Marital Boredom, Philandering Husbands and Polygamy

There is a gentleman in this forum who has fiercely advocated for polygamy in this 21st century; he contends that it will curtail male infidelity. I deemed his assertions as an orgy of childish male fantasies and intended to rebut his claims, but I could never muster the calm temperament required to do so. So I thought it best to respond to him via an article, where I can calmly articulate myself sans emotions. Sadly, my tendency to procrastinate got the best of me – until now!

The cure to my procrastination came in the form of a female in my social circle who, while visiting me, intimated that polygamy might resolve her marital problems. Huh? I cannot overemphasize that the female in question, Akyaa, is not some obese, illiterate yahoo; she is an educated, attractive lady in her 30s. After only three years of matrimonial life, Akyaa gripes that though she loves her husband she is gripped by mind-numbing boredom. As such, she at times dreads her husband returning home from work. Also, the fact that the man has never strayed notwithstanding Akyaa worries that he eventually will.

Infidelity is not unique to men; however, empirical data show that males have a higher propensity to cheat than women do – not that we need science to tell us this glaring fact! I will not digress into my personal views on why men cheat. For my quest today pertains to whether, in a 21st-century monogamous society, polygamy is a pragmatic solution to male infidelity. And whether a polygamous relationship is the antidote to the boredom that is a result of the monotony of being with one person for a lengthy period.

Akyaa ponders that, perhaps, two human beings were not meant to reside in the same abode for a prolonged period. Namely, monogamy is counterintuitive! Akyaa’s contention is that if her husband were to spend time away from home – with a second wife – it would truncate the exorbitant amount of time the former spends with him. Conventional wisdom dictating that absence makes the heart grow fonder, Akyaa would then feel excitement at the sight of her man upon his return. In addition, if her husband were to cavort with other women, she preferred it to be with a lady of her choosing as opposed to random females.

After stating her case, Akyaa asked: “So, what do you think?” Worried, I replied: “Akyaa, have you, by any chance, been ingesting or sniffing narcotic drugs lately?” Akyaa giggled and answered in the negative. I continued: “Is your man physically or emotionally abusing you? Is that what is driving down your self-esteem?” The smirk on Akyaa’s face vanished and she lamented: “This is why I sometimes hate confiding in you – you can be so judgmental.” “I am not judging but merely asking questions out of concern,” I replied. We sat and awaited the awkward silence, which suddenly loomed, to resolve on its own volition.

Minutes went by and it became apparent that Akyaa would not speak again unless she was coaxed. “Is a polygamous marriage what would make you happy?” I asked cajolingly. Akyaa did not answer, so I continued: “In pursuit of my own happiness I have resorted to unconventional methods so, trust me, I will never pass judgment on anyone. But I am curious as to why a man who claims to love you would agree to this.” Akyaa finally spoke, stating defiantly: “He knows nothing about it; I have not told him yet.”

With proverbial eggs on my face, I paused for some time. Choosing my words carefully, I queried, “Are you not concerned that he might feel you no longer love him, hence your attempt to push him into the arms of another woman?” Akyaa replied: “What man would object to having another lady at the behest of his woman?” I did not answer the query but rather advised: “Akyaa, boredom is inevitable in a relationship that is why we must never cease to explore new ways to maintain excitement. Solutions abound but polygamy, in my view, is not one of them.”

Akyaa’s demeanor indicated that she was miffed again, so I stopped “preaching” and instead asked more questions: “Do you think you will find someone to fill the position?” “There are plenty of home wreckers who would gladly accept being legal concubines,” Akyaa theorized. “Legal what? Are you not aware that polygamy is outlawed in the U.S.A.?” I retorted. “I do not mean legal in the true sense – but that the concubine would be provided financial support and a decent abode,” Akyaa shot back. “Akyaa, no woman in this country will agree to this madness,” I further added. “I am well aware, that is why I will go to Ghana to get him a woman,” Akyaa declared.

After Akyaa unveiled her grand scheme, it was I who no longer wished to continue the discussion. Besides my odium, I mainly kept mute lest I further offended Akyaa. But, moments later, I no longer had regard for diplomacy and so vocalized my thoughts some more. “Your issue is not boredom but rather the lack of love for your man. If you loved him still, the very idea of him with someone else would be torturous for you. Therefore, you would never invite another lady into your marriage. What you are proposing is abnormal – it is obvious that you have developed some sort of mental defect hence your bizarre behavior,” I snapped.

Surprisingly, Akyaa was not enraged as I had anticipated. “Did you not say that you sometimes resort to unconventional means to achieve your happiness? Who is to say that what you do to maintain “excitement” is abnormal?” Akyaa countered. “I might engage in activities that society deems unorthodox, but I will never do anything nearly as repulsive as what you are suggesting,” I defended. “I do not expect you to view your proclivities as revolting – you are engrossed in them so, naturally, you will defend and justify them. Tell me the atypical methods you have resorted to and let me be the judge!” Akyaa demanded.

Not wanting to fulfill Akyaa’s request, I diverted the direction of the conversation. “Is this why you are visiting Ghana next year, to search for a second wife?” I asked. “If you won’t reveal the intimate details of your relationship, then don’t expect me to disclose any more of mine,” Akyaa emphasized, and the conversation soon ended.

Akyaa eventually left without divulging if the purpose of her upcoming trip to the Motherland was to scour for another lady for her husband. I sat on my sofa and marveled at what the world was coming to – the ills of polygamy inundated my cerebrum and left me perplexed.

Sure, in Agrarian societies of yore, polygamy had its advantages. But what would be the gains of such a marriage in this era? Now, some might appear under this thread and assert that we should consider and accept polygamy, for women are in excess and there aren’t enough men. Let me preemptively quash their propaganda right there! In actuality, the male population in the world exceeds that of the female population. It is only in the age bracket of sixty-five and older that the ratio reverses.

But back to Akyaa. What if her man falls helplessly in love with the new wife? There is a chance that the novelty of the latter may not ebb. Cognizant of his new options, Akyaa’s man would have no incentive to compromise with her on issues, which will render Akyaa utterly powerless in her own marriage! A man in a polygamous union – or a philanderer in a monogamous one – can never love all the women on the same intimate level. It is not possible! That being the case, the novice wife would emerge the “favorite wife,” thus wielding more influence over the man and greater control over his finances and properties.

The above impending problems aside, how would Akyaa explain her lifestyle to her family? Or has she deluded herself into believing that she could keep it a secret, I wonder? As an enlightened lady of this era, would you contemplate an open marriage or a polygamous union to aid the humdrum of being with your man for “eternity?” Additionally, would you resign to your “fate” and grant your man permission since males are likely to cheat? I do not want to be presumptuous as to what a man’s response would be if he were to find himself with the likes of Akyaa. So, to my Black Kings out there, HONESTLY, if Akyaa were your woman, what would be your response/reaction to the “cure” she is prescribing?

Lola, Washington, DC