'I tricked my pastor'

You see a male fowl? (I don’t want to mention its real name so that you start insulting me in your head). When a male cock, ooo, sorry a male chicken wants to have fun with ‘his wife’, he doesn’t just go like that; he finds a very sexy way of opening one wing in a stylish fashion and then approaches the hen like a car that has lost alignment. At this point, the hen wants it o, but she will also be running small small just to prove to the cock that she has to bluff small.

Many husbands fail to do this and some of our wives have a problem with it but can’t say it. Small cuddling is all they want. Many men don’t understand foreplay to make them ready up. Some bcos they are in a hurry to just eyi, they apply saliva to their left fingers, just for entry and then piaaa. They are done; no time to waste! It’s a complete put off for our wives, my wife confided in me! Be careful o, husbands! Yooo!

I was in church on palm Sunday with a brand new Bible. The previous week pastor says no one should rely on phone Bible this weekend because of what happened the previous weekend with the internet. I had not read my hard copy Bible for almost 18 years. He was happy to see me in churp on palm Sunday with a Bible.

Fortunately, the internet worked. I opened the Bible pretending to be reading from me. Unknown to the pastor, I had hidden my phone in the Bible and watching tick-tock and the reels were almost all about bedmatics. God forgive us our sins o! The addiction to this app can be worse than some hard drugs’ I tricked my pastor. He used me as an example of people who come to church with hardcopy Bibles. Next time, he should open his eyes well. I tricked him and he was very happy. Halleeluya? Amen!

Poor bed-matics, over-usage of aphrodisiacs, poor foreplay, weak performance and then piaaa, ‘nunu scent nu ooo scent nu’ were high on the list of the reasons wives wear jeans at bed time o! Ei these our wives call us all kinds of names o, depending on the amount of chop money we give them as well as how much ‘doses’ we give them in bed.

My wife for instance, anytime she receives ‘sori korpra’ (early morning love-making) from me, she will be singing praise songs ‘to God be the glory…great things He has done……’ from morning till evening! At lunch time, she would call me to say ‘Power’ then I will respond ‘Fire’…hahaaaaa! She would then end the call with: “take good care of ‘chief’ o; thank God it’s for only me”. Then I would laugh quietly in my head!

Sori korpra (meaning ‘wake-up-and-go-and-sweep’) is very important for our wives o.

Some of the wives who reacted disclosed to me how money also plays a role in how frequently they would allow us to ‘enter the net’:

o One wife disclosed that when she gets between GHC1,500 and GHC2,000 from her husband as chop money, she addresses him ‘Daddy’ and allows him to ‘eat anything’ at night

o Another says when she gets between GHC700 to GHC1,000, she calls her husband ‘Honey’

o This other one, Connie, says when she gets between GHC400 to GHC600 from her husband, she calls him ‘Darling’ and then hrrrrrrrr;

o See this one o; Mawulawoe; she says when she gets between GHC250 to GHC500, she calls her husband ‘by their first child’s name say ‘Kofi Papa’

o Ama says when she gets between GHC100 to GHC200, she calls her husband ‘Akwasi Fori’

o Akua will get between GHC50 to GHC80 per month and will call her husband ‘Ogyam’

o When Serwa gets between GHC15 to GHC30 from her husband she calls him ‘Accountant’ and denies him at night by not taking her bath before going to bed but this will never put her husband off anyway.

o Korshiwa who gets between GHC5 to GHC10 as chop money from her husband calls him ‘Yakamey’ while

o Dovi after marriage was given seed money to sell gari and beans and so gets only between GHC0 to GHC4 per month. She calls her husband ‘Gbemelan’. Finish!

Categorise yourself and see why some are wearing jeans at night!

It is now that I understand why my neighbour’s wife calls her husband ‘Ohian y3 guy guy’!

That DOVSU law that states that women who deny their husbands sex can be reported to the police and possibly serve a jail term.

As for jail, some wives believe that it would not be good for them but it would also worsen matters for such husbands who allow them to be jailed for 2 years since it won’t solve any problem.

A bold wife stated that: ‘You see, Mawuli, women like sex in marriage more than you, men do. You know why? It makes us age slowly and appear more beautiful and keeps us healthier than men can ever imagine. God deliberately created a ‘period’ in the month where we women can take a break otherwise we are mostly available’.

She believes that it is because some men don’t bath well or don’t bath at all before bedtime account for the reason they deny us sometimes. (I felt personally hit by this bathing one because it was as if she was talking to me directly).

Some men drink akpeteshie and chew garlic in an attempt to suppress the effect of the akpeteshie ‘fuse’ and then bedtime, they want to...

Some of the wives believe that their contemporary career nature gets them tired before coming home hence the jeans they wear but going by the trick: ‘if you don’t use your head, your body would suffer’, they ‘employed’ jeans.

Another asked why there was law indicating that men who cannot perform well should also be reported to the police and that there are a lot of men who cannot even do ten seconds and then piaaa! Some cannot even piaaa at all bcos of ‘6.30’ sometimes due to midlife crisis and old age.

Husbands who smoke were described as even better than those who don’t know how to brush their teeth. Ironically these are the ones who like kissing paaaa. Kai! Women don suffer o! God bless the woman for such ‘stamina’.

One of the ladies confided in me that she was not on talking terms with the husband and confessed how she wanted ‘the thing’ at some point and could perceive her husband also wanted it but bcos of egos, she was praying for the husband to make the first move.

She was the one who told me that contrary to general natural perceptions, many women in contemporary times have stronger egos than their male counterparts. True? She explained that it is the reason men are the first to apologise to their wives whenever their wives offend them! See? I disagreed with her and explained to her that it is bcos we want peace to prevail at home, and this starts from the man hence the reason we do that! No be so? Every man must apologise whether he is wrong or right, or? I know my right doesn’t work here o. do you know what’s happening on your left? Relax!

Some men were also accused of ‘arm-pit powers’ no matter how well they bath especially those with dreadlocks in their armpits! Alla!

They also said they hate it when they see their husbands chatting on phones while in bed and the next thing is to jump on them. The worst part is that when they are chatting they would be smiling!

One narrated her own experience with how she had not been on talking terms with her husband and one day was in the mood and decided to bend down naked in the presence of her husband, and the husband in admiration of the rich ‘meat pie’ behind her was swallowing saliva. Having noticed that, she the wife started reciting Mathew 7:7 and the husband got the message and then haaa! What can come, came!

Can DOVSU make a law to punish men who don’t bath and with ‘6.30’ and men who sneeze and cough by ‘hat’ during the act and follow it up with snoring men? Is there any punishment for men too who travel abroad and leave their wives here unattended sometimes for years? A lady friend got married at age 35 to a man who travelled abroad 8 months after the marriage and returned 12 years later to dissolve the marriage.

Sister Lala with no child at 47 now having to deal with the punishment of being ‘a faithful wife’? You see why some women have become so smart too? But women, please we beg you, we don’t have that heart to stand being ‘smart on’ o; it hurts us, we beg!

Those who sabi the law, our wives want to know that part of the Law that would make wives report their husbands to the police for denying them sex too. Since I started bathing five times in a day, my wife is now very happy. You too, bath and see! Husbands, you seem to be the only ones interested in ‘coming’; can you make your wives also ‘come’…to church first too? A totally ‘useless’ question’ abi? Hahaaaa!