Holy matrimony; when the African woman ties down her destiny?

Nathan Qarboo Tetteh (Motivational Speaker/ Life Coach) +233244903748 teegeenathans@gmail.com

‘The glory of a woman only manifests when she is married’. These were the exact words of my mother some few years back while she was trying to advice one of my older sisters and I happened to eavesdrop on the conversation. I have grown to also accept that marriage is a good thing and it is the only approved means through which the human race can be sustained.

Aside procreation, people must also get married so they can have lifelong companionship in fulfilment of the word of God which I strongly subscribe to as well. The focus of this paper however is not to dispute the critical importance of marriage in our lives, but to stimulate a paradigm shift in how marriage is perceived from the African female point of view, which men unfortunately happen to be the cause of.

As per my personal observation, I have come to a realization that most women who are big today in our Ghanaian society are people who are either unmarried or divorced. They seem to have a freewill to achieve greater things than their colleagues who are married. Some women were also doing good in their various fields of endeavor until they got married and then we ceased to hear about them. If marriage is to be an avenue for continuous growth as I perceive it, then this trend is certainly alarming.

A woman must be submissive to her husband so that he can also love her to the fullest of his capacity. However, most women in submitting to their husbands, submit their life calling as well and this is where society has or is supposed to have a problem.

Women should be able to stay married and still pursue their dreams and become distinguished accomplishers in society. but the current situation where women are encouraged to abandon their own dreams and aspirations and rather support their husbands’ courses is what baffles my mind. There is a certain striking beauty about women who have made it to the top and successfully achieved a lot in life. What I have noticed however is that, most women-achievers in Ghana and perhaps Africa at large, are people who are not married. Personally, I think this trend is worrying.

Success and achievement was not only made for men and women are not second class citizens of this world. Therefore they should have the same opportunities to live their own dreams, rather than become a part of another person’s (in this case their husbands) dreams.

This is wrong and until we shift our thought patterns to a more positive outlook where women can be married, have children and still have a right to pursue their dreams and achieve just as much as their husbands, our bid to achieve total gender equality will only be a sham. Men must understand that marriage is not the end of a woman’s life.

Most women after marriage, only exist rather than live. I do not care how many cars a man buys for his wife. She should be able to pursue those enviable dreams she once had before getting married. There are too many women driving cars because their husbands have the money, and that is not a bad thing at all.

My point however is that, that woman should also be able to drive a car because she can afford it, and not necessarily because her husband can always facilitate it. Many women are wasting potential which could have been harnessed to tackle the difficult times that Africa has been facing. But rather all these talents have been concealed from us because men would rather want their wives to support them rather than have the women be champions of their own.

I recently read an article in a daily, in which some people were calling for men to be given paternal leaves just as the women have. I think this is a good thing. Have you ever wondered what negative effect maternal leave has on women in the corporate world? Well this is it; it actually makes them very ineffective at work and thereby serving their male work colleagues the opportunity to always swoop the big opportunities that present themselves in the world of work.

Therefore if men were also given paternal leave, then it would in effect place them on the same plane with women and the competition would become healthier and fairer. But the case where women are given several weeks off duty in order for men to take uo their positions in their absence is total injustice to the human race. The marriage contract is a mutual one, usually initiated by the male counterpart.

Therefore if there are any consequences, I believe such consequences should be shared equally. Im not in any way trying to downplay the enormous responsibilities that men have, but in this era where women pay utility bills and school fees while men spend money on alcohol, their family and sports betting, giving married women an equal playing field is definitely not too much.

Our African society seems to have this natural tendency which suppresses the progress of married women. But if Abraham Maslow’s theory of needs is anything to go by, then women also want to self-actualize.

They want to have an identity. The modern day woman wants to be referred to as the Chief Executive Officer of ‘XYZ’ rather than be referred to as the wife of the Chief Executive Officer. Why can’t we allow our women to grow? Are African men scared of competition? Women are dreamers too. Women are achievers too.

Women also have a right to be independent and do things for themselves. Let us not use the fact that they want to get married and build a family to stifle their progress as individuals. They should have their own lives to live even after marriage. Men should be happy to see their wives soar above the apex and not feel intimidated, but rather proud.

To every woman who would make contact with this article, please do not bury your dreams just because you are married. Strive towards achievement. You will not be judged by how much your husband was able to accomplish, but rather by how much you did for yourself personally. God will judge us individually, and not as couples. Dare to dream as a married woman and let your husband support you. After all, there is no marriage in heaven. Can I get an Amen? (haha, that’s just by the way). Thank you for making time to read and I hope you found this useful.

For seminars and other motivational/public speaking engagements, the following contact details would be of use to you.