'In the bag of a woman'

Shay shay shay shame!!! I am sure your mind made you read ‘what is in the back of a woman’’. I dey lie, Suley? As for us, men di3333….oooo debida! All we want to hear about a woman is back and front. The rest will take care of themselves. I don’t know what at all we want from those ‘geographical locations’. Weytin dey there?

There is this African proverb that says: “A cat that dreams of becoming a tiger must begin with losing appetite for rats”. Let us allow them to grow into tigers and probably leopards! I know you and your love for the delicacy. So please don’t kill such a cat for pepper soup, Yaovi Eklu. While the meat of the male cat remains ‘Joseph’ and that of the female cat is christened ‘Josephine’, a lot of people have turned themselves into cat meat eaters.

Cats are getting extinct in my neighbourhood just because of that. Please in case you are called ‘Josephine’, I am not referring to you. It probably may just be a coincidence but not directed at any particular meat! Na play we dey play o, yoo! One may be wondering why I keep talking about wild cats in recent write-ups. It is nothing o; it’s all because of the last dream I had where I was chasing a lion. That lion was lucky paaaa.

‘It is only an id*ot like me who quotes a proverb and still go ahead to explain it. I don’t mind explaining the opening paragraph of this non-fa since I am an id*ot. Hahaaaaa!

What the opening paragraph means is that if you must live a healthy lifestyle, desist from alcohol and excessive meat intake. Similarly, if you have political ambitions, behave yourself well on social media especially. Someday, put yourself out there as a political aspirant.

That is when you would get to know whether when your great great great grandfather died 500 years ago, he was buried in a tomb or he got lost. People will bring the facts including the wrong facts out. Beware of your ways especially if you have political ambitions.

One of the most difficult things to do by any man no matter what is when he is seated next to a lady in trotro. He seems to like her. The difficult part is to ask for her number. Usually our fears are: “What if she says NO?”. It happened to me last Sunday, Mothers’ Day. I joined the trotro from Achimota towards Weija.

Just around Sues Inn which we have corrupted as Suzie’s Inn, I mustered courage though with some difficulty and asked: “Hi, I hope you are going to Weija too; can I please have your number?” her immediate response was a counter request: “for what?”.

Hehehe! At this point I started sweating and prayed for the trotro to run as fast as it can so I get down quickly at my destination with my shame. The discomfort became more intense when someone seated behind me was laughing soon after. Up till now, I don’t know who he was laughing at but my gut feelings tell me he could be laughing at me oo.

As soon as we got to Lapaz, I alighted though my final destination was going to be Weija SCC. While getting down, I saw her looking at me with some scorn though I didn’t have the courage to look her in the face again; I used a bird’s eye view. Next time!

I’ve learnt to mind my own business so this morning while on my way to town, I sat next to one who was even prettier than the one who snubbed me last Sunday. I kept quiet throughout the journey; I don’t want another embarrassment. On another occasion, I planned to get a girl from a commercial vehicle.

So I took in some two tots to give me that artificial courage. Some people call it: ‘hiring the services of a lawyer’. Lo and behold I joined a taxi from Weija SCC towards Madina. I was the first passenger and knowing my intentions I decided to sit at the back with the hope that the next passenger would come and sit by me and she would be a nice lady. I was a bit tipsy. To the glory of God, a lady of my heart’s desire opened the back seat door and upon noticing that the front seat was empty, she went to sit in front.

Hmmm! I waited patiently for another to come and sit next to me in the back seat. Hmmmm! God says our ways are not His ways! Then came an old lady about my mother’s age carrying loads of koobi in a basket! Matter close! Sice then, I have learnt to drive my own car. Even with that, I will find a nice lady standing by the road and would want to offer her lift and her next reaction is: ‘I am not going your direction, thank you’.

I had always maintained that in our formative school going years, when there are ten ‘True’ or ‘False’ questions and you have no idea what is ‘True’ and what is ‘False’, all you need is to smartly tick all ten as ‘True’ or all ten as ‘False’. At least you will get five correct. I didn’t know until about two decades ago when I went to write some professional exams.

The total number of questions was 70. Guess what. They were all ‘True’ or ‘False’ questions. I was excited when I saw the first question until I read that after ticking whether the statement is ‘True or False’, you are required to explain why it is so in order to earn the full marks.

That was when I could tick an answer as ‘False’… yet all the explanation seems to be ‘True’. That was the first time I got to know that Kasoa is not part of the Greater Accra Region. It was one of the questions.

It is weekend again and EGC operators in my area have become my best friends. I am so used to their power outages nowadays that anytime I get home from work and there is light, I get angry. In my mind, there is light and on my bed and in my mind, the air-condition is on. Last Saturday, the wind blew small norrr….fuin!

Light off! And in my head, they naaa were looking for the opportunity to switch the thing off already and the rains made it easier to execute what they know how to do best! These days and in my neighbourhood at Kasoa, one can no longer pass gas with a sound. This is not because we are in the season of ban on drumming and noise making in Accra but because EGC may see it as a storm preceding the rains and then fuin! It is well.

The interesting thing about it is that when the lights are on, there will be fresh air. As soon as it goes off, the air also stops giving you a night to remember! We pray it gets better. Amen!

Is it true that car drivers who are very good on the road fear riding motor bikes? Is it also true that eyi smokers fear to drink akpeteshie? Is it true that those who don’t like smoking anything at all including fish don’t like drinking? What I know is that those who don’t do any of the above are not angels but also like the ‘this thing’ of Ablavi and co? If all of these are true, then I don’t exist because I don’t like any of them. Me? I say I swear la! I don’t like anything! Thank God for the days of Ananias and Saphira are gone or else by the time I finish making this unnecessary declaration...piam gone too soon.

Thank God for Jesus. We deliberately sin and pray and we are forgiven our sins.

So you were actually waiting to read ‘what is in the bag of a woman?’ Ei! Awots3! There is nothing in the bag apart from money and tissue! The last time I stealthily entered my wife’s handbag, all I saw was half boflot wrapped in a handkerchief! Matter close!

Enjoy your weekend and remember this: “As bad as you want to address a problem, sometimes it is best to let God defend you. He saw it too!