Communication in our relationships, courtships, and marriages --- Part 1

Importance of Communication

Communication actually starts all dating, courtships, and marriages, and is the most important first step and foundation of all relationships and love interactions. Words (and other forms of unspoken communication) have been the major cause of the blessings or the destruction of individual lives, marriages, romantic relationships, family life, and all other types of relationships and associations more than any other factor, since the beginning of time.

Communication that wrecks our lives are usually the results of wrong words, or words that are ill-timed, unkind, redundant, misinterpreted, misrepresented, misquoted, inadequate etc., and even unspoken words that are extrapolated, interpreted or implied from our silence or our actions and attitudes.

Effective and proper communication with your fiancée or spouse is the most important factor that runs any courtship or marriage. If either of you fail to communicate your real thoughts and feelings, or tell outright lies about what you think or how you genuinely feel about something which your fiancée or spouse has done or has said, or what your mate implied by a word or action or behavior, the ultimate result may become a painful break of the courtship, or bitter separation or divorce if you are married.

Suppressing the bitterness you feel, anger, agonies, and hurts usually triggers an explosion from the built-up of negative emotions, causing a sudden outburst of hard words and misinterpreted or misinformed statements, accompanied by rudeness and insults, or even crazy misdeeds. Generally, partners think that opening up to tell the truth from your heart might hurt your mate, or might be misinterpreted, and we sometimes even think that what we need to say is rather insignificant or unimportant.

But, when we tell the truth and say all that we need to say for matters to be discussed, we prevent any resentment or future hatred that would produce more problems for both of us. As undesirable things accumulate in the mind and heart, you get more hurt, and deeper tension builds up inside you with the silent mode you decide to sink into. From that point onwards, the slightest offensive word, act, or behavior could trigger explosions of extreme anger, wrath, and gross misbehavior. You can always halt such explosive outburst and uncontrollable misconduct by deciding to calm down, open up, and talk with self-control and love from your heart, with diligent efforts to avoid focusing on the displeasure, and striving not to engage in accusing your mate; but rather desiring to mutually work together with him or her for the appropriate changes and corrections or mutual progress to take place.

One of the most painful experiences in any relationship is when you cannot get your point across to your mate, or when your partner refuses to listen to you, especially when you know very well and feel very strongly that your idea or point is vital for love, peace, contentment, understanding, and prosperity to prevail in the courtship, marriage, or any form of good relationship. This makes you feel very frustrated and often sad and angry, or even depressed if the situation drags on with no end in sight.

The unfortunate and most annoying part is that when close people refuse to listen to counsel and important views, and any trouble or losses arise, everyone closely associated with them becomes affected as well. For example, when separation or divorce occurs, the grandparents or uncles and aunts of the children could suffer the burden and brunt of caring for the little children if circumstances do not permit their wife or husband (especially the mother) to be able to have the resources or opportunity to care for the children after the bitter separation or divorce (for example in tragic cases when mental problems, disability, or even death of the mother results). Always remember that your success or failure in this life is not for you alone; it is for all of us directly or indirectly. YOU MUST ALWAYS CONSIDER THE INTENDED AND UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR DECISIONS, CHOICES, WORDS, AND ACTIONS.

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, beginning with our relationship with God. Communication constitutes the “blood” that flows through all channels, inner recesses, and corners of the relationship to give it life, nourishment, warmth, and ability to be active, just as blood does for our bodies. Communication is, therefore, the blood and life that keep all forms of relationships alive. It initiates and sustains all of our associations, friendships, transactions, and interactions on earth. As I emphasized, this includes a relationship with God that begins all other meaningful relationships. Effective communication keeps the romance fire burning in a courtship or marriage relationship, and maintains the fire of happy and productive family life all the time.

