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Mrs Goat and her husband

Mawuli Zogbenu   Opinion.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Fri, 22 Nov 2019 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Miss Elsie Maame Esi Nketiaba Forson, a Level 300 student of the Methodist University, your mother Ms Doreen Dodoo of the La Bethel Primary / Junior High School (I don’t even know if she is a student there) says I should wish you a happy birthday o or else, trouble for me. I bought some vegetable oil from her on credit and she keeps appearing in my dream with a cane just I am owing her. Ei, Madam ‘Relocator’! Hahaaaa!

Elsie, enjoy oo and Mummy says she loves you wai. If I am the one to say that to you now, Mummy will stop me from coming to fetch water in your house again. Hahaaaaa!

Today is Fridayyyyy and somebody is holding my throat in an attempt to strangle me oo, yeeei. My offence is that I just peeped through his soup at a chopbar at Adabraka and screamed ‘H333333r!’ I wasn’t referring to him too oo. All I saw in his soup was the head of a cow with bandana and screamed at myself for failing to afford this ever in my life. The man took offence. Please come to my rescue oo, Sammy and Pearl. The man had a feeling I expressed surprise at the quantum of his huge lunch bcos of the big chunk of goat meat wearing singlet in the soup relaxing ‘chekuuuuu’.

I have stopped ‘thanking God it’s Friday’ oo. You know why? The weekends are too busy with funerals and weddings and at a cost. Nowadays, I rather thank God it’s Mondayyyyy bcos that one I would be at work so I can easily give an excuse for not attending your wedding or funeral of your great grandfather. But for weekends, I have no excuse and before you finish blinking an eye, it’s Monday again. Ha!

Have you ever seen the fowl passing gas? I eman etuabo gas? You would not hear anything o. The only thing you would see it do is to run after itself kwakwakwa…in an apparent running away from the stench of the gas. Men especially do that when they go to the washroom WC. Sometimes depending on the texture of the contents they have downloaded, some of the distin stick to the back of the WC. When they go back, I mean when we go back to urinate without sitting on the bowl, we direct the urine to that thing that is stuck to the back of the WC. Then we urinate hard for the urine to be able to wash and clean the ‘human glue’ left behind earlier. You no do some before? Haaba! Then you no be man. Have you ever seen the urinal closet in female washrooms? I recently saw some in a female washroom and wonder how they use it. Hahaaaaaaa! It was designed the same way as it is for men o. Hmmmm!

I greet you oo, the Company that fixed that thing in the female ‘ward’ of your company. I prefer using female washrooms because they are usually neater. Male washrooms? Kai! They are even ‘nicer’ when TEWU people go on strike. Don’t let me remind myself of some TEWU strike be like that in 1999 circa. It is then you would see the importance of everyone. Every professional’s work matters!

I recently used the goat analysis to explain the work of the FDDA. The person didn’t understand why the FDDA must vet everything before it is let out on the market for consumption. I explained to him why the goat has to do its research and environmental impact analysis before sleeping with its own wife (who is naturally available to any other male goat anyway).

When a goat wants to eyi with the ‘wife’, it makes that very interesting sound: pub3b3 pub3 and then smells the place to be sure ‘it’s in order’ in terms of hygiene and then raises its nose in a certain fashion exposing the inner part of its upper lip for approval. The goat is not self-centred so it does that as a sign to other he goats that, ‘hey guys, the place go biii’! Just observe, there are times male goats do that and don’t go in at all – a sign of disapproval meaning there must be a certain problem there for ‘consumption’ and that the place is unwholesome. In such a case, it would not flip its nose at all. They test for approval and or disapproval to consume or not!

Indeed the she-goat would hardly resist and will just watch her ‘man’ do the needful even though she would bluff small and then she goes back looking for green grass to chew.

Some of our wives are like that. The only difference is that the she-goat will never ask the he-goat for mobile money. If you are a human male and you want to try it on a female human of DOVVSU age, be prepared to pay registration fee even before allowed to send your nose there to check for hygiene and acceptable standards! You hear?

These are the only areas the FDDA does not need your approval before you pay, smell and enter the net!

Not too long ago, a certain lady was in the news for parading sexually ‘enjoymental’ stuff good for ladies to use on men. The rush for such stuff was unbelievable. I thanked God for the FDDAs swift intervention. Hmmmm! Some of our girls are ready to do anything. Some of our boys too, same; they want ‘bigger things’ and as to what for, me I don’t know oo. Surprisingly some of them are still not working and would like to earn before they learn yet want big things for useless escapades! You can’t force someone to love you no matter how sweet your distin may be o. I don’t know why we have become so vulnerable to some of these things.

Ei, I saw on social media somewhere this week that the best way to encourage people to patronize locally produced rice is to tell them it improves one’s sexual proficiency and this country would top the world chart in terms of local rice production and consumption.

It can be so annoying these days when you tune in to a local language radio station at news time. The first 5 to 8 minutes is used to advertise sexually often ‘deceptive’ concoctions and bitters.

I told you before that the day I used a certain bitters to ‘stand up’, I ended up ‘bowing down’ shamefully though I had to pay for the services I didn’t enjoy.

Priapism, it is alleged is on the increase especially among the youth. You can visit some of the senior hospitals and see things for yourself. You’d be amazed!

The next thing I will like the FDDA to work on are those medications for growing beard and hair. I bought one recently with the view to be scaring my wife small small…the effects? Chai!

Is it true that the only persons some women would listen to carefully and obey sincerely, doing exactly as they say are photographers? That is the reason many photographers have some of the most beautiful wives o but some of them got it wrong bcos after marriage even when the cameras were on those they married and they ask them to change positions, they would fight first! You can’t run away from a woman o…including my wife! Hahahaaaa!

Happy Friday Chairman Paul Ampadu Yeboah. I just dey like this man’s philosophy: ‘no matter how a fowl whose head has been cut off struggles in fighting back, it will eventually give up the ghost’. Don’t think about it; just do your work! If you know, you know la! Hahaaaa!

Uncle Ganyaglo is 56 years old and I don’t know how to describe that one. Maybe advanced life crisis. I just love uncle Ganyaglo to the max. He is the only one who will tell you in advance what his real unpleasant intentions are. Just bcos of my brother and his wife’s funeral contributions recently, I called him and out of frustration, he flared up. He threatened to cut the call on me bcos I kept talking too much. He went like ‘I will cut the call o, I will cut it oo’ and then he cuts the call on me and says: ‘yes, I have cut it’ and then he hangs up!

So on this note, I will cut the article o, I will cut it o…okay, I have cut it. Hahaaaaaaaa!

God be with us all! Amen!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu