Explaining Our Entangled Two-Part Marriage System - Part II

By: N. Amma Twum-Baah

Part I of this article was published on Monday, September 28, 2009. In it, I took a miserable stab at trying to explain our two-part marital system (traditional wedding and western wedding) to Karen, my American friend. While I sought to use humor as a way to drive home my point, my ignorance of our customary marriage was no laughing matter; and many elders and passionate Ghanaians (including a reverend) sent personal emails – besides the comments on the article - seeking to educate me on the issue. For that, I am eternally grateful because it showed that there are Ghanaians out there well-versed in our cultural practices, willing to lend a listening ear and a wise word to the lost amongst us. Part II was supposed to be a conclusion of the conversation explaining why my cousin was having two weddings. But, instead, I have chosen to conclude on a different note - by sharing with you the beauty of what I witnessed this past weekend, and what I learned from those who sought to educate me with their words of wisdom.


My cousin’s traditional marriage took place the Saturday after I turned in Part I of “Explaining our Entangled Two-Part Marriage System” for publication. What I witnessed at the event is worth sharing for the benefit of those who think the “white” wedding is superior to our customary marriage. Hopefully, you will gain a different perspective and embrace the glamour of our rich heritage. I will detail the beauty and essence of our cultural marriage system and ask that we come up with creative ways to make this our unique and more important ceremony, and not just something we do on our way to the altar. I will also point out the similarities I noticed between our traditional wedding and the western wedding. Hopefully, you will see, just as I did, why doing both is duplicative and a waste of time and resources.


This was my second time attending a traditional wedding ceremony. The first was at my older sister’s traditional wedding. I did not witness much at that ceremony because I was too busy attending to our guests. I was able to steal occasional glimpses of the event which took place in the large compound where the two families had gathered seemingly joyous to be witnesses to the joyous occasion. Before then, I had witnessed the knocking ceremony a few days prior where my father handed the man’s (now husband) family a list of items to bring with them to the traditional wedding. The knocking ceremony was short and sweet and was without incident. Except, of course, when my sister showed me her list and my feminist radar picked up on the words “bridal worth.” My father heard a mouthful from me that day as my sisters and I (I was the ring leader) ganged up on him and accused him and my mother of trying to sell their daughter for cheap. The way I see it, if you’re going to say “bridal worth,” you might as well ask for millions because “no man can afford to pay for the worth of women. We are priceless and we know it! But we will settle for a few riches.” In the end, a small victory was won for the Twum-Baah sisters after my dad saw the error in his choice of words and changed “bridal worth” to read: “bridal gift.” He learned two lessons that day: 1) he has some fiery daughters, and 2) never choose bad wording when there’s a potential I might see it. Of course, we laugh about it now, but then, it was war.


Anyway, I digressed. This time, at my cousin’s wedding, I was front and center, right there from beginning to end and I witnessed, with pride, for the first time the beauty and essence of our traditional wedding. The one we now call the “engagement,” and disregard as we fast-trot towards the long red-carpeted aisles of the foreign wedding ceremony. I wished I had gotten to witness this occasion before Karen assaulted me with her barrage of questions because I would have been better prepared. For those of you who haven’t had the opportunity to be present at one of these, let me paint you a mental picture. It is bonding; laughter (of course, if there is a list. I hear some are not such happy occasions), customs, proverbs, traditional language at its best, two very separate families coming together and making nice, and getting to know each other. This was of course an Akan ceremony and I will detail it from that point of view.


Anyway, we (my side of the family) represented on my cousin’s behalf. We were given a time to be there and we showed up bearing gifts (from the list given by the bride’s parents). What makes the ceremony interesting is the role playing/games involved. The bride’s family kept us waiting outside for about thirty minutes trying to let us know we were not going to have it so easy. Finally, we were allowed to enter after knocking several times. The okyeame on the bride’s side met us at the door and let us in. Her family was seated on one side of the room, and our family sat on the other side.


We were offered glasses of water as soon as we were seated, as is required by custom. After we had “ahhed” our thirst relieves over the glasses of water, we were greeted by the bride’s family and asked of our mission - what had brought us to their house that cloudy Saturday morning. (The bride’s parents never uttered a word during the entire ceremony. Apparently, that’s what the okyeame is for.) The same applies to the other side. Words were exchanged (in a friendly manner), and gifts were presented after our okyeame/abusiapanyi had outlined the reason for our early morning visit - “Kwasi has seen this beautiful woman in your house that he’s interested in, and we have come bearing gifts to seek her hand in marriage.” We were then given the go-ahead to proceed with the rest of our mission. A messenger was sent to ask the bride if it was okay for her family to accept the items we had presented – to which the bride responded in the affirmative. It was okay for us to continue. After all the gifts and customary requirements had been met, we requested to see the bride (who all this while is kept in hiding away from the proceedings) and this is where the real fun began. The family pulled another game on us (reluctance to give away their daughter), and our family did some negotiating and convincing to get them to go and get the bride for her soon-to-be husband who was itching to see her. Some women entered the room where the bride was being held and came out with a woman who was not the one we were looking for. Some families go through more than one woman. We went through one. After my cousin rejected the first woman saying she wasn’t the one, the women went back and came out with my cousin’s wife. She was led down the short hallway with the older women leading the way singing and chanting songs of praise and accolades, dressed in a beautifully colored kente slit and kaba fit for a princess (the walk down the aisle). The bride was led to the center of the room with a cloth covering her head to hide her face (the veil). One of the older women asked my cousin if he believed she was his bride. He said yes with such confidence the whole room cracked up with laughter. We were having a blast! The cloth was lifted to reveal his wife. We prayed, we clapped, and we laughed. All had gone well, and everyone was pleased.

