The man in the shadow that your partner or spouse loves more than you

Last week, while browsing the internet, I came across a post on Facebook that suggested that the average Ghanaian woman, even in marriage, has a man they love more than their husbands.

This is debatable and quite judgmental. This post led to a ping-pong of facts and flaring emotions among netizens. And after some days of retrospection, I tend to agree with this assertion to a large extent.

In Ghana, as in many other cultures, romantic relationships are complex and often deeply rooted in past experiences. A lot of times, Ghanaian women, despite being in committed marriages or good or better relationships, may harbor lingering emotional attachments to their former lovers.

You may have heard the narrative that women do not like good men, and our Ghanaian women may not be spared from this bracket and label. This position is just one layer of a much more complex emotional reality. The core issue on my part lies in unhealed trauma and unresolved emotional attachments.

Many women carry the emotional imprints and baggage of their past lovers into their marriages. This attachment can stem from various stages of their lives. From a childhood sweetheart, a high school crush, a university boyfriend, a mentor, or even a spiritual guide such as a pastor. These past connections often hold significant emotional weight and are often stronger than the bonds they share with their current partners or husbands. The intensity of these past relationships, particularly those involving first loves or men who played pivotal roles in their sexual awakening, may and could leave an indelible mark on their souls for a lifetime.

Even when some women find themselves in relationships that are better, more stable, loving, and respectful, they may still feel an inexplicable pull toward their exes. This attachment is often rooted in unresolved emotions and unhealed traumas from their past.

The allure of a past lover can sometimes be so strong that some women continue to maintain contact, seeking solace in a familiar but bygone intimacy. This connection may manifest in different forms, from occasional messages to secret and inappropriate meetings to poignant physical encounters.

In some cases, the attachment might not be to an ex-lover but to a spiritual leader like a pastor. The pastor, often seen as a figure of authority and guidance, can become an emotional anchor. For some women, this attachment can transcend spiritual mentorship, leading to inappropriate emotional or physical relationships. The trust and emotional intimacy developed in a spiritual context may result in complex and often troubling dynamics.

Women who have experienced abusive or emotionally neglectful relationships often carry those scars into their new relationships. Interestingly, the trauma can create a paradox where they find themselves drawn to the very patterns of behavior that once caused them pain. They may miss the drama, the intensity, or even the pain, associating it subconsciously with a form of love.

Consequently, when they encounter partners who treat them with the kindness and respect they deserve, they might respond with indifference or even hostility. The distaste for "nice men" can lead to self-sabotage, pushing them towards their exes or others who exhibit familiar and unhealthy behaviors. The underlying reasons for all these can range from a desire for emotional closure to a simple craving for the excitement that their past relationships provided.

For women to move past their ex-lovers and fully embrace healthier relationships, a conscious effort towards emotional healing and closure is essential. This involves acknowledging past hurts, seeking therapeutic help, and fostering open and honest communication in their current relationships. Doing this intentionally will break the cycle of attachment, paving the way for healthier and more fulfilling relationships and marriages.

The overarching issue lies in the unhealed emotional wounds. Women who have not fully processed and healed from their past relationships carry forward emotional baggage, which can significantly impact their current relationships. Even as some are labelled as "just friends" under the guise that it is harmless or immature to not be open and nice to an ex-lover, the emotional attachment to an ex or a past lover acts as a barrier to fully investing in their present relationship. This can lead to a cycle of dissatisfaction, infidelity, and emotional turmoil.

This may not be the story of all relationships or marriages, but it is relevant to many. Emotional healing is very important, and as much as this has focused more on women, it is worth acknowledging that there are men who are equally saddled and attached to their past relationships.

Keeping close ties with an ex or even maintaining them as a friend is more like playing with fire. It will burn and hurt you and hurt your present partner, spouse, and more. If you still have feelings for your ex as a woman in a relationship, it will be better to tell your partner, get healed from the attachment, or come out of the relationship. Do not punish a good man for your traumas.