Letter to Xexemuxe - my wife is special!

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Wed, 21 Oct 2015 Source: Dowuona, Samuel

Dear Xexe,

Today is exactly 14 years since I got married to the love of my life. In my letter to you on my 13th, Xexe, I shredded the fallacy that "one vagina kills a penis" into pieces. This time I want to tell you how special my wife is, particularly because she still stood by me in the midst of a very painful incident that could have spoilt our chances of being together.

Growing up, I was not your most attractive person and I knew it. I grew up with a little bit of inferiority complex because I used to wet my bed as a kid and my parent would whip me and wrap me in the soiled cloths and mat and push me out for people to see I soiled my bed.

It is funny now, but it was not funny then. It broke my self-worth and I grew up thinking I am not fit for any of the girls in the vicinity because they all saw and knew me as the kid who wets his bed. That may have in a big way accounted for why I never got a girlfriend in the vicinity. I never even tried to. I saw all my age mates get attached to the girls. Some even younger than me were balling at the time, but not me. In fact I used to hang with boys way younger than me because I did not feel worthy to role with the big boys.

The other reason I did not get a girlfriend like all the others did was I got born again at age 16, and that made me put off the whole idea of chasing girls completely. I had God and my books on my mind so no time for girls, and definitely not the girls in my vicinity. I began to see them as vain people, even though I used to desire them from a distance not too long ago. So any hopes of mastering the skill and tact of "rapping" a girl was completely dashed for me at a very early age.

I was born again alright, and I became a very clever student overnight. In fact the bed wetting stopped like magic and I became the toast of my parents. But my mouth was still sealed with POP. I simply did not see myself proposing love to a lady ever. I could not possibly imagine it in my reality. I saw people do it and I condemned them openly, but admired them privately for their boldness and confidence that they had what it took to win girls. I simply did not feel attractive

and worthy.

But one day, I went to pray in a place we called the Dark Room at school. When I got there I met this young lady praying passionately. This was the same lady I had met in a queue to the bursar's office. She had stepped on my foot in the queue and I had given her a stern look, which caused her to apologize in a way that made me feel bad for getting angry. I was shy of all ladies but I was double shy of her and dreaded running into her again.

On this day, however, I waited for her to come out of the Dark Room, then I went in and for some strange reason, my first prayer was, "God, if ever I marry, may I marry this girl." Xexe, I did not know how to "rap" a lady so I handed it over to God to "rap" her for me; what do you think? Hahahaha.

But after praying I had to go forward and say something to her before God can give me that boost by making her accept. That took me seven years Xexe, seven good years when we had finished secondary school, and gone our separate ways in academic pursuit. What helped me was we were members of the same church so she continued being my friend even long after school. Xexe, even under those friendly conditions, which I believe God set up for me to comfortably approach her, it took me seven long years.

And this is one of the reasons I say my wife is special. Within the seven years we were just friends (not fiancé and fiancée), she did something that no young lady I know today would even think of, much more doing. My wife was the last of three girls and she had lots of senior male and female cousins, uncles and all. She was loved very much by all these people and so she never went a day without loads of money in her purse.

Xexe, anytime we planned on going anywhere, she would give me almost all her money to hold so that when we have to spend money it will come from my pocket and not her purse. I usually did not have enough money on me, and she knew it so she covered my shame by giving me her money so that no one would know she was the one making all the expenses. Xexe, that was extremely special; and I don't say so because I was the beneficiary, but it was truly rare to find anyone like that then, much more now.

And Xexe, it was not like I was wasteful or an opportunist or anything of a sort. I just did not have it and she did not have to give me her money to hold as a cover for me, but she did it every single time, and I am proud of her. Even when she became my fiancé later on, she would not make unnecessary and wasteful demands like some young ladies do even from men who are not their boyfriends. She would only talk about spending on the most important things and I would rather think of doing a little something, something for her from my meager resources from time to time.

