me borkorrr.

Last week, we had a fight. She brought me home work and asked that I should help her do it, as to be expected. ‘Was I in the class with you when the teacher was teaching you, Ablavi?’ I asked. She was like “Madam Cindy gave it to us to come and do at home, that is why”. ‘Good. Madam Cindy, your Teacher did not send it to me oo, Ablavi”. Unfortunately for her, it was a Maths related homework. Me? Maths?

What do we have in common? After many years of struggling to sail through factorization, she expected me to embarrass myself in trying to help her ‘simplify’ her homework so in the night she would go and be laughing at me with her siblings that ‘Daddy doesn’t know anything ooo, common factorization sef’. I used takashi in an evasive manner. Next time, I doubt if she would bring homework meant for her to me to solve. The impudence! Na me they give the homework? Hahaaaaa! It’s Fridayyyyyyyy and thank God the week was divided into 2 courtesy Founders’ Day on August 4! The way I slept er…kw3333! The stress level has gone down.

‘Pastor, I am owing somebody GHC40 and cannot pay. Anytime I see the person, I dodge or walk s33s33 (in reverse order). I want you to pray for me so that God can intervene so I can pay or you can let the one I am owing write it off’! Pastors are suffering o! others actually pray for their creditors to die for the thing to gbena y3 j3m3! So you don’t know that if you owe you have to pay back? Or is it the fact that anybody can just call a radio station bcos a pastor is available on radio?

The church, whether on radio, online or wherever, is supposed to be a place to have a relationship with Jehovah God not a solution centre or a clinic. Many of us are fair-weather Christians seeking God’s face only when we have problems. When a friend calls you only when he or she is in need of something, is that one too a good friend? Ahaaaan! It is the same way we make God feel anytime we only seek Him when we have a problem. If you are far from God, the devil gets closer and then you run back to the same God for solutions to fight the devil – what a reactive strategy! Ah!

When life became tough at some point, I started seeing visions. I could see what would happen in the next minute and it would come to pass! I think I was so lucky I was personally called by God to do his work and ‘win souls’!

When the thing started, I thought it was magic, though I reckoned that hunger can make you hallucinate – clear symptoms of cases of psychosis and manic disorders, in my own case! I could look at people and tell them ‘their mothers are women’ and they would believe me and give me money! I was enjoying the ‘ministry’. Occasionally I failed in my prophecies as nothing happened to those ‘victims’ of my prophecies.

I managed to get a small cyto classroom where we used to preach, dance and sing. The church started growing. My wife was the Sofo Maame. She suspects everything in this world being superstitious. She sees cockroach inside fridge and she sees either her auntie or my uncle coming to put poison in our soup. The next thing she does is to waste the blood of Jesus: ‘I bind you with the blood of Jesus’. Ao! If you are wasting the blood of Jesus on a little cockroach, what would you do if you come face to face with the lion, Auntie wife?

I started preaching on radio KML. That was when you would notice that either many people have a problem or maybe God does! The phone-ins broke my heart. Ei. Somebody can call you to tell you ‘Pastor, pray for my husband bcos he is having a toothache’. With an artificial patience, my response to this one was for her to send her husband to the hospital first but she got angry with me bcos her husband’s problem was spiritual and not medical. Yea! God has a problem and pastors are suffering.

Someone called to say I should pray for him bcos he has a problem of womanizing. Though I didn’t see that as a problem, I still prayed for him anyway.

Whenever there was a revival in my church, people would come with the expectation that you would prophesy about them. Even if you don’t see anything prophetically, they insist you have to tell them something at all cost. One lady after putting in GHC100 in the offertory bowl which she claimed was a gift to God was upset with me. Why? Bcos after praying for her, I didn’t see anything and she expected me to say she should be careful with her colleagues at work bcos of what I saw spiritually or I should have told her that something bad would happen to her. It is true that the churches are full not bcos of snakes and scorpions but bcos of fellow human beings but must everything be spiritually motivated? Haaba!

Someone’s prayer request was that since he finished his national service 4 years ago he has been praying from Monday to Sunday in Achimota forest but still has no job. What does this one want God to do if he is using working hours to pray instead of looking for a job? He is still there saying ‘I receive’.

Some will come with prayer requests to revenge someone who has offended them and expect God to ‘strike’ their enemies dead. Some of these are the ones that resort to juju if their enemies are not dying and are still progressing.

Testimonies of missing goats being found later were in abundance! Some will call you and you won’t even know how to go about the prayers!

Another person called ‘pastor, for three days now, I have not been able to visit the toilet and something tells me it is a spiritual withdrawal of licence by my auntie. Wey kan licence? ern! Another one called to say her male cat has disappeared for 3 days and so I should pray for the ‘cat to come home so that the devil will be put to shame’. The craziest of all the prayer requests was this: ‘Pastor pls I am a hw3so mami (caretaker) of somebody’s house at Gbawe and I have lived in that house for 5 years now since it was being constructed. Now the house owner says he and his family are moving in. Pastor, please let something happen to him so that he forgets that house belongs to him’. How will God answer this prayer? God indeed has a problem! Ei!

As for my church prayer team, they call themselves ‘Prayer Warriors’. They were a bunch of konkonsa people and stylishly exposed the ills of their friends in the church. ‘Beloved, Cynthia our sister has suddenly fallen out of love from Brother Jacob all bcos of the last failed abortion that resulted in she giving birth to that sick boy two months ago. Yes, the Bible says in Proverbs chapter ‘whine whine’ that ‘God forgives the sinner’. They were unmarried but living together. Let us pray so that God will intervene and bring them back together again and at the end of the day, the glory will be to God. Let’s pray…pray….pray!!!’ Konkonsa prayers nkooaaa!

I say prayyyyyyyyyyy….God forgive us our sins! E go better!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu