Kwame Gyan’s note to our 'bronya borgas' – Coronavirus edition

Kwame Gyannew Kwame Gyan, Author

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 Source: Kwame Gyan

Borgas, we know you've never wished to be in Ghana like you do in this crazy 2020. The 2020 that brought all our lives to a virtual halt with its many documented wahala. So we know you wish you were in Ghana paaa. If for nothing at all, we know this for a number of reasons.

a) There is plenty of Vitamin D from our sun here - you know you need more of that to fight Covid-19 abi? Sadly for you, that your winter is in with the rage of a hungry lion and COVD-19 is smiling devilishly in the corner.

b) You people in London especially can't even party in your own homes or in your pubs - come and see here, we dey tear portray everywhere with or without masks. To make your matters worse, you have done saaaaa ama a new variant of the virus is emerging on top.

c) Come and see, our Covid-19 centres here are empty. And our numbers are just low with some unfortunate deaths but these can still not be compared to your wahala. Someway chale. We are sorry. Honest.

d) You know say you get more paddies for here than uptee? Jamming with them is always the ish. You know this! We know this! But don’t worry, stay glued to our IG, Snap, FB and Twitter handles. We will send you live feed so you see us enjoy feelifeeli.

e) Our pubs and night clubs do not close by force at 2pm like you people do in Yankee. You know how we skillfully navigate and beautify the art of Club-Hopping, you know that thing where people jump from club A to B to C all in the course of one night pe. Or don’t worry about what Nana Addo said about bars remaining closed. They are not. The bouncers just make sure you wear your mask before you enter. Once you enter, awayyyyyyyy with the mask.

f) Tell us, who and where else would you rather do your plenty, needless show-offs to except for the people you've known since childhood that you've rivaled with on a 1000 and one issues, winning some and losing some! It is our time to twaa you flex.

So you see, borgas, you wish you were here paaaa and we know it, you know it, the whole world knows it. Forgive me, I forgot to welcome you. Please akwaaba. Eha dieer bokooo oooo. Mo na monam. We are fine paaaaa despite everything.

Now, let's settle in for the usual end of year guide to you, our dear borgas, as you either relish your coming here but can't make it, and for those who are blessed and lucky enough to be here, shall we?

1. Yo, if you are not sure you are absolutely Covid-19 free, don't even book a flight. Fact that we are not getting sick plenty doesn't mean you people should bring your Covid-19 here again. Yen pe asem biaaa.

2. Don’t come and brag to us if you get vaccinated. We will ge ours somewhere in the first quarter of 2021. You people need it the most so take it. Besides, we want to see if the vaccines are ok so we have decided to allow you to take the first jabs and we will join you later. Yedase.

3. Please don't start with the lame surprise that we have colourful face/nose masks here. What, did you forget the beauty of our kente and African prints? Yes, we have them, and we use them paaaa.

4. So you know there is almost always a new, 'papping' joint in Accra, right? Well, the one reigning now is called Garage. The usual suspects like Bloom Bar are also there paaaaa. In fact, take your time and compile all the joints before settling on any. You indeed will be spoilt for choice paaaaa!

5. Before I forget, people, find your level when it comes to chilling wai? You must know by now that there are places my beloved Club Beer goes for 10 cedis. Same beer also goes for 25 cedis elsewhere. So look at your pocket and know where to go. Don’t come and use your borga accent and go to places you and I know is above you. Abi you dey bab?

6. Errrr....so we voted on December 7. Peaceful as always except for some sad fatalities which happily does not include a man who was shot to death after he attempted bolting with a ballot box. Yes, please this happened in this 2020 and not a tale from the 1992 elections.

7. Our Electoral Commissioner, the beautiful, no-nonsense, bone-straight-hair-wearing, absolutely smart, Jean Mensa has told the whole world that even though Ghanaians’ love for Nana Addo still tops, they are not happy with aspects of his rule so they punished him by reducing his vote margins, sacking members of parliament from office and producing Ghana’s first ‘hung parliament’ come 2021. But JM and his NDC people are not happy. They aah they won’t go to court, they too they say the elections were rigged though they have no proof. To cut a long story short, they may be burning tires on a street near you so washout (sorry AY Poyoo). I meant watch out. Oh but is safe as usual. Even the tire burners will pause to chill.

