Useless Column: Akpeteshie market share goes up?

While distilleries and breweries are spending fortunes on advertising and marketing their beer and other soft drinks, have you ever seen akpeteshie being advertised anywhere? I stand to be corrected but I haven’t seen any yet.

Is it because it is the undisputable chairman of all drinks very quiet but dangerous in the bottle? I heard good chairmen don’t talk much so I am not surprised at apio. It is very transparent and corruption-free but let it enter your body and see what happens within seconds.

I ever mentioned here that my first real experience was when I drunk some and was super excited but noticed serious changes in my body – instantly. When I move the right leg, the left one appears to be non-existent. Even the right leg became heavier than normal.

I was so happy saying things that made no meaning. Confessing sins that no one was interested in. Eish! Sodabi is a baaad boy! I learnt how to booze apio when my uncle, the famous Ganyaglo used to send me to buy his ‘quarter’. He would ask me to sip small and then he sipped the majority.

After that he would ask that we should go and create chaos by provoking people who have not offended us. Surprisingly, those who were hitherto not in good terms with, were the people we embraced and hugged in joy! What a double-edged liquid! When he staggers to the right while walking, I staggered to the left in similar fashion. Until recently I had not seen Ganyaglo for some years.

I got know recently that he has gone back to the village and has moved on. Moved on to where ah, they say he has advanced from drinking akpeteshie. Now he is into full scale distillation of akpeteshie. When I got to know, I fainted because I know the effect is going to have on his liver and other related organs like the kidneys. This man is going to be in trouble now that he owns the production hub and the warehouse of the African vodca.

This week was very good for me. Presec lost in the NSMQ and the whole country was in joy as if we have gained a second independence. Haaba! Every year Presec, why? Anyway, there are some schools that should not be schools especially based on where Presec is located.

Early this week, I visited a nephew in the school and goats and sheep were bleating behind the walls. That was Madina market. Sadly, they call themselves the Great Presek. The best schools don’t have any of those descriptions attached to their names o.

Have you ever heard of the Great Achimota? The Great Wegehe or the Great Mfantsipim? Or even the Great Augustines? You would hear those who need to advertise themselves like ‘Mighty Kinbbu’ ‘Big Bosss’. Big for where? Make I hear something. Hahahaha! Abeg, na play we dey play o, no vex, Sammy Essien of Augustines.

As for you er, hmmm! And my friend with big grammar and super diction with control over the King’s language, Nath Attor, but for your sake, I would have descended on Snr Komla Woode who also swam in the Atlantic Ocean in Cape Coast. I would have teased him till he ponds me again like he in the 1990s at UST. Senior, I greet you. I am rather teasing Soul Bro and he is not even feeling shy. That boy er! Hmmm!

But I am happy for Mfantsipim. You know those days after secondary form 5, the Mfantsipim boys were brought to do 6th form in Achimota – for some polishing! They are our friends and we doff our hats for them.

Thank God Adisadel didn’t get anywhere. By now, the mood in Ghana would have been like Christmas – noise everywhere. Proper ‘showdown’ would have been on display. Congratulations to my Assistant, Julian Quist. If an Achimotan is the Boss and a Kwabotwe is the Assistant, things work well. No bi so, haaaa!

Congratulations Botwe Prof Lord Mensa of UBGS. I am happy for you because the victory of Mfantsipim also coincided with your promotion to a full PROFESSOR! Prof, but your people won in ‘English’ and not local dialect o. You remember back at KNUST in the late 1990s, you used to say that ‘it is only when your problem is not big enough that you pray in English? Prof, Congratulations to you again!

One of the things I can’t say in the presence of my siblings or siblings is anything about sex. I am unable to talk about anything sexual in nature perhaps because of the way I was brought up!

I visited my senior sister Lisa some time back and was shocked when my sister approached me and told me about how a herbalist had been so helpful to Nana Yaw, her son, my nephew. According to my sister, Nana Yaw, 14 and half years old at the time, complained to her that he ‘could not stand upright’ for long. Ei! As3m b3n nie! Before I could even probe further, she called Nana Yaw to come and narrate his own story to Uncle Mawuli.

I asked Nana Yaw, so what was your problem? His response which I would try to paraphrase “Oh, at a point, any time my girlfriend visited me and I wanted to perform, the thing rises and upon entry, it ‘frowns’ and drops leaving my girlfriend very dissatisfied”. Ei, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘You even have a girlfriend at age 14?’ I soliloquized! And then I probed further. “So what happened afterwards?

I quizzed to which he responded sharply and with so much ease in the presence of the mother “Oh after my Mum had sent to the herbalist who administered some herbs mixed with akpeteshie, now I can ‘stand on my feet as a man”. Age 14 and you call yourself, a man? Ei!

Up till now, I have neither been happy nor sad and don’t remember uttering a word till now after the ‘Nana Yaw Declaration’.

Happy because this was a teenager who identified a sexual problem early and drew his mother’s attention to it for a possible cure. Sad because at his age, one would have expected some chastity and sexual discipline and the mother seemed to be encouraging him.

Recognizing the fact that early reproductive health education was necessary, it still beats my imagination. It was even more difficult to probe further how old his girlfriend is. He at age 14 and a half, chances are the girlfriend may be about the same age or less and understands what sexual satisfaction is.

Hmmm! What a useless modern world! Is it? Or rather to our advantage? Reason, I am asking is that maybe several others may be doing this and keeping it away from their parents – this is where the could be problems.

Nana Yaw, my dear nephew, I am still hoping that you are not as ‘useless’ as your uncle – me but I am worried!

Useless bitters for Nana Yaw, who cares? The most important thing is that even teenagers have come to know that there is a ‘short term’ solution to long term problems. Our aphrodisiac dealers who are using akpeteshie especially, I beg, teenagers are picking it up regardless of the age caveat of 18 and above, because this may compound their problems in the future.

Have a great weekend and remember alcohol may be killing more people than we can imagine.

God be with us and let’s consume anything in moderation. Tswa me 2 tots….i will pay later!