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'I caught my wife red-handed'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Fear women o, hmmmm! I was lying on my bed with mobile phone in hand chatting sweetly with one of ‘those things’ of mine. My wife was in the kitchen cooking and needed me to help her to grind pepper but I gave her an excuse that I was sending some official information to my Boss via wosap.

A few minutes later, the lights went off. Prepaid finish! Then she requested to use my mobile phone torchlight to guide her in her culinary exercise in the kitchen. I reluctantly gave it to her but made sure I stood by her to use only torchlight bcos my phone had no password.

For reasons best known to me and some other men, I had to stand on her neck in the kitchen till she finished cooking. Unfortunately for me, just when I’d wanted to take my phone away from her, someone called me on my yam phone.

By the time I had finished talking with the person to join my wife in the kitchen for my wosap phone, I caught her red-handed reading all my whatsap messages on my phone. Lord God have mercy! I caught her la and when I screamed ‘Jesus’, she only smiled and gave the phone back to me borkorrrrr and served me food. I couldn’t eat. My expectation was that she was going to first confront me per what she saw.

Up till now, she is still not asking me anything so that I can explain myself la first lying that I was April Fool in advance even though it was 14th October. I can’t sleep o. She should just confront me let me be free er.

This is the true power of a woman but if she had confronted me there and then, I would have been empowered to use takashi to lie to her so that she will rather be the one to start feeling guilty and start apologising! Now I dey fear am sef! There is nothing as dangerous and uncomfortable as offending someone in a way and the person is not confronting you.

If only women know the power they possess er, the guilt that would pile on the heads of men can virtually kill us. Women, confront us o, so that we can lie to you and be free from guilt!

As you enter this week, let me warn you o.‘Oh Bra, you can pour it inside bcos I am in my safe period’. The opposite is also true where the man will say ‘Ablavi, let me pour it inside because as for me I cant jump out of a moving car! Yooo, go ahead! This has been the ‘agreement’ that creates street children o! Go ahead and be ‘pouring and borning’ by ‘heart’ and become irresponsible.

Go ahead and don’t protect yourself against STDs and unwanted pregnancies. You will come and meet me here. Behave yourself and stick to only your wife o, yoo! The ‘things’ dey o, especially HIV!

This is from me to you oo, Aisha poripori@yahoo.com. Aisha only reminds me of the then favorite programme ‘FROM ME TO YOU on Unik Fm. Ei Daavi Fatymah Quayennor and one Dr Jewu Appia. A fantastic programme it was! Aired between 9-11pm Sunday nights on Radio Gana, I never missed my radio set (walkman) at the time.

I nearly got a life partner from that programme. I was single and young so I wrote a letter to the program expressing interest in a lady who was looking for a ‘young, energetic, caring and responsible single man’ to settle down with.

Wow! She replied to my letter and we exchanged contacts. At the time there were no mobile phones with which one could send pictures of how you look like so we were operating ‘in the dark’.

Come to think of it, how did we survive all this while without wassap and other social media platforms? Hmmm! I admire plus-size ladies so I was glad when she said she was plump. I should have asked for other features that go with this description of her. OMG!

We scheduled to meet at Ablantie Spot. I waited for nearly 30 minutes. She was coming from the Tema direction and I lived in Chantan. At each point that she alighted from a car, she would call me and tell me she is coming to give me a gift that cost ‘200’.

I kept calling her too to be sure she was on course en route to the spot. In fact I had been dreaming about her. That feeling that happens to you when you fall in love with someone you are yet to meet and can’t sleep, ehernnnnnn!

Since we didn’t know each other I asked her to call me as soon as she reached the entrance of the spot or else there was no way we could identify each other. Then I saw somebody coming.

OMG! Carrying on her head was a bunch of plantain and in her left hand was a metal chamber pot moving towards the entrance and trying to call me and glowing profusely in sweat under the load. I think she was coming to impress me with gifts. Ei! I could immediately tell she was the one. I just switched off my phone, walked past her and awayyyyyyyyy!

Later, I changed my chip! How manage! I don’t want wahala. This my ‘almost-wife-to-be’ had just come to visit her people in Tema from some remote area and wanting a husband. Me? Plantain? Chamber pot? On head? God forbid!

Come to think of it can you eat fufu with plenty goat meat, fish, snail meat, crabs, shrimps and all the things that make eating feel good in a brand new never-used chamber pot? Don’t think about it, just imagine the purpose of that pot whether used or never used.

It was in a zongo that I learnt how to speak Awusa small small. ‘Degodia’ in Awusa means something else in Ayigbe o; you can ask any Ny3bro friend; me I don’t want problem from anyone! Na joke I dey joke o, yoo!

Have you also noticed that no matter how small and interconnected zongo rooms may be with ‘interesting wiring’, you would never hear of fire outbreak? If you have not lived in a zongo before like me, you would never know how nicely cow meat and goat meat can taste. E bi Zongo fire wey dey burn am, Ala!

On a more serious note, insurance companies that may be shying away from insuring properties in zongos bcos of perceived inappropriate wiring need to reconsider as I have come to realise that fire insurance risk from a resident of Labone may be higher than from a resident living a zongo! I don’t know how they do it but zongos hardly catch fire.

Please if this is your first time reading this, it is simply an abstract with no wisdom in it oo. Empty things nkoaaaa….hahahahaha!

You know, the danger in keeping a strange woman in your company can be dire and could even end you in jail? I never imagined this. That night, in the hotel room, Kosiwa came for her usual ‘prayers’ and that was when she broke the bad news to me. We had agreed to let her sleep over to sort things out. At about 1.38am, she started shivering fafafafafafa! Ei what is this, I panicked.

There was no hospital around for me to take her to. What if the worst happens in this case? She could die from complications o, I imagined. I called someone I knew in the area and he mentioned a clinic nearby.

One of them came to my rescue and when we got to the car to bring Kosiwa out, she walked towards us amazingly happy and laughing. What has changed? Kosiwa said she was okay and didn’t need a doctor again. Ei, wonders.

Kosiwa now narrated her story about having eaten cooked beans with fried eggs very late at 11pm hence her stomach upset and after filling my car with ‘Gana gas’, she was ok now. Hmmm! What a relief!

You see why my coughing cannot stop coughing because anytime I remember this incident I laugh.

So what actually made Kosiwa pregnant was unknown; it was the beans and eggs! If I knew earlier, I would just have arranged a bigger and a more spacious chamber pot for her to do the needful rather than the hell she took me through running from hospital to hospital.

Next time, when you think of having fun with a stranger in a hideout or in the absence of your wife at home, think… ‘what if this person dies in your house or in the hotel room’? Or it is not possible?

#Sin fascinates and assassinates! Bye byeeeeeeeeeee!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu