If Jesus were a woman

Some of my friends like ‘torching’ everything they see in skirt! If you don’t listen to your instincts at all, is it when you see a nice healthy-looking lady walking to a hospital? Go ahead and take her number and chat later. You go ahead; all things being equal, medical bills are waiting for you; if not for relatives, for herself. Don’t mind me o’; I am talking from experience o, hahahahahahaaa! It’s pay day and the mood in town is that of joy, patience and love and the fact that next week Wednesday is Ramadan holiday! Hurrayyyyyy!

I guess it is only after taking in alcohol that every message you send via whatsapp appears to have been blue-ticked (that is double-correct meaning the message has been read by the recipient even though the message might not have been delivered). I heard when the ticks are 3 then it means an intelligence unit somewhere in the world is monitoring your interactions / chats. If that is true, then every boozeman would suspect they are being monitored by someone bcos any message that is actually read would tick four times before a boozemans eyes. Ala!

Some time ago, the Police had to deal with a serious case somewhere in West Africa when a man phoned them (the police) to report theft of his car dashboard together with his steering wheel. The theft occurred at a popular drinking spot. When the police got there and called his phone, he confidently picked it and directed them to where he had actually parked and that he was in the car waiting for them to come and see what thieves had done to his dashboard. They had even stolen the steering wheel and pedals away. They got in there only to see paddy man heavily drunk and sitting at the back seat of his car pointing to the back of the driver’s seat: ‘see, they have stolen my dashboard and everything including my steering wheel’. Trust the police anywhere in West Africa. They ‘took good care of him’ well well and the alcohol in his eyes vanished! Next time!

Akpeteshie and its associates especially in excess er! Hmmm! At the end of the day too, chances are that it can give liver problems. Keep drinking and spending the little money on treatment and eventually give up the ghost and let your children suffer and your wife taken over by another ‘useless’ man! And you want to be abusing alcohol by ‘hat’! Go on!

The late Mr Atiso attended Church more than anyone in the community but when it comes to alcohol, don’t go there. I met him on the eve of Easter this year and he was preaching and kept referring to the expression ‘She died for our sins’ and I was wondering if Jesus had suddenly become a woman. He was in his state of drunkenness and still preaching. Later, on Holy Saturday, he was clear of ‘the thing’ and this time he kept saying ‘He died for our sins’ and I now asked him: ‘but Efo Atiso, just last Thursday you said ‘She died for our sins’ and today the gender has changed?”. He retorted: ‘is that what I said? If so then, I was with an internal ‘lawyer’ dictating to me what I should say, so for that one ignore it!’. He died on Easter Monday and cause of death linked to apio liver.

Congratulations o, Madam Shallot Osei on your new appointment. I felt proud as a Ghanaian when people could not hide their admiration of your personality with some describing you as the ‘toughest woman alive’. Herh! Don’t worry, it’s like that! You have no idea what your successor is also going through; maybe you are aware. Yea! My personal inspiration and lessons picked from your personality is the fact that in spite of ‘everything’, you mostly remained calm and spoke very little in reaction. Jesus went through similar challenges; that is not to say you are Jesus o, Madam. Hahahaaaa! Trust some Ghanaians for their humour best. I couldn’t help laughing when I saw this funny image on social media that read: ‘Mrs Shallot Osei appointed UN International Elections Commissioner and the reaction was one that which seemed to be that of a ‘caution’ to her and it goes like this: ‘Nice one, don’t go and change ‘their’ logo oo’….I laugh aaaa enter lagoon! Herh! Ghanaians and humour! Hmmm!

That brings to mind my question: IF JESUS WAS A WOMAN, would we have been revering Him in such high esteem the way we are doing now? Would we at the point of near accident scream ‘Jesus’! and jump out of bed following a nightmare and scream ‘Jesus’? When last did we sleep and dreamt about former First Ladies Mrs Theresa K4 and Mrs Nardu Mills and to find out how they are doing?

Ghana sweet roff. We (including me) will intimidate you aaaaaa and revere or laugh at you depending on how you react to our intimidations over time. Human beings? Don’t mind us la!

Anyone who says women should not go to battle has probably not read about Yaa Asantewaa or is not seeing the direction the world is moving towards regarding the roles of women in leadership positions.

Just two days ago, the South African President has reconstituted his Cabinet with 50% of the Cabinet Ministers being women! Hurray! Well done o, H.E Ogah President Cyril Ramaphosa. I was happy for the women bcos my mum is a woman, my wife is a woman and my children will grow into women and become Cabinet Ministers some day! Those other unofficial women (gers) in my life, I am happy for you too but please I don’t know what you would become o, hahahahaaa!

But again if ‘they’ think that SA athlete, Semaya has too much male hormones making her to run as fast as Hussein Boat, they should just let her come and play for the Black Stars er and stop worrying the young lady la! After all, isn’t the Black Stars Team described as the ‘Senior National Team’ and not the Senior National Male Team or? Is there any gender restriction? Ah!

Ei my sister from another mother, Mrs Sarah Baptista Gebu, wosop with your deferred birthday bash? You are annoyed bcos May 25th holiday is no longer your holiday birthday er? Are you Africa? Bcos of that you refused to organize a party. Today is Friday May 31st and still no sign of any invite. Abeg, tell my in-law, Mr Philip the Gebu that if it is the two tots of sodabi that he doesn’t want me to come and drink to damage my liver, he should forgerrit!

It just reminds of Bra Jack and how he recklessly wiped out his family. We were living in the same compound house. He was a taxi driver sacrificing to send his two children to one of the top schools in Accra. Jack’s only problem was that he liked the ‘thing’ too much even though we all like it. He played games ‘barefooted’ and was later diagnosed having contracted HIV /AIDS which was already at an advanced stage. He never suspected it even though he was falling sick small small and resorted to temporary relief medication and, he refused to do the test.

Then he died leaving the poor wife whose health had also started deteriorating. Continuous payment of the children’s school fees became a big issue and no external family member was interested in the welfare of the children. Their first child had already turned 19 and needed to survive so she could take care of the ailing mum and kid brother who had stopped schooling anyway. She got pregnant along the way and attempted an evacuation and died in the process. Out of shock, their mum joined her and Jack at Awudome two months later. Junior, the other child left took to drinking and defrauding people in order to survive. He is currently at Nsawam working for ‘free’ and not on CAGD payroll!

One reckless mistake of a father, see how the promising future of a great family has been curtailed. AIDS is real! By protecting yourself, you are protecting your family and generations to come!

No reasonable and responsible woman who fears God would go and bring HIV / AIDS home. Men koraa, what is wrong with us han? Or they should just put a FOR SALE sign on us?