Dear GhanaWeb: I allowed HIV to turn me into someone I never thought I’d become

Dear GhanaWeb, When I tested positive for HIV at 23, my world collapsed. I cried until I had no tears left, because I never even liked sex. In fact, most of my relationships ended because my partners constantly wanted it and I didn’t. The few times I gave in changed my life forever. Before my diagnosis, I had been in three different relationships over two years, never at the same time. Ironically, the biggest reason those relationships failed was my lack of interest in sex. So when I eventually became sick and got tested, hearing that I was HIV positive shattered me. The first question that haunted me was: “Who gave this to me?” But I never found the answer. The second question hurt even more: “Why me?” If one of them knew they had the virus and chose to keep quiet, why did I have to pay the price for their silence? Doctors tried to comfort me, saying HIV wasn’t the end of the world and that people live long lives with treatment. They meant well, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. All I could think about was that my dreams, my future, and the family I hoped to have had been stolen from me. The pain slowly turned into anger. I convinced myself that if men had done this to me, then I would make them feel the consequences too. From that day, I stopped caring. I moved from one man to another, accepted the money they offered, and never warned anyone. If someone wanted protection, I didn’t refuse, but many never even suggested it. Twelve years have passed, and that became my life. I never worked because this lifestyle gave me more money than I imagined. I built a comfortable life, yet there has never been peace inside me. I chose not to have children because I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing an innocent life into the world. Instead, everything I own will go to my sister’s children. Now I feel myself getting weaker, and for the first time, I don’t want this life anymore. The anger that once fueled me has faded, leaving only guilt. I don’t even know how many people may be suffering today because of the choices I made while trying to heal my own pain. If you realized too late that your pain had become someone else’s pain, how would you ever forgive yourself? If you were in my position, how would you live with the weight of that guilt? FG/EB Meanwhile, watch as Jeffery Nortey shares his career journey from comedy to content creation Source: www.ghanaweb.com
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