Tutorials on the pseudo-prophetic profession

In the wake of the high unemployment rate in Ghana, I wish to provide free tutorials on the pseudo-prophetic profession, which is fetching more money than politics. I deem it prudent to share it with you now so you could prepare yourself adequately before the most blooming time of 31st December 2021. Even though the Bible has already exposed these tips (2 Timothy 4:3, 4), your wittiness can shield you.

To begin with, you would have to purchase a bleaching cream and use it judiciously. You should do this because it is apparent that most Ghanaians are more attracted to fair skin prophets. Perhaps, the ideology of white supremacy during the colonial era influenced this and had left an immutable gene in many blacks.

Moreover, this outfit has proven to be successful for the self-acclaimed nation prophets. If you can, you should perm your hair like some of them to complement your new skin. With this, you would get a very beautiful picture on your signpost to attract many unguarded Ghanaians. Although this isn't the path Christ took (Isaiah 53:2), you may want to do it for your pocket's sake.

Secondly, you can persuade a couple of people to start a prayer group with you. Concerning this, you would have to tactfully choose parks and other public places where you can be visibly noticed by others. While praying, shout and babble words repeatedly, as this would make you appear powerful in the site of your audience and passersby. I know Jesus preached against such prayers (Matthew 6:5-8) but don't forget to do this for your wallet's sake.

As you pray aloud with your disciples, try to pay attention to what they utter even as you shout yours. When you hear those who pray for God's intervention in such issues as marital problems, job loss, barrenness and others, take note of them and request to meet them after the prayers. At the meeting, tell them you were taken into the spirit and their problems were revealed to you. Say them as you heard from their lips and remember to hyperbolize them.

Upon hearing this, they would begin to see you as one who is especially gifted to reveal deep secrets. Once you master this, you can choose to make public their problems during the group prayers. As you reveal the mysteries, endeavour to deepen your voice like some renowned prophets to give it a spiritual touch. You must do this because some of them have their voices acknowledged as spirito voxes.

Next, you would have to solve their problems. Let them believe that you are the only one chosen by God to deliver them from their troubles. You can arrogate for yourself special titles and nicknames supposed to be ratified from above. This will make you appear more fearful. Purchase oil and sanctify it; also, you can make available stickers bearing your image. Announce that you don't sell these spiritual items but one would have to sow a seed to get one.

If any of your followers claim to have been delivered from their problem, exact the glory. However, if any of them asserts that his problem persists, rebuke him for not carrying out your direction out of faith. You have to be alert because some people from your bunch may rise and attempt to expose you. Sack such ones before they dismiss you. Herein, make sure you insulate yourself from corrections and criticisms. Position yourself as an inerrant boss, even though Christ is (Ephesians 1:22, 23).

Going forward, you would surely attract numerous unwary persons. Preach only sugar-coated messages and never rebuke sin (2 Timothy 4:3, 4). Soon, you would gather a huge following. That should trigger the transition of your movement from a prayer camp to a full-fledged church. Open branches immediately and invest in the media space to sell yourself. This strategy would draw in a lot of cash from many parts of the country. With time, you would reach the level of charging exorbitant consultation fees.

Last but not least, your popularity would spread like bush fire if you are sharp enough to make predictions concerning politicians and celebrities. Do you know why? The reason is simple! It is because these are widely known and your predictions about their destiny would attract the attention of almost the entire country. Look, there are events whose occurrence is inevitable and you should take advantage of that.

Concerning elections, for example, either NDC or NPP would emerge as the winner. Therefore, please study the trends and try to predict victory for anyone of them. If it comes to pass, publicise your prophetic recording and advertise yourself as the nation's prophet. But if it does not come to pass (Deuteronomy 18:21, 22), tell Ghanaians the election was rigged. Or you can say the loser refused to perform a direction you proposed so suffered the consequences. Be bold to insult or slander (Colossians 4:6) anyone who preaches that you are false. That would silence many coward preachers.

Also, consider making predictions about popular artists, especially the award-winning ones. Since the death prophecy is the most attractive one, try to give it the utmost attention. It is without a doubt that one of the many musicians either dies or gets involved in an accident each year. Therefore, ride on that and predict that for some of them. Those who are enlightened won't mind you but you would certainly find many ignorant ones running to you for protection. When they come, build strong connections with them and they would shower you with gifts.

These prophecies can be made anytime but try to reserve most of them for 31st December Crossover Nights. Yes, that is the time many ears itch to hear from God even though their Bibles are shut and were not read. Do not worry about buying time from a media station. Just stream your videos live on Facebook or YouTube and your mouth watering predictions would win the attention of some giant media stations. The next day, you would be called and invited for interviews. Prepare to use this opportunity to advertise yourself to the best of your ability.

We will end the pseudo-prophetic tutorials here. However, I wish to state emphatically that I am not going to adhere to any of the aforementioned suggestions myself. This is because I desire eternal life for my soul. I would not follow my stomach to act unjustly and face the wrath of God at the end (Matthew 7:21-23). If you wish to save yourself from damnation, never dream of pursuing any of these exposed popular tricks of the false prophets. Apart from that, be careful not to be lured by their dubious schemes in order not to share in their miserable fate (Matthew 15:14).

Beloved, make the wise decision of trusting God and embrace his gift of eternal life through Christ. If you are interested, you must believe in Christ (Mark 16:16), repent (change your mind) and consider him as Lord of your life (Acts 2:38), confess him as Lord (Romans 10:10), be baptized (Acts 22:16), be added to his church (Acts 2:47), and walk-in newness of life (Romans 6:3,4).

Enjoy the Grace of God!

Amen!