‘God is Guilty’

Mawuli Zogbenu Columnist Ep.jpeg Mawuli Zorbegnu is the author of the piece

Fri, 13 Sep 2019 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

If your side Chic breaks up with you after chopping your money, e dey pain o. You too retaliate. Just do this: don’t try to endure the heartbreak alone; share the pain. Send her a message around 11pm in the night that reads: ‘hi Angie, I was at the hospital lab today to check my HIV status and the result came out…oh my God! Why did you have to do this to me? After infecting me, you dumped me in addition? Angie, why, why, why?’. Then switch your data and phone off. Relax with a bottle of kpoo k3k3 and receive fresh air! You can predict who would have the worst night. Break ups are painful; I just went through one. It was my cat that decided not to come home again for fear of the impending holiday on September 23 just because it saw me buying pepper and tomatoes with onions and stocked them in the fridge. Ah!

Why do some people feel extra important when their whatsapp statuses are read? I still don’t understand o. You put your problems, progress, the God factor, and jokes out there to the world and feel why should anybody be interested in reading your affairs, progress, failure, joy etc yet when they read, you begin to feel too important. What’s that!

You see one of the things you should feel proud about is when people are gossiping about you; your progress, failure, success, morality etc especially if you are the one sharing whatever is happening to you via your statuses on whatsapp. Let them gossip so you feel more important la. If gossiping about you solves their own problems, why not!

Everybody has a problem; they have decided to abandon theirs to discuss yours, why not be happy, my Sister?

Wooaaaa look. I just saw this on Ablavi’s status: ‘It’s been God since day one’, That’s Ablavi, my side eyi o. Yesterday for the first time, I gave her GHC200. The next thing she put on her whatsapp status is ‘it’s been God since day one’. Really? Why deceive God when you are dating a married man who has sorted you out and you think God is in support? Or you didn’t know that this married man has a family to take care of and he could not sleep the whole of last week because there was a festival of school fees when schools reopened? You wanted his children’s education to suffer because of your GHC200 which can buy books and stationery or be used to top up to pay school fees for his children who would become medical doctors? Ah. Ablavi, abeg, change your status to read: ‘God forgive me, but I have no choice’.

Ei, is it true that the first lesson taught at the medical school is ‘a patient cured is a customer lost’? For over 6 months now, I haven’t visited the hospital o and my doctor saw me complaining that ‘it’s been a long time since I called him over fever fever’. He forgot that the last time I fell sick, he was the same person who advised me to be exercising. Now I am exercising and I hardly fall sick, and he is complaining. But he was very happy for me, the fact that I don’t even bother him with calls or visit his facility at 3E Health Centre at Dunkonah again. That is the ultimate aim of a medical doctor – to see his or her patients very healthy and happy. No be so? Me I don’t know oo but whether you like it or not, at some point you would feel unwell especially when broke. That is when you find people going to the hospital to complain that ‘Doctor, I cant sleep’. Who told you he or she, the doctor is able to sleep when he or she also has school fees to pay? We are all thinking o, you don’t know!

Anyway, Ablavi thank you for thanking God on my behalf for Him giving me salary from which you can also tap some. GHC200 no be small money o, hahahaaaa!

Even when people are caught red-handed cheating, they scream: ‘Oh my God’. What should He do for you? That is the reason I think we need to pray for God la or? If He is punishing us enough, we will stop sinning, the reason I think ‘God is Guilty’ of allowing us to continue sinning! Anyway, the Bible says God is a merciful God and we hide behind that to ‘commit crime’ and go scot-free, abi? Hmmm!

Anyway, very soon Ablavi and I would start the fight again over minor minor things again and she would change her status to: ‘All men are the same’ as if she has dated all the men in the world before.

I remember when I first met her and her words of motivation. Kw33333! They sweet roff, with vim! ‘Go and close the door first’ ‘you’d spoil my zip, ‘let me do it myself’, ‘please turn off the light first er…’ ‘remove it for me’ ‘it’s painful but sweet…’! These motivational words are words that make men feel they have done 95% of the work and are close to ‘business success’. No be so? Hahahahaaaa!

It’s Fridayy and I just remembered when as a young man, I refused to buy arm chairs but had a bed with an orthopaedic mattress and 3 pillows. Not that I could not afford chairs o, but evil mind would simply not permit me. Female visitors especially have no choice but to sit on the bed. One pillow for me, one pillow for her and the third pillow to support her in a special way. You put it under her to ‘raise her hopes high’ for eyi to be ‘deep’. Whaaaaat! Very easy from that angle. If you know, you know la! Just locku door and then…piaaaaaa.! Move to the right in the name of Jesus…move to left in the name of the Lord….’. Ajeeeei! May God forgive us our past sins as we prepare to sin again this Friday and Saturday and go to church and pray for forgiveness on Sunday. We would become clean for a few hours then we start sinning again. Ao God! You have a problem o, hmmm, bigger than ours.

‘Pastor, anytime I laugh for a long time, I cough for a long time and I don’t know the cause. Please help me find the cause and pray for me to stop laughing’. This was someone’s problem and he had all the time to call a radio station during a preaching session.

Another one said: ‘Man of God, God bless you for the good works you are doing. I am an apprentice mason started learning the trade last Thursday. After a tedious day on Friday, suddenly my right hand has started paining me. I just don’t know what is wrong with me spiritually’. Pastor please pray for me. So does this man understand mason work? Hmmm. Yeso, come to think of it, why is it so hard to get apprentices for such trades as masons, capenters, steel benders, tailors and seamstresses? They are no longer interested? The few available of such artisans are either unreliable or just over charge their clients. No wonder foreigners from our neighbouring countries are making money from here. They are ready to charge GHC25 for by-day work. A typical Ghanaian mason would take not less than GHC70 from you. Even that, they may toss toss you saaaa because they are a few good ones. No youngman wants to be a mason anymore; he wants one that can pay him quick quick quick. Not ready to leran but ready to earn!

How many of us also pray for our pastors who are also human beings? You dress sh3p333 with cleavage ‘disorders’ sitting in front of the pastor who is preaching and God is not punishing you for your ‘evil deeds’, isn’t ‘God guilty’ of not sanctioning you?

Any way, let us continue to do good o. Anyone who cannot do anything for free but always expects something in return, when a calamity hits him, it mostly strikes so hard making it difficult for him to get help! Let’s all do good without thinking about it. The returns come back to you in different froms, you have no idea. It lloks like it’s the same as doing bad o.

When you do good now, you have just sown a seed and can’t expect instant harvest; it would take some time. The same way if you sow bad seed, you may not have the reward / punishment immediately but it will happen. I know you would not take my advice even if I advise you not to do bad so go ahead; it’s only a matter of time and your skin go catch you, big time! Karma is like a mirror!

I am going to play soccer for only 5 minutes at the Insurance Games tomorrow at Burma Camp Sports Complex. I would have loved boxing though I know I would be beaten by my opponent kportorrrrrr!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu