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Useless Column: 'Umofia Stars back home'

Mawuli Zogbenu   Opinion.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

So when medical doctors say adequate sleep is good for one’s health, do they give any exception to the month of January? Almost everybody including doctor friends of mine can be seen online as late as 2am!

Doing what? School fees? Hahahahahaha! Nowadays when I ask my kids to sleep before I sleep because they need longer hours of sleep for good health, they would in turn ask me to sleep first before they sleep and that is leadership by example. Last Tuesday night was a bad one for me but God is good in all things.

I told you before that when I used to be a very good footballer back in my secondary school days. I can play and play and play! The Sports Tutors surprisingly also didn’t find any useful students than to rely on me to play in the school football team.

Our opponents from Accra Aca and Presec every year knew the weakness of the Achimota team and so made me the target. They often scored through where I was positioned but I didn’t give a dem, mehn. Hahahahahaha! Weytin concern me with defeat in a football match for which I was even going to use hot water to massage myself after the game!

Every single goal conceded passed through where I was! Sadly, there was another ‘reckless’ chap, Obulu, a half-caste who played number 11. He was neither a winger, a defender nor of any use. He only added up to the numbers. The dude could be seen in crucial matches chewing sugar cane! It was only the two of us who played football wearing crossed Achimota sandals; no soccer boot fit! Why would they! Referees never took us seriously so even in the event of committing a foul, they overlooked it. We were no threats at all.

I remember the day I was extremely tired running around the field with no foot touching the ball hoping that my coach, Bokasa would replace me. He didn’t! I deliberately held on to an opponent’s jersey and brought him down; all in the bid to be shown the red card so I could go and rest! The referee didn’t mind me. I confronted him for his refusal to show me a red card! I nearly raised my hand for he himself to be substituted so that the new coach would come and show me the red card; I just needed rest! Still, he allowed me to play. In fact, the Team struggled to lose matches!

The juniors we left behind thanked God we finished school and were grateful we were out of the Grey City as early as 1994! We almost collapsed the sports department. As for Obulu di333, he even scored an own goal before just because he was not on talking terms with our own goalkeeper.

Our continuous stay in Motown never helped them in soccer. The school, however, did extremely well in hockey and athletics against Accra Aca and Legon Presec because Obulu and I never got selected for any of these games; we were such bad omen. What was I in particular good at? Nothing apart from teasing innocent Dbee students. I occasionally got beaten by some juniors who were better built in muscles than I for making fun of them. This included Sokoto, an unnecessarily fat form 5 boy who kept bullying me forgetting that I was his senior just because poverty has shrunk me to the extent that I looked lanky and funny!

Greetings to you all the Teranga lions of Senegal, the Hawks of Togo, the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon, the Elephants of Cote D’Ivoire, the Super Eagles of Naija, Atlas Lions of Algeria, Chipolopolo of Zambia, the Squirrels of which country sef? We just use the names of mostly wild animals to go and scare the rest of the world and sometimes ourselves.

Jerry Halmm, another prolific writer, now a columnist of the Business & Financial Times was generally good at jama and writing. This boy made unnecessary noise in Fraser House throughout his 7-years on the western compound of the school when there was no need! Akora ‘Yellow’, weytin dey happen? We spoil the school finish oo…hahahahaha!

If this is the first time you are defying the warning not to read this, then you are in for trouble; very bigggggg trouble because you are just about to waste 90 minutes of your time reading absolute abstract and maybe some 3 minutes as extra time! My problem with some of us human beings is why we choose to do the direct opposite of what we have CLEARLY been asked not to do!

I read a story somewhere before. I think that thing happened in the Republic of Omofia. It was a big supermarket. They had just introduced a new brand of yoghurt but surprisingly for the first three months, hardly did anybody notice the products on the shelves. But the product was really good too. So, one day, the supermarket’s smart marketing strategist decided to do something unthinkable.

On the doorway to the shop was an inscription on the floor: PLEASE DON’T LOOK UP! On the first day this inscription was unveiled, about 99.9 percent of the people who entered the shop looked up upon seeing the inscription on the doorway. Guess what was up there: ‘TURN RIGHT UPON ENTRY INTO THE SHOP AND ENJOY THIS NICE YOGHURT FOR FREE’. Good strategy huh! The sales they made later er, hmmm! Ordinarily until the inscription PLEASE DON’T LOOK UP, no one really looked up! Many human beings will naturally do the reverse of every simple instruction mostly borne out of curiosity. The law of reverse psychology at play!

USELESS COLUMN; DON’T READ, yet you are reading, Ataa Anum…hahahahahahaha! We are still in January o. Next week Friday is still January! Still on the journey from Egypt to Israel – fortey years!

Ever wondered why most vehicles with DV plates are driven so recklessly in town? I just don’t understand oo! Interestingly, as soon as they get registered, the ‘madness’ reduces significantly! Hmmm!

Thank God for giving us ‘Dr. GAD’; you can’t lose guard driving by ‘hat’ on the roads again or else you will ‘go inside’! Nowadays even jujumen have stopped asking their clients for the front teeth of a live lion before they ‘cure their patients of their ailments’.

The fetish man at akoshi junction has stopped demanding the pelvic girdle of a female scorpion before performing some rites for ‘solution seekers’. I just love the sanity being injected into the system. It means we have what it takes to do the right thing but some of us just enjoy doing the wrong things. Woboaaa! Not these days. If you be man, try and see. Hahahahahahaha!

Last Saturday my wife bought me a white towel to bath with. Hehehe! I know in less than 2 weeks, it would turn brown. Bathing itself is not compulsory and you expect me to bath well. I have secretly bought my own coffee coloured towel. White towel to wipe my body? For what? She is not serious!

Have a nice weekend. Remember, in spite of your knowledge and expertise, in all things you do, let GOD LEAD!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu