'700 MPs?'

I didn’t bath well last night and I suspect my armpit is smelling kako kako kako but it’s ‘manly’ to smell unpleasantly; no be so? If you are a man and you smell nicely, then you have a problem; it’s ungodly. A man’s mouth must smell, sometimes of akpeteshie mixed with smell from eating ‘yesterday banku and pepper with koobi as well as mormorni inside the tin.

Seriously, for my late father, if you smell nicely as a man, it means you are not taking good care of your wife because she should be the one to be smelling nice, not you.

It is your responsibility to smell bad – simple! That is the first sign that you are responsible! Why should a man’s mouth smell nice? It must smell of ‘dangerous’ things so that he can win arguments easily. ‘Accra is located in Sunyani’ and the other person will agree with you immediately; no need to endure what can be worse than halitosis! End of argument! That is why when my wife starts nagging, I get closer to her and yawn close to her nose. She would stop immediately and walk away! As we speak, I didn’t bath; bathing no be by force!

So someone woke up one early morning and decided that among all the names in the world, (regardless of the meaning) a constituency should be called ‘Odo-do-dio-diooo’? Ei Bra Kotey! Hmmm! That person deserves an award from the State.

The person has done well paaa. His or her counterpart who also named a constituency ‘Mion’ is equally talented! God bless the two of you. Amen! To have succeeded in summarising the name of a whole constituency into a one-syllable word requires a genius to do so – Mion! Nice name devoid of any speculation and suspicion! Odododiodio alone has between seven to eight syllables depending on how one decides to pronoun the name. My friend, take your time, don’t rosh. Borkorrrr, you would get there…it is located very close to the Atlantic Ocean – O-do-do-di-o-di-ooo!

There are also those who want the details of towns in the name. They are very thorough people and like to satisfy everyone. They don’t want to exclude their neighbours from the constituency’s name. Just see: Asikuma-Odoben-Brakwa. Only one constituency o. Hmmm! Komenda-Edina-Eguafo-Abirem-Municipal, Ejura-Seche-dumase Municipal, Agortime Ziope, Ketu South, La Nkwatanang Madina Municipal, Abura-Asebu-Kwamankese, imagine!

Here comes their senior-most - Bunkpurugu Nyankpanduri! Alla! God is King! If you succeed in pronouncing this, you can confirm that indeed, Jesus is Lord! Bibiani Anwhiaso Bekwai Municipal constituency (really long), Sehwi Akontonbra! Clap for them: Kpa kpa kpa kpa kpaaaaa.

The journalists who do well to pronounce their names during elections should be given allowances for being able to pronounce some of these names.

Mion is not part o! Some of the constituencies deserve 4 Members of parliament because of their names. Odododiodioo alone deserves 7 MPs. How can they have only one MP as against Mion constituency! Bodi is also a 4-letter name but with two syllables – 2 MPs! When I did the calculations, we need not less than 700 MPs using syllables! One syllable, one MP! Oh Lord God have mercy on me - Sawla-Tuna-Kalba constituency makes starrrkiss tuna come to my appetite any time the name is mentioned on radio. My in-laws from Kassena-Nankana, kweytam! Quite romantic and rhythmic by sound! More MPs needed here!

Some are not that long but the weight of their names require more MP’s to carry. My own constituency: Ngleshie-Bortianor-Amanfrom. Why don’t we just make it ‘English Constituency’? Don’t forget these other constituencies: Kpone (forget about the ‘Katamanso’ and you would be fine), Binduri Constituency, Garu, Bongo, Zabzugu, Sagnarigu, Okere, and Pusiga (the first two syllables would have been okay for me). Together with Chereponi, they are all constituencies with names that sound with some swag! Aowin constituency (you will win what, Mr Offin?) Ern?

You see what some of the names have done to me as I attempted pronouncing their names on my computer?

Let us look for names that will also attract tourists small. I like these ones: Effia Kwesimintsim (long but sweet, depending how you want to interpret ‘long but sweet’), Prestea-Huni-Valley. You alone, in a valley? Ha! Ellembelle, Afadzato, Lambussie-Karni, Dafiama-Bussie-Issa, Krachie-Michumuru, etc.

Savelugu is the only constituency that sounds like a car in second gear till Nanton Constituency comes in to cool the speed at 5th gear! High pitch Savelugu to low pitch Nanton! Several tonnes of onions can be produced here!

Please don’t bring me problem o. Na joke I dey joke o. This column is a very useless and harmless column. The satire here can be annoying, I know. It is the reason you have been advised ‘don’t read’. Greetings to my siblings at Ayawaso West Wuogon constituency! This is the richest constituency in Ghana. Do they even need an MP? Legon, East Legon, West Legon, GIMPA, Abelenkpe, Dzorwulu, Aiport Residential Area are all part. Well, it could just be called Rich Constituency - simple!

My new mobile phone is worrying me these days. I should have kept the old one. Don’t leave ‘things’ on your mobile phone o. It appears I am in too much hurry; I am even ahead of phone manufacturers.

I started using eye-phone 17 since last year. I bought it from ‘Circle’. I was shocked to learn that apple has just recently announced the launch of its iphone 15! How come? Ei! Copy copy people are in town plenty and they almost don’t get it right in its original state too. My eye-phone 17 didn’t have many features.

The only good thing about it is that, unlike other phones, it will go off when it realizes the call coming for you to pick is one that can bring me problem. It protected me from mommo mommo people. Unfortunately, I lost it just last week. Guess where I lost it – Circle! My sincerest ‘condolences’ to the new owner!

When I bought that phone, I gave my old one to my Auntie-in-law. The way this kind gesture exposed my evils er. I failed to reset it to factory settings before gifting it to her. The videos and images left on that phone? Ei! Even Lucifer the devil would not accept it as a gift! Kai kai kai!

Those short short films that when you start watching, regardless of where you are, you can predict the next action point you are heading to and how the movie will end. It is sweet to the eyes. Some of my religious friends will condemn them when you mistakenly post them on group whatsapp platforms but some would not mind if you send it to them privately.

They go dey enjoy enjoy enjoy without ending. Sometimes some of them use ‘the lessons learnt’ on their wives when they run out of ‘ideas’. Where do you think I learnt how to engage my wife on a gas cylinder and backyard garden from? These sweet films of course. Apart from affecting the eyes due to addiction to watching them, I think indulgence also weakens us the more. Be advised; sin fascinates and assassinates – it could be your eyes!

Arssenal is not a club; it is a spirit! If not, what has happened to a club that used to receive all the mockery and insults in the past couple of years and now they are walking over everybody in their winning ways! That’s spiritual! As for ‘Mann U’, I won’t mind them again. I know the next score; we have lost already. No more high blood pressure. It is weekend again! I go booze rof! I mean water, to clean my blood vessels and arteries. Drinking enough water is good for the heart. Always chewing meat meat meat; why? You want to die? Not now o, yooo.

Be faithful to your wife and don’t pass anywhere else o. Seems to me like poverty talk o. why is it difficult for rich men to be faithful to their wives? As for me, I am very faithful o, as if I am rich. Hahaaa! I learnt there are some good men out there but I am yet to see some. Please send me a mail on mzogbenu@yahoo.com in case you happen to know an economically okay man who doesn’t cheat on his wife. That is not to suggest that poverty is worth pursuing o, Komlavi.

In my hometown, when you hear ‘Hododiooo’, the response is: ‘Hoooo’ especially when we are about to enter the weekend to have fun at Osekan Beach Resort in the Odododiodio Constituency!

Till we meet again next weekend….bye byeee!