Useless Column: 'A golfer's hole 18'

Nobody thinks faster on his feet than a man under attack from a wild dog in an enclosed space where there are lots of broken down chairs, wooden beds and metal beds under packed iron rods. I had this experience and realized I was not using my brain to its fullest capacity. Pressure makes the brain work. Alla! Stress in itself is not a bad idea especially if it is for a good cause.

If you see a man walking and bending or balancing to his right, that is the man to date because his right back pocket contains a lot of money weighing him down. On the contrary, when you see me walking straight, don’t bother yourself.

Nothing dey inside that pocket. So so dry pocket make man walk straight; nothing will ‘weigh him down’. Not even kapr3, daama or sempua sef you go get! He is a broke man; don’t waste your time entertaining his whatsapp messages.

I learnt Donald Tee is a great golfer and doesn’t joke with his Sundays when it comes to golf. Christmas is coming and after the excitement, the next week will be resolution galore. I have not made any resolutions for 2024 because all those I made for 2023, I failed to meet any of them.

The decision not to do another one is a personal one. To start with I said I wasn’t going to wear the same boxer shorts for more than 5 days before washing it; I failed. I told myself I would use singlets only once in a day; I failed and even extended it to 3 days. As for pair of socks and how long I should wear it before washing it, I am still laughing ooo. 3 months is even too small. After all, who is going to inspect and for what! Hahaaaaa

The things I say will do, I fail to do so why waste my time on useless resolutions again! In fact, the decision not to do resolutions is also a resolution! It’s only monetary savings I didn’t factor into my 2023 resolutions and paradoxically, that was what I was able to do quite effectively in 2023. I cut out some of ‘those ones’ whose hostel rents I used to pay and those who go like: ‘I am broke o…my momo number is xxxx’. It has helped me papa!

Please let’s stop deceiving ourselves with resolutions especially those to do with our habits. I once had a lady friend at the university and one of the things we prayed against as a resolution was not to fornicate again in 1998; it was 31st December 1997.

We prayed and jumped over into January 1, 1998 and she spent the night in my room since we closed late from the watchnight service and my roommate was also not around. We locked the door and went ‘according to our useless resolution’. So you expect that resolution we prayed over a few minutes earlier to work? No ooo! It jammed! Why do some of us like deceiving ourselves like that han? It should work? Ei! Komlavi? I see!

Anyway I pray for long life, prosperity and good heath for ourselves and those who depend on us including our girls! During those holidays I only went to play golf small and ended at hole 18 of the Achimota golf course where I was once a caddie. You don’t know who a caddie is? A caddie is usually a boy who carries the golf bags of the men and women with ‘flat’ bellies around hole 1 through to the last hole, that is hole 18!

I remember the days of my cousin, Mona Captan! This woman, arguably the best female golfer in the whole of West Africa those days; she once scored a hole-in-one at hole 18 and the whole Club House went agog with Kojo Antwi’s Daadianoma blurring from the loudspeakers. This was some time in 1990 or so sponsored by GACEM. A hole-in-one is when the first kick from the spot enters the hole straight. This often happens to those who want to avoid pregnancy; first attempt p3, somebody will miss a period!

The days the likes of golf greats such as Emos Kobla, Victor Brave Mensah, Steven Klah, John Dorman and one Nyarkoh were at the peak of their professional careers and were at each other’s heels as to who was who in golfing..the professional way. For amateurs and learners, the levels started from Level Par, and then progresses to Birdie, Bogey, and finally to Eagle before the professional level though in our part of the world, there are only a few professional golfers.

Those were the days I first met renowned late Medical Doctor ‘Dr Nyahho Clinic’ playing golf. It was a delight to watch him play with his wood, iron and putter (pronounced ‘pata’) golf clubs before climaxing it all in hole 18 with his last kick with the putter. He was such a delight to watch playing golf. He received all the applauses!

I learnt how to play golf by just watching them play and I excelled as a caddie till I entered the secondary school that is surrounded by the Achimota Golf course. Being a caddie has never been easy. Carrying bags containing metal clubs with different clubs was what has made me walking like guy guy nowadays as if I have money in my pocket. When the golf ball with brand names such as Dunlop, Slazenger, Pinnacle, Titlelist, Topflight, go into the bush, it was the responsibility of the caddie to go and look for it for his Master.

Buoy! Man suffer before o… man is still suffering though better than before. My Master was a Japanese we nicknamed ‘Aforkpavi’ (small shoes in Ewe). The language barrier created a problem between us and you can imagine. Anytime we journeyed on the field of play, Aforkpavi was so magnanimous he would want me to go and eat first because to go round the full 18 holes was going to be a lot of work and draining.

Each time, he saw me eating, it was kenkey and pepper…finish! Till one day he got angry at me and asked the kenkey seller to add fish in a language easily comprehensible as a smile in any language. He got upset with shouts of: ‘Mavuli, everyday kenkey, every day kenkey, every day kenkey; what are wrong you’. It is not his fault; neither was it my fault. Man must survive! Hmmmm! The most important thing was that he spoke his Japanese English in limited quantity in Ghana and was excited by himself!

I insist, poverty is a crime.

In fact, I mastered the virtue of honesty through what we saw our ‘masters’ doing. Even though nobody was really watching them play, the big men never cheated. They would never play 8 kicks of the golf ball before entering the hole 18 and other holes lower than that and say it was 5 kicks just to have an unethical competitive advantage over the others.

No way! It was not a matter of winning at all cost but rather a matter of healthy honest competition, fun and exercising! I never saw cheating happening but I was aware golfing is more of business networking too.

So what type of hole 18 were you thinking of entering in 2025? God forgive you your sins, bad man! Hahaaaaaaa!

Good afternoon o, Dr Kwaku Apietu-Ankrah of Ghana Re. Doctor was one of the fastest sportspersons KNUST ever had in the late 90s. He now plays golf! S3 asan!