Xexe, today, if I let my wife decide what we use our money for, it is not because I a fool. It is because I can trust her with my wealth. It is because I know what when my money is in her hands, I can go to bed and sleep knowing that the money is being put to judicious use. That is special, isn't it?

Another special one; she was loved by virtually everybody in church. At that young age, she was already the nurse of the church. When we went for camp meetings, or hold fun games, she would come prepared to take care of people who get hurt accidentally. She was not a trained nurse then but she loved it. No wonder she chose that profession and remains one of the most passionate and caring nurses I have ever seen, in these days of encounters with nurses from hell in all our hospitals. Her colleagues at work call her "Emergency Nurse". She could have been in the classroom teaching nursing by now, but she told me her passion is to be by the bed side and help the sick and she is sticking with it till till. Hahaha. That is special Xexe.

Speaking of everyone loving her, loads of guys, including pastors, church leaders and guys who had everything I did not have made moves on her. In fact some of them even came to me to find ways of breaking the walls and getting close to her like I was. I generously gave people all the tips but they did not succeed. Some even made a mess of their whole approach. I had not proposed to her yet but our friendship meant so much to her she would not simply not yield to better looking and better resourced guys. Xexe, that was special.

Xexe, when the time finally came for me to say the word, it came with a lot of drama, and that was one of the most hurtful and precarious moments in our years of wonderful friendship. That incident could easily have damaged our chances of ending a good story in a beautiful way. But our bond was so strong, so true, so pure, so authentic it could not break even though the devil tried hard.

Xexe, one of our church members, a guy suspected to be a wee smoker, told another lady that he saw me and my wife in some immoral act. It has been a while so I have forgotten if he said he saw us having sex or kissing or something of a sort. This lady he told this lie to, was in some fresh immorality problem which had just emerged in the church. But this lady managed the courage to carry on this lie to the pastor of the church because she was one of the pastor's favorite girls then.

The pastor called us and told us that someone had accused us of immorality and he was investigating. He never told us who our accuser was, but did tell us the message came through that lady. Apparently, before we were told, everybody else in the church choir was aware, and I was the Choir Leader and my wife was an executive in the choir too. And at the time I struggled with a lot of disrespect for leadership in the choir. So that information made me understand why people were just disrespectful.

In the midst of those challenges, we went for a church camp meeting at Mpraeso Secondary. While at the camp, we had a choir meeting and I used the opportunity to tell the choir that we were all brothers and sisters and singing for The Lord is a spiritual thing so we need to connect in the spirit to be able to make an impact. I therefore admonished members to be open to each other and not allow information such as the one making the rounds about me and my wife fester and grow among us.

Xexe, minutes after we finished the meeting, the head pastor of the church invited me to his room and when I got there I was met with insults and raging anger. He called me stupid and foolish and all kinds of names. Apparently, this same lady who reported the gossip to him has gone to him with crocodile tears saying I spoke about the gossip issue and made her feel ashamed because everybody in the choir knew she was the one who gave life to the gossip and that wee smoker guy was her friend.

The head pastor made me feel guilty for addressing an issue as the leader of the choir in the most subtle way I knew how. He made me go on my knees and apologized to this lady, who had rather fueled a damage to my character for no apparent reason. After asking for her forgiveness the pastor sacked me from his room and told me I will hear from him when the congregation gathers that afternoon.

That afternoon, he called me and Mavis to the front of the church and told everybody we have been accused of immorality so we were going to be quarantined to go pray for three hours until God convicted us of our sins so we can confess. Xexe, I thought to myself "what a charade". Then I thought that was a good opportunity for me to pray for my future with Mavis because there was no sin to confess.

After three hours we came out spiritually charged and probably bonded more as friends. That evening when the church met, the pastor called us forward again and told the church if there was any sin for us to confess he was expecting us to go to him privately and tell him, and he would then report to the church. Xexe, I knew in my heart of hearts the pastor was fully aware there was nothing to confess, but he only did that to us just to protect that young lady, who was one of his many informants in the church, whose minds have been wired by him to deliver only negative, destructive and counterproductive stuff to him. He loved them more than he loved those of us who had sacrificed our lives to work in the church and to use our God-given talents to serve in the church.

