GhanaWeb TV



Coronavirus: 'Side chics' stock market drops by 84%

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Mon, 1 Jun 2020 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Yesterday when I asked my 2-year old girl when she will be going back to school, she said she has finished school! Case close! The elder one who is under 5 years is also asking me to look for a job for her. Matter don com o. Hahahaha! Please can anybody help me prepare a CV for her? On the CV, please add ‘Good interpersonal and communication skills’ for her for me wai.

From my experience I am yet to see any CV that does not have this particular attribute on it even if the person is a drunkard! Yes, for drunkards, ‘interpersonal skills’ they easily get possessed after taking the thing and even start embracing their enemies in excitement; the reason I am glad drinking bars are still under ‘quarantine’.

But for communication skills, that is when you would hear them say ‘weywey’ when they actually mean ‘wele’! Interesting times but God is in control! This too shall pass by all means, so long as we observe the safety protocols.

Ehern, there is this thing about adverts on TV o and I am beginning to feel not safe at all. Anytime I tell my 2 year old girl I want to buy her ice cream when returning from work, she will scream: ‘No, no, no…I want to drink alonko bitters’.

I have educated her on several occasions as to why alonko is not for people under 18 years but she still insists. If in doubt and you know my house, just pass by this Saturday with face mask, sanitizer, soap, veronica bucket and come and tell Dzifa you want to buy her ice cream…her reactions will shock you. All she would desire is to drink alonko even though she hasn’t seen the real thing before’! The power of television adverts especially now that they are home watching TV 24/7! Hmmmm!

Those side chics asking for stimulus package from me, where did I go wrong? Covid 19 is here and what do I get in return for lockdown and stimulus package? Nowadays I have no excuse to go out and come to you in a movie house where we don’t even watch movies. Even if I do, I’m afraid to touch you and you too are afraid to be touched without sanitizer all over my body and face mask.

The ‘thing’ come my appetite but I can only ‘eat it’ at home – the same ‘food’ always. Ah! It comes to your appetite but you have no choice but to ‘manage’ ‘home chow’ like that. Ei, until coro coro, I never knew married men can be that careful o. If it were HIV sef, that one we can ‘discuss’, one can only transfer it to his spouse and then they both die slowly leaving behind innocent young children at the mercy of their siblings who have not even finished taking care of their own children.

But for COVID-19, when one catches it after ‘touching’ a side chic, everyone in the house will get it including the children he loves so much. No man wants to take such a risk o or?

It is the main reason most of us, sorry, I mean them – those married men who like unnecessary ‘varieties’’ are shying away from their side chics especially those who like coughing and sneezing by hat’! From my recent survey conducted around guest houses and movie houses and even by the road side, no man wants to give lift to any lady with big butts again. They drive alone. I nearly said I drive alone. Thank God I said ‘they’, not me. Hahahahahaha!

Since the lifting of the lockdown, the side eyis still call asking for post-lockdown allowance. I sent GHC51, 51, 51, and in some cases GHC100 aaaaaa I taya sef. Now I don’t even pick some calls. I used to give those moneys in exchange for ‘something’; now I am afraid of ‘that thing’ but the person ‘concealing that thing in-between the eyi keeps making demands! The statistics I have show that the side chic stock market has dropped by 84% and that will take a long time to recover.

The good news however, is that families are happier because a chunk of the 84% money is spent at home on children and wives whose continuous presence can be annoying sometimes especially the jeans wearing ones. But we have no choice but to stay home just to and protect our children.

Ehern which one of these two used to excite you more before the Coro Coro: ‘Awwwww….please let me remove it myself’ or ‘O Sweetie, please go and lock the door first and come’. Hahaaaaaaaa! I think I will rather go for the first one o. because by the time you finish locking the door first and come back, she can change her mind and that is when men can break anything in sight for being denied ‘toffee’. I nearly said I am speaking from experience but I won’t say it. Me? Experience? Tweaaaa!

Have you observed that one of the most painful things to buy is not a car o but when you just realise that you have to urgently change your car battery no matter how much money you have available? It can be painful o. As for car tyres that need an urgent replacement, the least said about them, the better. It’s akin to buying belt, handkerchief, socks. Ei talk of socks, thanks to COVID 19 again. Those of us who used to wear the same pair of socks for 3 months without changing, suddenly we change them every day now.

I am talking for myself o, yoo. If you like wear the same pair of socks twice and see how you endanger your life and those of your family and other people with the dangerous virus. Nowadays, after each day’s work, before I enter my room, I have a big porytank in front of my house I use as veronica bucket.

I wash my socks, face mask or nose mask or whatever it is thoroughly, dry them on the drying line before entering the room. When my children come wanting to embrace me, I dodge them, remove everything on me except my boxer shorts and then straight to the bathroom for hot bath before coming near them. I never knew I was afraid man like that o. Common corona virus that I cannot see, now I fear am pass the way I fear God sef!

This virus er, hmmm! Maybe God is telling us something o, who knows.

Growing up at Kisseman, my father used to have 3 farms for hand to mouth not commercial. One was in the bush near GIMPA. Another was at Papawu which is now encapsulated in Haatso. Then another one near Achimota School playing field. One day, I had assumed we were going to the farm at GIMPA so I took the lead. I went aaaaaaa and upon reaching the GIMPA farm, I looked back and did not see my father. O how how?

Then I returned to look for him so I proceeded to the farm at Papawu and he was not there either. Ah! Then I went to the farm in the Achimota bush and he was not there but I could see signs of his presence somehow but he was not there.

In frustration, I gave up and came back home.

He was not home. Then later, he came back home and sat me down and told me where he had actually gone to. He had gone to the Odaw River side at a place we used to call ‘Madumaku’ to catch crabs. It was then he advised me ‘NEVER LEAD YOUR FATHER; YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR FATHER AND NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND’.

For me, whatever the source of this virus, God is trying to tell us something that we should let Him LEAD. The world was becoming too much ahead of God. It’s about time we came back looking for Him like I did when I could not find my father on our way to the farm when I took the lead.

The same top notch scientist who could actually convert a man into a woman and vice versa remains clueless as to how to deal with a tiny but deadly virus that can be killed with only soap and sanitizer! Amazing huh! In spite of the advanced technology, the advanced countries are being the worst hit, nonetheless, becoming more prayerful than ever before. Trials and errors here and there but still. The atheists have started turning back looking for God to LEAD US IN ALL OF THIS.

As we observe all safety protocols to nip in the bud the spread of the virus, would the world be the same again? Maybe yes, maybe no because human beings as we are, we forget easily. Nonetheless, in all things, LET GOD LEAD even if it’s a journey you intend embarking on with a 24 year old single lady who is not your wife but you have been doing ‘wifely’ things with her small small!

Lest I forget, happy birthday to the Chairman of the Useless Column Fun Club International, Mr Paul Ampadu-Yeboah, the Don of strategic thinking and Godly wisdom. May you celebrate your 90th birthday in ‘good standing’.

Hahahahahahahahaa! I know the reprisal attacks that will follow this ‘good standing’ comment. Prof, Prof, who no grow, go grow oo…hahaaaaaa!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu