Letter From The President: The Ultimatum

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 Source: J. A. Fukuor/Daily Dispatch

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, a certain man has issued an ultimatum for me to resign by the middle of next month?. or else? Well, he didn?t say.

This man always struck me as a joker. He almost tried to contest for the Black Star stool as an independent candidate until allegations started floating that he had been involved in visa-racketeering and the illegitimate browsing of websites which did not belong to him. As a result, he couldn?t even muster the courage to file his nomination papers ? which made Ward Brew seem more serious than he was. At least, Ward Brew tried to file his nomination. If only he had gotten to the ?18? a little earlier than he did.

Since I won a second mandate to be the Excellent One for the next four years, I had been wondering about the whereabouts of this man, who announced his candidature to contest the elections when he didn?t even know about the constitutional provisions on who was eligible to stand for the presidency. This man I am talking about also promised to ensure that each household in Sikaman is supplied with a high-speed, internet ready computer in four years ? even to areas without electricity supply. He vowed to start an IT revolution in Sikaman and ensure that farmers in Kumbungu are able to sell their yams to consumers in Elubo without having to leave their farms. Most importantly (but quite ignorantly), he promised to chase out all the mosquitoes in Sikaman without the use of insecticide. I was tempted at a certain point to appoint him minister for mosquito eradication. But he kept making silly remarks, which made me conclude that he had just come to scene to provide essential comical relief. His recent ultimatum for me to resign has given me a different impression altogether and worsened my perception of him. I think the young man needs help. You know who I am talking about, don?t you? Well, he?s R. Atoko ? the wannabe president who has never read the basic law of the land and doesn?t even know his hometown. I think there is something wrong with the man and if no one intervenes, he will end up like Dan Tarley. He?s already showing signs that his tongue has become loose as his brains grow weaker. Can you imagine the sort of things Atoko will do and say when he reaches Dan Tarley?s age? He could be worse than Dan Tarley ? schizophrenic, talkative, quick tempered and ill-mannered.

The first time I wrote about Atoko, I remember saying that he had little streaks of intelligence in his utterances ? even though I knew he was joking. At the time, I advised him that instead of aiming for my glorious Black Star Stool, he should first try and become an assemblyman or neighbourhood watch committee member. But as things appear now, I don?t think he?s even qualified sweep the streets of Accra. I wonder what happened to him. He seems to have lost the little intelligence he had and now, I am convinced that there is some short-circuiting in his brains.

I believe he has been drinking too much ?ker ba shaw? and ?alomo?. As a result he?s losing touch with reality. I heard him ranting and raving, demanding my resignation some days ago, and I got the impression that the man didn?t have a clue about the implications of what he was talking about and nonsense he was spewing out. If this has nothing to do with ?ker bas haw?, I suppose it will have something to do with his illegal browsing of other men?s ?websites? and his alleged involvement in visa racketeering. Perhaps, he?s been taken to ?antoa nyama? by one of those who claimed to have given him large sums of money after he promised to secure them visas to the Bushman?s country. Whatever the case maybe, I will advise Atoko to seek psychiatric and/or spiritual help. Otherwise he might end up like? I will entreat our pastors to take a break from fleecing their congregations and pray to God to intervene and stop Atoko from going nuts. I will try to convince Dr. Asare to come out of retirement and take on Atoko as a special case. If Atoko doesn?t consider psychiatric and/or spiritual help as an option, I will kindly warn him that for his own sake, he should stop talking by heart, issuing veiled threats and demanding my resignation.

I don?t like it when people threaten to cut short kick my butt off this glorious Black Star Stool just as I don?t like ex-military officers who keep rusty pistols. I don?t like people who talk about coups. I don?t like people who issue ultimatums without an ?or else?? People like that are often considered enemies of the state. Atoko simply said that if I don?t resign, Sikaman will not know any peace. Is he raising a rebel army to cause civil unrest or he?s just joking or behaving mad? If Atoko cherishes his peace of mind, he?d better advice himself. It will serve his interest quite well, if he withdrew his ultimatum and issued an unqualified apology to me and the citizens of Sikaman. Otherwise, he will wake up one morning or return home (from wherever one evening) to see his house surrounded by a battalion of heavily armed, ?macho? soldiers.

Atoko, I must say is one of the most annoying returnees I know. He?s even worse than Kofi Yawo. At least, Yawo is still providing comic relief. Yawo still makes sense sometimes, even though he?s still uncouth, ill-mannered and has no dress sense whatsoever. Atoko should either shape up or ship out to wherever he came from. Or else?


J. A. Fukuor

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Columnist: J. A. Fukuor/Daily Dispatch