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Usless Column: 'Question 16'

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Sat, 4 Sep 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

So upon all the business and financial information in this serious medium, all you are interested in is this unnecessary good-for-nothing column? Ei, Mantse Kumah! Then you are the ‘Mantse Kumah of all time (MKOAT)’.

I am referring to. Your wife will insult you through your daughter p333. If you like stop reading this and see, but woe unto you if you should read it. Please forgive me oo, ‘s3bi s3bi, miy3 Ayigbeni’. Haaaa! I just love my people and their eyi…I told you how I dropped out of medical school.

I was on internship at one of the hospitals in my hometown. On one of such rounds, I was to draw blood from a patient, Mr Alortsui. I tied the arm with that rubber and tried to siphon his blood for a lab test. For more than 10 minutes, the blood refused to come out la, quite strangely. The patient was just looking at me. I went back to the Medical Director and told him about my challenge. Then he asked me if I had sought ‘official verbal permission’ from the patient before wanting to draw his blood.

I answered ‘No’ and wondered what kind of permission there was to seek again before drawing blood from a sick person for a lab test. Lo and behold, I went back to the man and spoke to him in my local dialect seeking ‘official permission’ for him to ‘release’ the blood and he gave me his permission and in no time, the blood just started flowing waaa waaa waaa! And I started clapping for my people once again. For what? I don’t even know oo! Hahaaaa!

I am thinking about this evening and what excuse I need to give my wife to go and do bad, as usual. For some time now, every Friday after work I tell my wife I am going for ‘All Night’. It has become monotonous and I want to change my plans.

Or I should I tell her I am going for a board meeting Tuesday night? Or should fall sick by force and not mention to name of the hospital I am admitted to? Or I should travel outside Ghana, I mean to Danfa near Oyibi? Please give me ideas oo, bcos the time has come for me to get exposed if…. Eeei! Please give me ideas la ah! Or I should promise her pizza or achormor and wine and escape from the house for a while? Eeeei, achomor reminds me of the first time I used microwave oo.

Village-man raised the temperature of the microwave so high to heat my yesterday’s banku (etsorkple). I came back and it overheated, in fact baked into achormor. I only got sobolo and chewed my achormor with it. Dasoorrrr! Ayigbe village man like me using a microwave? What a miracle! Haaaa!

Go tell Uncle Korshiga ‘what do you mean’ and he would consider that as the biggest insult of the century and you can be summoned to the village shrine and subsequently arranged for traditional cleansing. ‘What do you mean?’. Hmmmm! Not in my hometown oo, yoo.

I am not sure if this is true oo but…hmmm. That when my cousin, Tsiate in the Eastern part of the Greater Accra Region grows old, he becomes an Ayigbeman; after that he turns into a crocodile and then he disappears! Ei, Mr. Desmond Nartey of Ghana Revenue Authority, please which stage are you now? I trust you are not at the ‘disappearing’ stage oo, haaa! I will be coming to the base this evening to buy that thing that requires so much patience when people are around. You know what I mean, Sir. Hahahahaaaa! I just love pharmacy shops on Friday nights.

Somebody advise me as to what to do with this ‘useless’ Ablavi oo. After the last threatening message, she sent me another one and it would blow your mind. This time, at the end of the message was a smiley and guess what the smiley was…a sharp knife! Hmmmm!

Why is it that when some wives want to insult us, their husbands, they do so through our children? We call it ‘insult by proxy’.

Last Sunday, I heard Mantse Kumah’s wife yelling at her daughter who had just woken up from sleep. ‘Korshiwa, you are lazy, you are drunkard always chasing girls who will only chop your money’. Korshiwa, a girl oo, getting drunk and chasing girls? Hmmmm! Mantse Kumah was only somewhere dancing to Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s not easy’ in great frenzy under the influence of some liquid water. He can’t kill himself!

His wife, Korshiwa’s mother continued ‘when you, Korshiwa return from work all you do is to throw your useless boxer shorts on the floor for me to come and pick. From now onwards, I won’t do that nasty job again. Am I a slave to you, Korshiwa? Korshiwa, I say am I a slave to you?

‘You lost your last job because of drunkenness yet you won’t learn anything from that. Korshiwa, you will kill me one day. If you continue drinking and you lose this job too, I will pack my things and leave you though I don’t know where I am going’. ‘Korshiwa, be careful oo.

This marriage to you Korshiwa is just a waste of my precious time. It took you 8 years to pass your O level Maths yet you won’t learn sense’. Trust me, Mantse Kumah, the husband couldn’t take this anymore o. what followed next, I was not there.

All I could remember was that she called Korshiwa to send her on an errand and discontinued with the insult till Korshiwa returned and she resumed. Ao, you reader, what do you want to hear again? Are you Korshiwa? Haaaaaaaaahahaaaa!

There was a mango tree that had only two branches in my area. It usually also had a green snake which usually came out in the hot afternoon. It is so amazing how as children we didn’t fear anything. Surprisingly I now fear snakes as an adult and I wonder why. Oh but last week I killed a python in my house.

It was lying in front of my polytank and I killed it with force. That snake belonged to Mr Arhin my closest neighbor. I saw the chassis number on the snake after I had killed it. If he doesn’t know, he comes to ask of the snake er, hmmm. He will see the other side of me.

Last Christmas I asked Mr Arhin to sell to me one of his local fowls and he was reluctant. I warned him that if he doesn’t sell it to me for pepper soup, the fowl will disappear; he has forgotten where I come from. Haaaa! He turned himself into a snake wanting to bite me especially after the fowl disappeared 4 days after my request was delayed. Me? kill a snake?

Korshivi, my classmate refused to be circumcised for the fear of the knife till age 14 when it had to be done. Hehehehe! I will never forget that day. It only reminded me of a line in one of Bob Marley’s songs: ‘he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day’. Don’t procrastinate o! Happy birthday to all Wanzams in Ghana – you guys are ‘architects’ shaping ‘things’ for procreation and enjoyment.

So, Ajoavi, please tell me the truth: which part of this article has anything to do with ‘Question 16’? Stop looking at my ugly picture la! Haaaaaa!

Have a nice weekend and remember SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASINATES! Flee!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu