Gerry’s Notes: I love God and porn

Yep! I love porn and God or God and porn whichever works for you. I have never been one to put labels on things or position things in my life. I believe as humans we can love people or things equally without subjecting ourselves to unnecessary scrutiny or questions or judgements.

My obsession with porn began when I started watching movies with erotic scenes. I am a virgin but I have made out with several guys I dated who to be fair did their very best to get me in the “mood” but I always found myself stopping them or faking excitement because they were never able to get me there till I started watching porn.

This may seem strange but I don’t watch porn in order to have sex or masturbate. I watch it because it arouses certain feelings in me that I never thought existed. As weird as it may sound, pornography makes me feel like a woman, the kind of feeling my ex-boyfriends couldn’t give me, unfortunately.

I didn’t place too many expectations on my exes but I knew that sex was supposed to be satisfactory for all parties involved. Maybe it’s because I haven’t met the right person but till I do all I’ve got is porn and it gets the “job” done.

Do I feel ashamed admitting to something most people find difficult to admit they do? Absolutely not! I am not hurting anyone.

I do not like the amateur or homemade kind of porn. No! I love the hardcore, the lesbians porn; I like the mum and son getting it on; the step-brother and sister kind of porn, I’ve got a twisted mind, I know but that is me. Those make me come. They make me experience things in my body. The thought of having that with my husband someday really gets my libido humping. Yeah! I know my expectations may be too high but can you blame me for wanting to have a man who’d make me feel alive? Has that not been your wildest fantasy too?

I am not insane but believe it or not I am a Christian who happens to find pleasure in things that people, especially Christians, frown upon. I take solace in the fact that I am not the only one with this love for what others may consider obscene materials or smut – or so I think.

I am an open-minded Christian. I know the realities of life. I am not naïve, neither am I stupid to believe that any man will be fine with just a missionary position without any crazy adventures in the bedroom.

I don’t smoke. I don’t do alcohol (not even wine), I don’t steal or lie (you can stop rolling your eyes now). I have never dated any married man, although I must admit one swept me off my feet, and I nearly fell for him. My only guilty pleasure is pornography. Hopefully my pastor isn’t reading this, LOL. I love God with all my heart; I study the Bible – well, sometimes. I go to church on Sundays and I pray, so I consider myself very “spiritual”. I know God frowns upon pre-marital sex and since I know my body is the “temple of God”, I pride myself in making sure that no man touches me till we get married. That is how much I love God. You might have a different understanding of what it means to love God, but this is mine.

I have read a lot of stories about men who cheat on their partners because they aren’t adventurous enough in the bedroom; these men refer to their spouses as boring. I do not want that in my marriage. I always like to prepare and be prepared.

My parents always made me believe that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but they also forgot the part where getting through the man’s pants is also another way to their heart.

I know I want to experience orgasm the first time I have sex. On our wedding day, prior to the honeymoon, I want my husband to arouse me throughout the night, touch me secretly under the table (I plan on getting rid of my panty, just to make the access easy), gently rob his hand on my thigh, tease me a little before we finally end up in bed and have the best sex of our lives.

On my first night, I want to be tied up and spanked gently and speak dirty to me, I mean you get the gist. Every time I watch porn, those things make me want to wish I am married so I can go straight to my husband and blow his brains out.

I mean why can’t I be a lady for my husband in public and a freak in the bedroom as well? Pornography has taught me the best of both worlds, well more of being a freak which I’m not complaining.

Wanna know what I do whenever I feel a little tingling? I head straight to the bathroom and pee, LOL.

Do I feel guilty anytime I watch it? No! But I do sometimes feel uncomfortable when I go to church and my pastor talks about it. I know for a fact that I am not the only Christian with a secret and besides this is for a good “cause”. This is not me justifying my actions. It is my own way of preparing for the future so that I am not taken by surprise when it actually starts happening.

I want to believe that I am different from those who commit adultery; the lesbian/gay Christians; those who drink alcohol and fornicate et cetera because they sin against God and I don’t, I think.

People will describe me as a lukewarm Christian but I don’t believe that I am. I don’t allow porn to influence me so much that I go about disrespecting God’s temple.

It is just for a simple reason, to make my bedroom spontaneous and adventurous someday and to experience some small tingling, LOL.

Porn has taught me a lot and is still teaching me.

So yeah, I love God……and I love porn.