An open letter to my best man

Dear Best man,

It is with heavy hearth that I write to announce to you that the wedding between me and ‘Sister Comfort’ can’t come off as scheduled. I can imagine your jaw widely open in a surprise but that is the truth. ‘What happened, you asked?’ This decision was taken by the two of us about a month ago but I told her not to mention it to you since I will like to do so myself. Since then I have been trying to get in touch with you through the available IT means but my network service provider, Vodafone, has not been fare with me. Any time I tried getting in touch with you, it is either the call get aborted or I hear the voice “the MTN number you are calling can’t be reached…..” but I know for sure you don’t use MTN because you ones told me MTN means ‘Most Terrible Network’. I wonder how come MTN’s voice would be heard while I was calling you Vodafone. This is what we are getting from our Network Service Providers. It has been a long time I heard of the Executive Director of the Consumer Protection Agencies, Kofi Kapito crying foul over the ill treatments we face from these people. For the work of the National Communication Authority, the least said about it the better.

But not entirely did I ascribed all the difficulties in reaching you to the network service providers because I have been thinking perhaps the “dumsor” “dumsor” by ECG- dark and lovely – has left your phone uncharged for ages. Better still I again thought Legon Authorities won’t allow you easy access to the network on Campus just as they won’t allow free access to the campus by motorist. How far with that news too? I heard the Education Minister, eemm... eeemm… Md. Eeeee….. is to present to parliament something something for amendment that will allow easy access to the campus. When that is done let me know so early because I have been longing to come over there to see you and my innamorata but this news has been a discouragement.

Before I continue; let my find out. Do you still go to KATH to see the corpse as part of your practical work? Please if you go tell them you are not a baby oooo. I learnt the boss is to proceed on leave, well if that is what they Health Minister can do so that you don’t and other babies don’t get lost then fine. But I wonder paa ooo. Has then man been sleeping on the job till that number of babies got missing? Or some dogs came to the hospital to pick the babies? Am only thinking aloud ooo bro. I will advise that right after your medical course, consider putting up a hospital because ‘Sister Comfort’ has made it clear to me that she will never deliver her baby at KATH. Hehehe….. babies missing like the Malaysia plane. Oops!

Well to the reasons now. It became so necessary for us to re-consider the proposed date because even as I was writing this, I was not sure we have any economics theory to explain the existence inflation. I don’t know if it is demand push or cost pull inflation. Hahaha, a friend funnily said it is Mahama Push inflation. Best Man, unlike his late boss, I am not sure this man can boast of single digit inflation. The inflation is galloping like the Olympic horse in a race. It was just last 3 months that we drew the budget for the wedding but as at now, the cost of things needed for the wedding have triple up. Even the tailor said the initial amount he mentioned to saw the ‘agbala’ for the wedding can’t be again. He is now charging double the initial cost.

Good, that even reminds me. Another reason why it became so urgent for us to hold on with the wedding is that our tailor said he can’t finish the sawing of the ‘agbala’ on the expected schedule because of the ‘dark and lovely’ people’s unscheduled ‘dumsor dumsor’. Well for the seamstress of Sist. Comfort she was doing her best by using the non-electrical sawing machine before we told her to halt. We do not want her to use too much of her eee…eee.e…Do we have something call woman power just as in man power? If we have then I mean not to use too much of her woman power.

I just don’t know why all these things are happening this time. I have waited for long to lead her to the alter but both domestic and international factor are militating against the whole plan. You know we proposed Malaysia for the honeymoon. Hmmmm. But this plane evaporating into the thin air has led to change of mind to US but the Oslo town I thought of also is currently in hard times Hmmm. For Mugabe’s country I never thought of it because of their rape festival. I don’t want her raped. You know how much I love her. She means the whole world to me. If am to choose between her, the seat of Kofi Dubai and the seat of Hon Salifu, ee…ee...ee… I mean the MP ‘Under School of Tress’. I will surely go for her. But do you know who Kofi Dubai is? Hahaha he loves spending his holidays in Dubai papa. Do you know in Nigeria a teacher ran virginity test for her students? I don’t need any of such tests on her because I trust her. But I never trust her more than the way I trust Ghana’s inflation to be going up every second. Never more than the way I trust dark and lovely people to off light in the next few minutes you are reading ……. (ooo is it off already?). Like seriously, I never trust her more than the way I trust that more than 70% of Kofi Dubai’s Chop chop ministers are sleeping on the job and some are completely incompetent. I guess Zimbabwe is now happy that they get partner in galloping inflation issues. But am praying hard, we will not be their partner again. Just very soon. Say ‘AMEN’

Well let me come back to my point. ‘Where did I even ended?’ Eeeee, good, I can now recall. You see am only afraid because if I don’t have this wedding done soon and put her in a family way, you know that pastor will call me a “foot man”. Because I will have no child looking after and as such when they “horsemen” are talking, a “footman” like me must not talk.

Best man ‘I am remember’ another reason. You see Sister Victoria-$1m who was to be my Chori-chori’s maid of honour? Good. She has to completely defer her Diploma in Basic Education course. You asked why? The ‘alawa’ power that teacher trainees have been using to sustain themselves since Nkrumah time has been script off. You asked ‘just like that?’ Yes just like that. The unfortunate point even is she gained admission before the sad news came from the man. Even the feeding fee he promised to borne, he is not doing so. When we cannot see her defer the course like that, we have no option than to give her part of the money meant for wedding. So that saved her, she is now on it anyway. Already many things have militated against the wedding.

We are waiting prayerfully for things to change. When they do, we will fix a new date- a date that the metrological department can predict and tell us that the rain will not set inn. We don’t want to have the experience of rainy 57th Independent anniversary celebration. I hope me President will deliver on his promise of equipping them to function well.

Dr. Best man, these are the sad reasons why the best man you have been waiting for can’t see the day’s light. When you see her on campus you can engage her to tell you more. I will try to come over to check on you people as soon as the toll gate saga is over. I will be patiently waiting for a new day because unlike Denmark, our country is not campaigning for sex to increase the population.

In any case extend my congrats to your Vice Chancellor for his re-appointment.

Till we meet, I hope this later will meet you safely without any network interference from your service provider.

Remember if you want to say a prayer, say one for Ghana’s economy. We count on your prayers.

Your friend,

The Disappointed ‘Wedder’

By: Kpe Divine Komla