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Elephant Akumia Goes Bunkers

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 Source: The Catalyst

My people, I greet you. How are you doing? Your village brother and hunter of high repute is fine, in fact, I’m, very fine. Your brother has been out of action a bit. I have not been to the forest in a long time and so I miss all the elephant action there. Even the capital city, I just only a few days ago saw it again after all this while.

Your brother took a small leave and went out of the jurisdiction for a while. Sorry your brother did not officially inform you about it. I hope you are all fine too. Well, what is important is that I’m back now and you can trust your brother for regular filla from the elephants’ fraternity.

My people, what is this I’m hearing the elephants say as I arrived back a couple of days ago? What is this your village brother is hearing all over the place being said about that Baba of the umbrella fraternity who is called Jamal? Your brother was listening to the Joy talking box the other day in the capital city, just a day after my journey back from the Queensland where I went to cool off small- why, you don’t think your brother has what it takes to go and cool off in the Queensland? Anyway, let me continue- then I heard the cackling voice of elephant Akumia hurling insults at the James of the umbrella fraternity who had two great-grandfathers, one called Agyenim and the other Boateng, the junior savant in the umbrella ruling clique whose area of operation deals with issues of travelling and seeing.

“You are a stupid fool” yelled elephant Akumia at the umbrella James. Then another voice sounded. You and all those who met the people of the inky fraternity to spew those lies have betrayed your intelligence. Then elephant Akumia yelled again, “you are a stupid fool and you are a minister!”

What could be the genesis of this altercation? I though aloud.

My people, even though whiles in the Queensland, I followed religiously events taking place in the motherland, I felt that this one escaped my attention a bit. It was later that I found out from my umbrella friend what exactly sparked the fire.

My friend opened my eyes to the fact that the elephants claimed they have proof of some backdoor activity by the umbrella ruling clique to buy off the heads of all the people of the inky fraternity to desert the elephants and become disciples of the umbrella people.

They claimed that the lieutenant in charge of the inky fraternity conversion crusade is the umbrella Baba who is called Jamal, a junior servant in the area of filla dissemination in the umbrella ruling clique.

My people, what is amazing about it all is that the elephants managed to mimic the voice of the umbrella Baba and captured it on tape which they insist was a conversation between him and some selected phantom inky fraternity people who were supposed to be in a gathering somewhere in the eastern side of the upper part of the savannah area of the motherland.

That is not all, my people. The elephants also had a list of names purported to be the names of the inky fraternity people who were registered at a money-keeping place to facilitate the transfer of cash to them from the fortress of power in the capital.

My people, when the issue came up, come and see the umbrella Baba. He jumped onto the tallest roof in the capital city and shouted lie, lie, lie until his voice got hoarsen.

The elephants on the other hand said ‘for here, na true.’

So it was this back and forth that generated the whole confusion and got issues to a head on the faithful day on the Joy talking box where elephant Akumia and the two great grandfathered James clashed.

My people, you see, my grandfather Koo Kasapreko who cut my hunting teeth for me also taught me how to use a simple natural local lie detector device, which I have used over the years to ascertain the veracity of various claims by many people. This is how it works: be consistent in speaking the truth and face the liar eyeball-to-eyeball. He will collapse eventually no matter how long he lasts in spewing his gibberish.

My grandfather also said that if you lie you are not going to last long in your ecstasy before being found out and your joy would evaporate into thin air like liquefied petroleum gas.

My grandfather said after you are found out, you will regret you ever opened your mouth to lie.

My people, my grandfather’s wise words seem to be finding apt expression in the conduct of the elephants, especially elephant Akumia in this instance. While at the Joy talking box discussion, the umbrella James literally ripped elephant Akumia open. He exposed the falsity of the elephants’ claim of a gathering ever taken place anywhere between the inky fraternity people in the eastern side of the upper part of the savannah area of the motherland and the list of names of the supposed inky fraternity people supposed to be future beneficiaries of cash transfer from the fortress of power to them through the money-keeping place they mentioned as Na- ara.

My people, by the time the two-great-grandfather-umbrella-James finished with elephant Akumia at the Joy talking box discussion, elephant Akumia’s excitement was completely evaporated, leaving him lost in the elephant world of falsehood manufacturing.

My people, the thing got to a point where elephant Akumia had to do something. Then lo and behold, elephant Akumia remembered his new chief elephant’s newly created way of elephant life he named ‘all die be die,’ where the new chief elephant is teaching the elephant fraternity to use all crude ways to take back the fortress of power from the umbrella people, including even killing, lieing, maiming and even insulting the umbrella people openly like little kindergarten children.

My people, after being caught lying through his teeth by the umbrella James, elephant Akumia decided to apply the principle of his new chief elephant’. That was when he did the unthinkable.

In fact, my people, Elephant Akumia insulted the umbrella James without shame. Fact is, coming from the forest where the elephants have spend most of the time hiding their shame from being kicked out of the fortress of power by the people of the motherland in the last ruler selection exercise two and half dozen moons ago, the elephants seem to have lost all the little moral values they learnt whiles occupying the fortress and in charge of the motherland’s affairs for 8 whole sets of dozen moons.

My people, “you are a stupid fool” was the only way elephant Akumia could fight back to see if he could save himself the total embarrassment from being exposed by the umbrella James with the truth ‘eyeball-to-eyeball.

Then guess what. Just two days after, my people, come and hear the new chief elephant on the Joy Talking box praising elephant Akumia for a job well done. That was when I told myself, my people, that the people of the motherland better get ready for a real nasty doze of the ‘all die be die’ elephant medicine ahead of the next ruler selection exercise of the motherland.

Well, my people, your brother has to go now. See you next market day right here at the Akasanoma Village market square. Cheerio!

Columnist: The Catalyst