'Chairman, now you can'

My late father used to say this: “Power is not loud”. Everything in the Bible and other religious books are real and true. Pride comes before a fall. Everyone has his or her master.

End of this unnecessary narrative. The rest has nothing to do with the title unless you want to continue to waste your time by reading what is left here below and translate the title into other languages including Swahili. Life is short even if we have to live one million years; one million years will still come. Let’s take it easy here on earth! Some of us are too loud and that includes me!

Happy yourself oo….because no one would do it for you to be happy except yourself. You are welcome to the first edition of the ‘Useless Column’ in the month that is so over-confident that, when all other months are ending at 30 or 31 days, February alone has agreed to stop at 28 days! ‘Too known’ month. Hahahahahahaha!

Here, we only have fun. No stress, just fun!

Do you remember this Bob Marley’s song which we have still been singing the way we use to sing it until utube has come to correct us? Even with utube, we still go like: ‘baby don’t worry,…. about the thing…’ meanwhile there is no ‘baby’ anywhere in this song yet. Then we have Madonna’s ‘holiday’…’We are going na home summer holiday’. Would you want to go with me…Adabraka boys and girls’.

Who taught us all these those days that even now we are unable to change? Debida!

I have a wedding to attend this weekend and it reminds me of a wedding I attended not too long ago. That was around 43rd January, 2024. The day we went for that wedding was the first time I went to church in 2024. I am not happy oo. I am very very sad. I haven’t stepped in church since January 1st. ‘Disaster’ struck just that day that I decided to surprise my wife and joined her to church to attend this wedding of two pastors.

My wife dressed up. I dressed up. She asked if I was going somewhere obviously because she did not expect me to join her to church. I told her I was going to the church some. She laughed and asked ‘what has changed?’ I said the Holy Spirit spoke to me the night before.

As I picked my car key to start the journey, she quickly drew my attention to the fact that ‘today, there is harvest oo’. Harvest in January? How manage! Chai! Not again. I quickly returned in an attempt to go and remove my clothes. But something said to me ‘oh you go, they won’t take much from you’. This was where I misled myself.

Ebei! This pastor who was invited from another circuit of the Church came to the church to lead the fund raising and oh my God! He started from those who can contribute GHC3,000 to God. He walked towards me and I felt very very uncomfortable.

At this point, many congregants who sang praises in an unmeasured frenzy a few minutes earlier, suddenly became moody and will not want to look into any other person’s face. Pastor went round and came to stand in front of where I was sitting la eeei. I no mind am sef!

Then one Brother Thomas went to pay GHC3,000. Cash! People get money oo. He sells iron rods so I was not surprised. That is not to say yu too should go and sell iron rods o. We like copying other people’s businesses too much. Often we fail after copying too. Come and ask me how my own mommo business and prepaid business failed – I copied wrongly!

What was I even saying? Ehern! What a high standard set by Brother Thomas! Pastor stepped it down to GHC1,500 after several failed attempts at the GHC2,000 category. Nobody went forward. One thousand Ghana and about 5 women went. Some women have money o. not just that but they possess an unquantifiable amount of FAITH IN GOD! That is why I pay my wife to pray for me these days because it looks like God listens to the prayers of women more.

My only problem is that she is using my own money to pray against ‘going outside’. I book an appointment with a girl and suddenly I lose interest and switch my phone off. My wife’s prayers are now working against me. The last time I used takashi and still met another one, the thing refused to ‘arise and shine’. Such an embarrassing moment it was because of my wife’s prayers. The money I pay her to pray for me are for positive things not but not against sweet things that fascinate but can assassinate at the same time.. be guided, Brother Jacob!

Two men who also had financial problems joined them to pay the harvest money. Why are you asking in your mind how I got to know they have financial problems? Are we not friends? Aah!

Then pastor dropped the figure to GHC500 and at this point I prayed for the ground to just open and swallow me because Pastor now gave me the microphone under duress to say ‘yes, I will give GHC500’. It was obvious he was getting disappointed in me. Nice looking gentleman with fine alatsa car who could not give GHC1,500 mpo! I just wondered: If I should give GHC500.00 to the church, how much will Ablavi get? How much will be left for other eyi for the ‘Dear, I have not eaten anything the whole day’ ones’?’

As the Pastor gave me some breathing space, I decided to give out GHC200. This I did reluctantly. The thing I wanted to avoid. It is still paining me la ah! I didn’t know before hand otherwise I wouldn’t have gone to church for that wedding turned into harvest. I am still mourning my 200 cedis.

As part of the harvest at the wedding, some members brought some items for sale. I didn’t know a finger of plantain could cost as high as 300 cedis but they said it is ‘harvest’ so I should shut up. I did and angry inside me. Strangely, Mr Arthur brought a male cat and it was put on sale. The pastor talked talked and nobody was interested in buying. He looked my direction and I smiled.

You can be sure I was interested but because the pastor quoted the bid price at GHC150.00, I wanted to wait till nobody showed interest and then he would be compelled to reduce the price and then I can buy it. Initially I was afraid Mr Alornyo, a member of the church’s ‘Joseph Welfare Committee’ might go for it but when I looked around he hadn’t come to church.

The man no get kapr3…come to think of sempua or daama! So he stayed away! This man comes to church religiously but e be chisel. Haaa! Always seen with one Ghana cedi notes being changed in the shop opposite the church.

Eventually the pastor reduced the cat price to GHC30 and I went for it to console myself. The cat looked sick and tired. It was as if to tell me to kill it right there in the chapel so I can use its meat for whatever I wanted with it.

I came home to ‘attack ‘my wife for misleading me to church. She was lucky I got a cat in return. But her defence was that she never forced me to go to church that day and that the moment I said I was going to church, she knew I was going to ‘commit suicide’. But she assured me that God will bless me nyafunyafu.

She is lucky her name is not Suzanna or else….have a nice weekend and remember to give to the poor and do so cheerfully. You bought bottled water in traffic at 3 cedis and gave the poor girl 5 cedis and expecting to take change of two cedis? Shame! It is only nice to be nice so long as you are not being taken advantage of. A long good ‘good byeeeeeeeee’ to January! Ha! What a month! Hmmm!