Xexe, eventually the camp went over and we returned to Accra. Days after our return, the Rambo pastor called us again and said for wee smoker who supposedly started the gossip had admitted it was a lie he told. Apparently, he needed to find a way to bury the immorality issue making rounds about the other lady, who was his friend, and he invented this lie, which was fueled by the same lady and the pastor bought it hook, line and sinker. He could not even see the obvious wicked propaganda. He was so blinded by his extreme liking for gossips in the church that the faithful ones can rot in hell, he does not care.

Xexe, when the pastor told us the guy admitted to his lies, we though the natural thing to do was for him to go back to the church and tell them that wicked gossip was a lie, but he did was could have broken the two of us apart for good. We were so shocked we did not even know what to say. We had walk out of his office feeling so disappointed in a man we had known as our spiritual father and pastor. We thought we were dealing with someone who loved us and would protect us no matter what. But he threw us to the dogs at the first opportunity and when he got the chance to repair the damage he blew it big time.

Here is what the pastor did when he got the chance to correct his wrong:

1. He told us even if the accusation by the wee smoker was a lie, he still cannot vouch for us because he does not know what else we have been doing in private.

2. He told us if we insisted on he going to the church to tell them THE TRUTH, he will wash his hands off us and he will NOT BLESS OUR MARRIAGE if we ever marry in the future.

This means those who came to the camp meeting from other churches, and all our church members are still under the impression that we committed a sin because the pastor would rather protect himself, his gossip of an informant and a wee smoker rather than the evidently proven innocent people like us.

Xexe, this was the point when Mavis decided to leave that church for good. When we left the pastor's office she told me on this. She said "I don't see how this man could be my father. My own father cannot do this to me so if this man can do this man can do this to me then I don't know what he will do next so I can't stay in this church."

Xexe, I had never felt my chances of marrying Mavis was under a threat until that moment. She wants to leave the church. Which church was she going to? Which other guy could she go and meet? What will be my place in her life if she left? These were questions lingering in my head. I tried to convince her to stay but her mind was made up. So I got home that day with double blow; a pastor who deserted me for no reason and a possible fiancée who could just give up on us because of the damage from this pastor.

Xexe, this situation pushed me to take my chances so I will know if we have a future or not. So the night after that bad experience in the pastor's office, I visited my Mavis and took the opportunity to propose love to her. It was a moment of tears. But we found solace in the fact that our love was real and pure. We were sure we belonged to and with each other. We had no doubt in our minds. She said to me "you know what my answer is".

The rest is history, and it only makes me think my wife is special. She is special because some other lady in her position would has dumped me because I chose to stay with that pastor after all he did to us. In fact, I was the one who admonished the choir about living as brothers and sisters. My innocent action led to this huge and unwarranted disgrace on Mavis and yet she still decided to stay with me.

Eventually, the pastor' swords "I WILL NOT BLESS YOUR MARRIAGE" came to pass because after a few years other incidents around the pastor made me and other leave the church and when Mavis and I got married he was not even there to witness the beautiful wedding, much more bless it. We invited him to our wedding but he was too pompous to accept our invite and come. As usual, he made it about himself rather than us, so eventually he could not be at the wedding.

Fourteen years on and I can speak about this matter and not feel angry in my heart like I felt for many years but suppressed it for the sake or Christ. Recently, that pastor came on my Facebook wall and tried to take credit for how far my wife and I have come today. He actually said he was proud of the role he played. The man is full of himself. That comment triggered the pain a bit because I thought to myself that either this man intended to hurt us after 14 years or he is something I can't describe on this platform. Totally unnecessary comment after 14 years.

But what is important today is that God gave me a very special lady and she has been so for 14 years. Xexe, if I have to marry all over again, I bet you know who I will do.

Columnist: Dowuona, Samuel