‘Slide it in slowly’

Some people talk too much o. I just don’t know why. Yesterday I took a day off to have a jolly ride with my wife to Akatsi. I decided to pass by Derick, an old time friend. His office is on the way near Ashaiman Tulaku.

I parked my car while my wife was still seated in there. I went to his office and we exchanged pleasantries after many years of not seeing each other. As to be expected, I walked with him to my car to introduce my wife to him and him to my wife.

As soon as my wife rolled down the glass of the door, they greeted and I said ‘Derick, meet my wife, Fatima’. Immediately Derick responded ‘Oh I remember her very well. I think you came with her to that funeral at Apam in 2010 so her face is familiar’.

You can imagine the look on my face. I had never attended any funeral with my wife anywhere in Apam before. What an expository situation! Honestly, I don’t know how I survived that moment. Sadly he was still talking about how I was drunk that day and my wife had to manage me into the car. I have since resolved never to introduce my wife to any such unknown gentle and ungentlemen. He nearly put me into trouble.

The one I attended that funeral with has nothing to do with my wife. In fact, we got to that funeral late sef because we passed by a hotel in Winneba before continuing to Apam and the lady was not my wife. Derick, next time keep your mouth shut. Weytin concern me with funeral in Apam with a mistaken identity!

Anyway, that is what happens when a roaming hunter meets a roaming antelope! The reason I don’t like staying out late in the night.

Don’t think about it; just stay out late into the night till you one day have a flat tyre at 11pm in an area noted for the roaming of criminals!

You see the male fowl? (koklotsu). When a male fowl (cock) wants to have fun with ‘his wife’, ‘he’ doesn’t just go straight like that o; he finds a very romantic way of opening one wing in a stylish fashion and then approaches the hen like a car that has lost alignment. At this point, the hen too wants the ‘thing’ o, but she will be running small small pretending not to be interested. Orbua!

Many human husbands fail to do this koklotsu romance and many of our wives have a problem with that. As for me when it comes to romance, I no get. Weytin concern village boy with romance? I don’t even understand it.

Ablavi tried to coach me but when I look myself in the mirror, I don’t think my hard ugly face would make me make any adjustments to becoming a romantic husband. I would even annoy her the more. She herself has given up in her mind long time ago.

Small foreplay too, men can’t. Some of us because we are in a hurry to just ‘empty our already weak and rigid waists’, we apply small saliva to our left fingers and then smear it at the ‘port’ and then hrrrrrrr. It’s a complete put-off for many wives! Ei! Let me be careful here and put on record that my wife. She is the only one I have. Thank God the days of Ananias and Safira are no more or else by now!.....kpakam! '

My dear friends, there is something bothering me o. We have a saying that ‘he who gives a proverb and goes ahead to explain it may not be smart’! Even if I don’t know anything at all, I know that after Saturday, the next day would be Monday. Hahahahahaha!

That reminds me. Why is it so difficult for men to remove diapers from their baby children but find it very easy to remove ‘bikinis’ from fully grown adult single ladies? I just asked a simple question o! To be frank, for the men, removing diapers from babies who have started eating fufu, meat, eggs, milk and mormorni soup with banku can be as hard as pursuing a PhD dissertation. Our women do well o. Handling that with so much ease? Ei!

Let us pray our wives, mothers and mothers-in-law are always around us to help. I had an experience when I had to take up that responsibility of changing baby diapers for just a day! Yeeeeeeeeeiiiii! Jesus is Lord! Shaka-taya-basa-masa! That was when I applied abomiki balm to my nose just to ward off the stench. The real big deal happened when after I was done changing the diapers, I mistakenly went to urinate with the abomiki balm on my fingers. Ei ei ei ei! More than ten buckets of water and two packs of ommo were used but still. Ala! Abomiki balm on my distin? Hmmm!

Even if your spouse provokes you, manage it like that. No where cool. Marriage without provocation from one’s spouse should never be described as marriage o! When we are not on good terms and she is sleeping, that is when I would just go and open the trap door wide enough for it to bang hard – gbaaan! It scares her and gets her woken up from her sleep in anger but she won’t complain because we are not on talking terms!

But at least for her major role of changing baby diapers let us value our wives. Just because of what I have just said, I won’t bang the door again. Our wives go through a lot but they won’t share with you.

The two of us have been too nice to each other lately and the konkonsa the two of us have been doing about our neighbours er, hehehe! The reason she finds it easy to ask me to pass by the mall to buy this and buy that even if she could do so by herself. Interestingly, I will gladly run to buy them. But when we are quarrelling, I save a lot of money because she can’t send me to buy anything by ‘heart’.

Guys, we are mostly at fault o. No woman likes it when we are chatting with someone and smiling! That’s a secret; don’t tell anyone o, yoo.

Did you know that the greatest fear of the dog is when a mudman is assigned to feed it? The dog is as uncertain about the next moves of the mudman the same way the mudman is also uncertain and afraid of the next moves of the dog. It is difficult to tell what the next person sitting next to you and eating with you is planning to do to you. Believe in your instincts and be wise and don’t feel you are offending anybody. Just like the antelope, it doesn’t need to have offended the lion before the lion jumps on it to finish it; all the lion wants is to eat!

When you enter a barber shop and your first gut feeling is that: ‘this barber may not be good’, chances are that you would come back home and can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. Believe your instincts! God’s special way of communicating to us but we often ignore such feelings.

The older you get, the more you realise it’s not what happened; it’s how you deal with it’. That is why if you have ever had a bad experience in using an ATM machine and it is not responding, take your time and slide the ATM card into the machine slowly and the money will come out piaaaaaa! Sorry if you think this whole abstract is about ATM card.

Have a nice weekend…byeeee!

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