Your communication would win you more credibility and wealth of integrity if you do your best to always say what you mean and mean what you say. We all hunger and thirst for truthful words that are credible and dependable. If we clearly understood these facts, we would treasure communication, especially our words and implications of our actions, above most of our treasured possessions. God designed words to be creative, and as a driving force for the course of our lives. You can use your words and communication to bless or curse, and that is why death and life are in the power of the tongue.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18: 21).

Use of Your Tongue

God designed the tongue to be a source of tremendous power! If there is a vital area of our lives that all of us must constantly watch, and strive to manage and control very well under all circumstances, then that area is the use of the tongue. I have often cautioned parents to exercise great caution in the use of their tongue, and the kind of words they speak to their children, because they can curse or bless them by virtue of their position of authority ordained by God. Parenting is a tough job, and the frustrations and challenges are immeasurable. But with the Lord on our side, we can always win all of our parenting challenges.

Good parenting begins with a good relationship between the father and the mother. Therefore if a mother or father is going to be able to train the children with the best and most edifying words that will build children up for future success, then the parents must make every effort to speak the right words at the right time to each other as an example for the children to emulate, and to also open the Heavenly doors for God to pour more grace and blessings into their home. The same thing applies to all other Leaders in authority --- they must carefully watch the kinds of words they speak to their subjects and employees etc., which can make or break their morale and motivation.

God has tremendous respect for designated authorities —— parents, elders, pastors, ministers, teachers, government officials, chiefs, managers, directors, commanders, heads of institutions, chairpersons etc., and therefore want them to be highly respected. But the leaders should also earn respect by the way they talk, correct, verbalize appreciation, rebuke, or give instructions.

Your words reveal what is in your heart, and expose your real character. “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Mathew 12:34).

The tongue is therefore reputed to be the most difficult thing to control. In fact, if you are able to tame your tongue to the point of total control such that you never stumble in anything you say, you are regarded as a perfect man! “For every kind of beast and bird or reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:7, 8).

Many people have broken their courtships, marriages, and other relationships because of the break-down of communication, and therefore, the relationship, marriage, or courtship becomes totally drained of its blood and life.

Sex and Communication

Sex is the real big thing that is emphasized in marriage, and the primary thing that all courting individuals look forward to. But some people are not aware that sexual union (sexual intercourse, copulation, or coitus) between a man and a woman was designed by God to be the deepest form of communication between two human beings in a marriage. Sexual intercourse is the complete interaction and merging of two spirits together that results in the creation of other human beings. This initial communication continues through the impartation of values and essentials of life to the resulting human being in the form of parenting that entails several aspects of child training.

Communication is the primary factor that underlies sexual union and gives meaning to any sexual activity. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Mutual sexual activity is what distinguishes marriage from all other human relationships.

I, therefore, consider sex in a marriage as the deepest form of communication between two people who are fully and permanently committed to each other in a covenant relationship. There is the complete spiritual union of the soul and spirit of the man and woman involved in any sexual interaction.

Sexual activity between a husband and a wife who have poor communication between them would, therefore, have little or no meaning, no matter the feeling or ecstasy they experience. Good communication between them would enable them to use the sexual act to build strong intimacy and a more solid bond of love. The effects of the sexual activity will be very short-lived, and will not in any way deepen their relationship or build the marriage on a solid foundation if they don’t make efforts to develop their communication skills, and enjoy conversing and engaging in effective communication. It is very difficult, for example, for any woman in a marriage to simply jump in exhilaration to enjoy sex with a man when she does not have the slightest hint from the husband that the man is all “fired up with his gun to shoot” ---- and worst of all when he shoots aggressively and does so “without mercy.” But the women should be advised to, please, “have mercy” on the men, because when a man is seriously fired up but lacks the knowledge or forgets to hint the woman for her to prepare, at least in her mind for sexual interaction, and is, therefore, “denied any entry into the ‘Headquarters’ for satisfaction, it can be an excruciating experience for that man. And all the men should agree with me right now and say “Amen!”.

