Parenting with a difference 101: Who is your child's friend?

Friendship is very much a matter of choice. Your ward may meet some other children in a class, they remain his/her classmates.

Friends and classmates are not synonymous. A lot of children including adults confuse the two.

Who is a friend? A friend is a confidant, someone from whom you take advice from and vice versa or share ideas. S/he may normally defend you in your absence.

The adage, "Show me your friend and I will tell you your character," says a lot about the influence a friend can have on who you are or become. Indeed a friend could influence positively or negatively your destination in the hereafter.

Therefore the selection and/or acceptance of friendship must be done with a lot of circumspection. It must not be taken lightly at all.

You have very negligible or no choice on who becomes your classmates or school mates. Much as you must be nice to your classmates not every one of them qualifies or deserves to be your friend. You don't get to choose your neighbors, you don't get to choose your parents or siblings, you don't get to choose the tribe or race.

Parents and guardians, make it clear to your child (ren), their classmates are not automatically or necessarily, their friends. They must choose friends from their classmates / neighborhood / place of worship and so on, whose values align with the values you have inculcated in them.

It is a choice and they should consciously select based on standards. The influence that, the one they picked as a friend has on them, is far reaching. It will affect their present and future, make no mistake about it.

Some friends add value to your life, some friends destroy the values you have, other friends increase you exponentially in doing valuable things, while others lead you to damnation.

Choose wisely!

The friends who let you sit in the comfort of your bad habits don't love you as much as those who dare to challenge you to be better.

The principle our wards should abide by is, "if I can not influence you to do the right thing, then you certainly aren't going to influence me to do wrong things.”

In my line of work, I had the pleasant task of advising young folks and one line that I always used was: “All of you are my favorites, I can't say don't be friends with this and that person. However, make your own deductions, check how beneficial your friendship is. If you are wiser than your supposed friend, it is time to start looking for a better person.”

“Close friends, that Day will be enemies to each other, except for the righteous,” Quran 40:67 says.

So as parents and guardians even as you admonish your child (ren) to pick good friends. You should be seen to be modelling it in real life. Who are your friends?

Ask your child (ren), who their friends are and what qualities they bring on board in the friendship?

From time to time, find out what positive actions your ward engaged in with the friend(s).

Invite their friends and if possible their friend's parents and/or guardians for an outing, so you can know them first hand.

Ask their teachers or school authorities, what their views of your ward's friendship with the other kid (s) is.

If it is positive, what areas can be improved?

If negative, then call for dissolution of it.

George Washington said, “It is better to be alone than to be in bad company.”

Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Hebrews 10:24:"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab stated, “To be alone means that you avoid bad company. But to have a true friend is better than being alone.”

One can not decide to keep his/her closed because s/he doesn't want to see bad people, that would mean missing out on the good people who pass by.

No matter what, all the people can't be bad. In any case there aren't perfect humans including you looking to deal with a good person. There may be challenges especially in current times, but if it is clear what to look out for in a friend, the search would be easier and the results thereof would be worth the effort.

Have a blissful parenting!

Rayhann Shaban

Parent-child Relationship Coach

Lead Education

Advocate Development Networks (ADN)