Then came the time for the woman to be ushered over to meet her new family. A female representative (an aunt) from our side of the family presented the bride with a white bible and placed the ring on her finger to claps and cheers signifying the acceptance of all present. The bride’s family said their good-byes to their daughter, sister and niece, and led her by the hand to sit by her husband who welcomed her into his family with a wide smile, a hug and a kiss (being handed over to the man at the altar). They were now husband and wife. The last of the drinks (schnapps) was presented by our family as a way of saying “thank you for letting us have her.” The older people in the room offered words of advice to the couple (this is my favorite part because it was a free marriage counseling session from the elderly to all present). I learned a lot just listening to their words of wisdom. If only we could learn from our elders and keep some of these traditions alive, many of us would not be in the positions we find ourselves today. After that, food and drinks were served and the jubilation began. If we were having only one wedding, I believe this would also be the part where the priest would have blessed the marriage and the couple would have exchanged vows. I believe a registry could have been signed, or the couple could wait till Monday to head to the courthouse to make the marriage legally binding. But, they are having the “real” wedding this Saturday. Go figure!


Before I go on, I would like to point out just how far we as a people have come in disregarding our own weddings to the benefit of foreign weddings. Some have such disregard for the traditional wedding they are agreeing to get married in absentia. I am yet to see a western wedding where the couple was absent and the congregation witnessed the ceremony with just their pictures present. What bride do you know will give up the opportunity to walk down the aisle in her white dress to the tune of … yes, Lionel Richie’s “Endless Love?” Unfortunately, this is acceptable when it comes to our customary weddings.


On the contrary, there are certain aspects of the western culture that can be incorporated into our traditional marriage structure without taking away from its significance. Like, the proposal, for instance. I would love to have a man kneel on one knee as I look down into his eyes, tears rolling down my face, a tear sitting in the corner of his eye refusing to fall, as he recites a love speech he has been practicing for a very long time. He would have planned this surprise for months, maybe years. I would all the while be fanning my face with my hands like I’m about to pass out from the hot flushes. He would then proceed to put this huge rock on my finger and as its platinum metal slides up my fourth ring finger I would give these short, sporadic shrieks. Of course I have to be blinded by its glitter because if I am struggling to see the diamond through my tears then I know the depth of his love for me is not that deep. After his third “so will you marry me?” I will jump up and down and twirl around and around like a kid in a candy store yelling “Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!” after which there will be an applause from passers-by … Oh, sorry. I got caught up in the fantasy of that one. But, all jokes aside, the proposal has to be grand and well-planned. I can take the ring off and give it back to him to present to my parents later but I want the “western” proposal. Who said I’m excluded from being hypocritical? Even the most traditional-minded ones among us see something beautiful in the western ways. All I’m asking is that we not throw ours away in preference of theirs, and that we allow ours to take precedence over theirs.


If we can find ways to be creative with what we have been blessed with, we can find a way to make it unique, special and the only one necessary. Many black Americans today are opting for African-themed weddings, why can’t we find ways to embrace the beauty of our own heritage? That being said, as I pointed out along the way, there are many similarities between our traditional marriage and the western marriage – the two families getting together to make merry, the walk down the “aisle,” the veil, the outfits, the ring, the [bible], handing over the bride to her husband, identifying/revealing the bride, bridesmaids who attend to the bride’s every need that day - so why do we need both? Why bother with duplicative ceremonies and waste money that could go to secure the future journey the two have set out to embark on? Not surprisingly, the main cause of failed marriages in the US is financial reasons. How ironic. I know of marriages that ended before the ring had even been paid off and all wedding expenses paid in full. I know of couples who were able to come up with money to have a traditional wedding followed by a lavish “white” wedding and then moved right back into that two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. How stupid! So, both ceremonies are basically the same, except that one is borrowed and the other is solely ours. Which one are we willing to give up, which one do we believe should take precedence over the other? Do you really believe we cannot creatively make our traditional marriages stick out as “the one?” Do we really believe we cannot make the traditional wedding into a Christian wedding and still keep the customary aspect? Sure we can. And I believe we can make them cost-effective, elegant and glamorous affairs, and then head off to the courthouse to make things legal. What do you say?


Ps: Apparently, I can only make so many comments on my articles. I did not know that. To all who commented after my ten strikes was up, thank you for your constructive, intelligent contributions. I appreciate it.


(N. Amma Twum-Baah is the founder and editor of Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online. She can be reached at afrikangoddess.ag@gmail.com)