Expression of Affection

I usually call affection “the icing on the cake of love”, expressed mainly in the way and manner you speak to and act or behave towards someone you love. Affection is also expressed by specially designed acts of love and romantic or loving ways in which you touch the person, or expressed as special words that are typically designed exclusively for your lover. Several men are not aware that one basic difference between men and women is that women are more auditory than men. “I love you”, or “I hate you”, means 100 times more to a woman than it means to a man. That is why a man who does not take the time to express his love and affection to a woman by his words cannot be a completely satisfying husband to any wife.

I have often emphasized that rich conversation and affection equal the soil in which women grow. A man who does not learn to properly communicate with his wife and children cannot be a desirable and good husband, father, or family head. He will be a poor leader who cannot be emulated, understood, or followed. Open hearted sharing and receiving of information creates love, acceptance, trust, security, and commitment to individuals in the relationship or family.

Conversation and Sharing of Information at Home

I wish to draw some vital lessons about the absence of Adam in the home (apparently working at a nearby location in the Garden) when Satan attacked his wife Eve in the Garden of Eden. This is a warning for husbands to prepare their wives properly before leaving them in the house. Prepare her spiritually and socially with adequate conversation and information, prayer, the meditation on God’s word, love, affection, and all other physical necessities for the home before travelling. Don’t, for example, leave home with your wife in a poor financial and emotional state without taking the time to attend to such needs in cooperation with her.

Some men leave the house alone or with friends or other family members on a short visit or long trip without even telling the wife and children where they are going! Some ladies do the same, but it appears to be more common with men because the thought and feelings of “having the final authority” in the relationship or home. Some people do not even behave as if they are living with other people. They have no love, courtesy, and consideration to tell you that they are going out of the house to do something. They simply vanish, and people at home have to always find out “where Daddy, or that fellow (son, daughter, etc.), has gone to.” You do not also know when they come home. They will never tell you why they came home late from work, school, or a meeting, and could lie to you (or ignore you) when you ask them because their bad habit goes with pride, deceit, and evil activities.

The women and children sometimes engage in the same communication misdeeds, but the man’s good leadership in the marriage and home should help to solve such a problem for the family. If the man sets a bad example as an irresponsible leader at the beginning of the relationship, the wife and children will copy his bad habits as well. Communication is the main key to any meaningful relationship. If the information does not flow around the house freely and adequately, then that home, marriage, or family will not be a loving, united, and happy one. The marriage and family will be weak and unfruitful. The same thing applies to any friendship, church, organization, or any group.

You are not obliged to tell everyone where you go all the time if it is not necessary. Even in a marriage, a wife or husband may take a quick decision to buy something on the way from work, or quickly visit a friend or a store and come back before the other mate arrives from work, without necessarily calling home to give information, unless the short visit involves a sensitive or vital decision, or is likely to become prolonged. On the other hand, if you are with people at home before you leave, then no matter how short your trip is, tell them you are going out; and as much as you can, let them know how long you will be out, in order to be able to plan the family programs with you for the day.

It pays to always let your loved ones and people you live with know your plans and whereabouts as much as possible, and as the occasion demands. This will help them to fit you into their agenda, and you can think of them and fit them into your agenda where you are as well. They can also predict when you might be running into any problems outside. Your sharing of information will stimulate you to give any interesting report on your return to generate conversation and love in the relationship. Sharing your plans for going out also makes people feel loved by you and feel a part of your life, and especially helps them to pray to cover you against attacks of Satan and other enemies or difficult people wherever you are.

If you always hide your plans at home, in a courtship or marriage, in any other kind of relationship, or among any group of people, then check your motives and kinds of activities you get involved in to see if you are not trapped into deception by people who do not wish you to make progress, or if you are working with the devil for destruction, intentionally or unconsciously. Please, let us make every effort to take all of our communication very seriously in all of our relationships with people, especially in our courtships and marriages, in our homes, at the workplace, in school, and towards loved ones. May God be our helper!