Of polygamy and today’s muslim husbands

“My wife is old and cannot satisfy me sexually anymore thus, I got another wife; a younger woman.”

“I found this young lady and I saw all I wanted in her: religious, respectful and beautiful. I didn’t want to cheat on my wives and since Islam allows polygamy, I married her.”

Cheating! Our husbands want to steer clear of cheating; our husbands want to remain faithful thus they decide to add more wives to us. That’s nice! We love that you love us much to not want to cheat on us.

However, we wonder what goes on before you marry your new wives. Getting to know each other is very important in any relationship. We are pretty sure you don’t marry them the very first time you meet them rather, you get to know each other over a period of time. You may not have any sexual relationship with them but in our dictionary, we consider such a relationship with your newbie, being unfaithful.

When you are ready to marry her and inform us that you have met this beautiful, pious woman from a humble home, like her, cannot let her go and hence want to make her the second or the third or the fourth wife, we get bruised.

What we think you want to tell us is that, we are not as beautiful, as pious or come from a less humble home. But fine, bring her in because we love you and hate to see you cheat.

Errrmmm… but our husbands, do you know there are equally handsome, pious and humble men out there that we… forget it. That was just by the way.

We have one doubt though. The beautiful, pious, humble women don’t finish with the one you bring in. The majority the Quran allows is four and if she is the fourth and LAST, what happens when you meet another woman of your “taste”: shove down the feelings or be an unfaithful husband by cheating with her?

If it is the former, why didn’t you shove down that feeling early on and had to bring her in? If it is the latter, you shouldn’t have married her anyway because you would cheat all the same.

We hurt because we want to be someone’s one and only and not one of many but we cannot lament; we cannot complain; we become bitter and we hurt within. The Quran says our men can marry up to four so how dare we women question what has been stated.

But… hold on for a minute. I don’t think we have different versions of the Quran which means we use only one version the world over. So I guess I will do with a few quotes from the Quran.

Surah-an- Nisa (Quran 4:3) reads:

“And if you fear that you may not be just to the orphans; then you may marry whom you please of the women: two, three, and four. But if you fear you will not be fair, then only one, or what your right hand possesses. This is best that you do not face financial hardship.”

“IF” “IF” “IF”! Now that’s a condition there but it seems our loving husbands have shortened the verse, getting rid of the conditional clause.

Yes you can marry two or three or four but only if you can be fair to all the wives. Allah didn’t end there but added that if you fear you cannot be fair, then marry only one.

Hello, can someone please hand me the tape measure or scale for measuring fairness?

Allah being all knowing didn’t end with this verse. He continued in Sura 4:129. It reads:

“And you will never be able to be equal (in feeling) between two wives, even if you should strive, so do not incline completely and leave another hanging. And if you amend and fear Allah – then indeed Allah is ever forgiving and merciful”

Bingo! Allah says you cannot love your wives equally even if you try to. It is impossible.

Or maybe our husbands know how to measure equity. I’m pretty sure they can measure love, care and sexual satisfaction too.

Some men who have multiple wives have enough finances to take care of them and their off-springs; quite cool.

Other men are financially unstable but for one ungodly reason or the other, marry four wives, give birth to tens and are unable to take care of them. How wicked!

You love the last wife’s children and shower them with favours because they are obedient and despise the second wife’s children because they are headstrong. Please you have no choice. You have to love the second wife’s children as much.

You go to town and find a nice dress which you buy for your first wife. I’m sorry but you have to find an equally nice dress for each of the remaining three wives. It’s equity we are talking about here and being fair.

So our husbands, you can go ahead and marry four wives because it is allowed. But whatever you do, we don’t want you forgetting the conditions attached.

Allah knows best.

I leave you with salaam, our husbands, with the verse of the day, “And you will never be able to be equal (in feeling) between two wives, even if you should strive, so do not incline completely and leave another hanging. And if you amend and fear Allah – then indeed Allah is ever forgiving and merciful.”