For the love of cars

CONTROVERSY UNLIMITED: FOR THE LOVE OF CARS

Calus Von Brazi

No this is not about Ibrahim’s Bentley, neither is it about Sikkens’ fleet of Mercedes Benz cars. It surely isn’t about J.A Plant Pool or custom made BMW cars of the 7th nomenclature. It is about sheer greed, stupidity and more crass stupidity. Until it happened, I thought the ruling government was being a notch too draconian.

During the rather short transition from his Kufuorship to Attahood, allegations of hiding and ‘transitioning’ of cars from state-owned to private-property abounded. Attahood monks railed at the lack of candour and forthrightness from Kufuorship cardinals who allegedly took property owning to dizzying heights. Much as I am an ardent adherent to the ideology that underpins property owning democracy, I do not subscribe to property owning premised not on hardwork but on the inclination and implementation of the inclination that makes for the shortchanging of the Land of our Death (apologies again to Steve Biko). Truth be told, some of the Kufuorship cardinals must have enjoyed the warm and user friendly interiors of those semi-luxurious pieces of metal. They must have envisaged those delightful machines gracing their end of service accoutrements as the crown jewels in their package. Maybe the entire thought process was fed by doses of “Yere ko yenim” (not the one that really means going anywhere in the wrong direction) while they sabotaged the very same Yere ko yenim as though it was the bubonic plague. Now we are here. Attahood monks are on to a good thing: the love of cars.

Talking about love of cars vis-à-vis Attahood monks: are they really social democrats? In my humbly biased opinion, methinks the monkhood of Atta adherents are no true social democrats. You see, the Scandinavians demonstrate social democracy in such a way as to attract even the most diehard property ownership moguls to reconsider their ideological genre. However, I have come to the painful conclusion that the Attahood group of social democrats is nothing but property chasing social democrats. Just consider their penchant for cars; and the interesting thing is, they never give a ride to the boys. Yes, the boys who rallied to the calls that nearly set this country ablaze. Just listen to them and you’ll gasp in awe at their frustration. Why won’t they be? Now that some people have ridden on their backs to high office and have conveniently changed all their telephone numbers, it follows naturally that the status marker of Ghana’s capital A.C.C.R.A becomes their next line of acquisitions. It is this that has induced the first part of the love of cars, which otherwise seemingly became the sole preserve of Kufuorship cardinals. I saw the Bawku boy in his Peugeot 607. As affable as ever he waved back to a motley group of onlookers as he left the premises of Alisa Hotel, having held the fort alone against opposition gurus and then the whispers started “that’s right…who say power no sweet?” They had all conveniently forgotten that the young spokesperson had even been a Member of Parliament before, owned a Toyota Landcruiser and would probably have preferred not to use a 607, save for the fact that His Presidential Attahood seemingly abhors ostentatious ostentation; how can lesser mortals outshine and defy the laws of the Attahood?

The second part of the love of cars is even more deadly. I hope Gbevlo the Lartey would not come after my sorry backside when he reads this. But, Victor Ohene Newman once told Kwesi Pratt an interesting thing during a friendly banter and without his permission I quote him verbatim “Massa, everybody has a name. The NPP as a political party is not corrupt. Members of the NPP may be corrupt. At the end of the day, the names of people who happen to be NPP sympathizers may be called to answer questions of corruption in courts of competent jurisdiction or committees of enquiry. Nobody would ever haul the NPP to such a body for corruption”. Is there anything in that? I bet there is.

You see, if for instance, you happen to be a security officer of His Waa Waa Kufuorship, and you paint a police motorcycle black, hide it in a proper property owned hotel and keep cars there under suspicious circumstances, like Saddam Hussein did in keeping Bell 212 Helicopters in his cousin’s mansions, Yaw the Donkor or Gbevlo the Lartey shall come after you. If your house witches abandon you and those you refused to pay monies promised them by his Kufuorship invoke gagatiga on you, then GHC1,300,000 might just be found in your room. Now not even Prince Amoabeng, Daniel Ofori or Osei Kwame Despite keeps that kind of loose money around. In these days that Intercontinental is looking for GHC 30,000,000 to escape the wrath of a yet-to-be-booted-out Paul the Acquah’s rules, keeping that sum of money in a room isn’t such a great idea. Truth is, my dear reader, Attahood apparatchiks have always maintained that the rising inflation and the high cost of living are the handiwork of disgruntled Kufuorship cardinals. Now let us start converting GHC 1,300,000 held in a private room into a week-on-week inflation, starting from midnight, January 7, 2009. God self go vex. Frankly, that kind of amount would guarantee some CTL his or her job in Barclays, now that they top the charts in redeployment of trained banking personnel.

So it is these kinds of ‘evasive action’ guys that have successfully extended the hunt for red February; sorry, hunt for cars loved by lovers of cars. What in God’s most exalted name has gotten into people’s head and rooted itself so much that they simply want to be intransigent about ‘Aban’ Cars? Why don’t they just return them? The irritating reality is that these cars would be decrepit in three years, so what is the point of keeping something which you cannot use and which would lose its value, looks and attraction within the next two years? And then there is the case of some drivers who appear to have kept cars used by their former bosses without their knowing. As foolish as they have been, they have succeeded in creating the impression that the poor unsuspecting boss intended to or has actually stolen a state vehicle. Again I ask: what is wrong with people? Take Akufo-Addo for example; somebody’s warped thinking results in embarrassment with Tony the firebrand Aidoo insinuating that the man was keeping state vehicles. Yet, this is a man who while in opposition owned jaguars and the like, long before his Kufuorship added the ship to his surname. At least I heard good old Kwesi Pratt mention that “Big Boy”, Akufo-Addo’s driver, drove a jaguar long before the AFC hit the streets. Why would he take some state car? The man does not even drive to begin with. But, as Na nu hwin Korea would say, “we are where we are”

I make no apologies. His Presidential Attahood should deal “mobolessly” with anybody found to be in possession of a boneshaker’s tyre. Perhaps we could sell some of them to arrest the free fall of the “dwetee”. But please don’t send Gbevlo the Lartey to go to someone’s farm to tow campaign vehicles to God knows where again. You see, no minister rode in Tata or Nissan Pickup vehicles and as you might have noticed, property owning people, their taste buds are averse to pick ups. They say that such vehicles jump too much, as in the case of the elephant behaving like a kangaroo, so frankly, Kufuorship cardinals and property owning people, they hate pick up waa. Just imagine Otanka in a pick up? I mean how? A miserable weasel like my balding self would be found in one, but say Osei D.K? What is he going to do with a Tata pickup? This is not “Ofee dull” matter. If you doubt this, just refer to Asamoah-Boateng’s move to raise money to buy his Kufuorship a befitting car. Did you hear anything like pick up being suggested? If that had been mentioned, I bet those who ‘sat on’ campaign pickups which they never used would simply step forward and donate, whether they were sidelined in the presentation of the Member of the Volta award or not.

Some people too say that His Presidential Attahood does not really need the cars but rather, some arugba posse around him (not the characters and the mediocre people) just want to show some too known braggadocios where power rests. The rumour mill is churning out such mind-boggling statements that maybe we should do a bit of Lavrenty Beria to checkmate it. I mean why would someone “Joshualize” Akufo-Addo’s car? It does not make sense. All the same, the worrying signals this is sending to the international community does not serve to promote our national interest. I kept imaging what Laurent the Gbagbo or Faure the Gnassingbe must have been thinking when His Presidential Attahood called on them: O! Here cometh our neighborly brother of the car seizure fame! Not such a good idea at all: can we get issues of cars over and done with in order to fully confront the burning issues of hunger and malnutrition, poverty and underdevelopment as well as social cohesion and national security? I think we can collectively substitute and exchange the love of cars with such nobler ideals. While at, would someone kindly tell the 28-year old deputy minister to drop the over-enthusiasm to please the arugba posse of his party? For someone who has never earned a paycheck since checking out of school, he can be excused for some level of enthusiasm at landing a new deputy ministerial job, but not double-checking allegations and venting effusions calculated at besmirching the reputation of his grandfather’s age mates…well, at least we remember what the pig told the piglet when it was asked the reasons for which its snort was the way it was, don’t we?

God shine his face upon you till next week!