8. Please don’t come and do paahn paahn about our elections, especially those of you from America. We know how your election went, and we know how your President is acting like a pampered child fighting for the toy of a friend because he feels that friend does not deserve that toy. So stop thinking about it already.

9. Please get prepared for our crazy traffic. This year’s own dieeer it is not easy. Expect surges in your Uber or Bolt fares paaaa. Don’t be surprised to spend 3 hours on a route that usually would have been 15 minutes. As someone said, the sea and trees and air have all become human beings and they are all over the town also picking rides.

10. Be on the lookout for our social media celebrities. You can even take photos with them like you will do with any of the Hollywood stars you know. They are plenty paaaa and you will know them when you see them. Look out for big bortos, maybe big breasts, short and tight dresses, but most importantly, you will see them always taking photos and videos and some even have personal cameramen who will collect their phones and take photos or record them.

11. Oh follow our bloggers, but be careful some of them don’t destroy your eyesight and mind with very bad English, ‘by heart’ stories and headlines that read like complete paragraphs. And oh, yea just like some of your bloggers, they can report on anything and everything too, including ‘off things that will have you open your mouth saying ‘huh!’.

12. We keep telling you be careful not to come here and blow all your savings. In Ghana here, money runs faster than Usain Bolt. Once you spend 1 cedi out of whatever you have, be sure that the rest will finish before you know it.

13. About money, we have new 200 and 100 cedis notes. These two look very much like the 1 and 5 cedi notes. Be careful not to give someone a 100 cedi note thinking it is 5 cedis, or 200 cedis thinking it is 1 cedi. Some has done me before (class one English alert).

14. Oh Ghana Police will not go on leave or break like the Electoral Commission has. Some of them will beg, others will sniff around hoping to smell weed. If they find a little drop of marijuana on you, be ready to dash them 1000 to 2000 cedis or risk spending the night in a cell. Court dieeer they won’t take you moom. They don’t get anything from doing that. All the want is your money. They too must chop Christmas.

15. The Ghana music scene has become nice paaa though our Nigerian brothers are overshadowing us as always – well, they are overshadowing all of Africa is we no bore plenty. The new kids on the block are doing well paaaa and some of the ‘underground’ acts are also pushing. Enjoy some while you can – Kidi, King Promise, Kuami Eugene, AY Poyoo and things. The old guards are also still going strong. Small small we will catch up with Nigeria and beat them like we beat them in football.

16. We have talked about that your accent saaaaa so we won’t even go there. Except to say that, if you start, we will match you pepeepe and you naaa it will shock you. We don’t watch movies kwa. We have learned paaaa. You can be assured that LAFA will win.

17. Please bear in mind that here we like to spote paaaa. You know this! We don’t have money does not mean we will not spote. It does not matter where we are going, we will dress. So bear that in mind. If you come here wearing your winter things here too we will see and laugh at you.

18. If you missed the memo, we have made December Ghana’s Wedding Month. People are marrying left, right and centre. Some are marrying because they feel they have found love. Others too are marrying because they must prove to some people that they too can marry. Others also just want to wear rings and be able to speak with their left hands in your faces. So attend some before you go wai. You may even meet some nice girl or boy there to see your how far.

19. We are mourning too chale. Sadly, we have lost one of the most loved and hated Ghanaians of all time. J.J. Rawlings sadly left us this year. Chale, it pained me. I won't lie you. I figured out JJ will be one of those folks who will age to 100 and something and will be involved somehow in our lives and die in his sleep during some calm rainfall. Sadly, he left us painfully and we are still mourning so, let's mourn together.

So, there you have it. If I think of anything else I feel you must know, I will just add it here for you. Have a merry, Covid-19-free Christmas and a good and better 2021.

Columnist: Kwame Gyan