Useless Column: 'Apor swerve'

I used to be very worried about little but important things at home until I changed, since she won’t change, or rather continues changing!

For some time now, she has stopped sleeping in my bedroom.

She sleeps in her room. When she needs it, she would come in the middle of the night to come and ‘collect’ and go back.

Please don’t ask me to collect what, Hahaha!

Then recently she resumed sleeping in my room again.

I didn’t say anything.

Later, even though she sleeps in my room, she does so on the floor.

I still didn’t say anything.

Then last month, she started sleeping on our bed, or is it rather my bed again, but this time round, her head goes down and her feet up, where my head is.

You see that kind of arrangement where anyone can ‘fire’ after eating gari and beans, and the other one can hear the sound and sometimes the odour – ehern!

Late, I noticed that she would sleep in this position, but in the middle of the night, she would turn to sleep head to head with me.

It is only with this that I now understand the principle of head-to-head in the game of football.

Just last night, she was the first to go to bed, and guess what – she slept across the bed, denying me access and compelling me to sleep across the bed too – I slept on the floor! Life goes on, peace is prevailing.

Good morning to all those who are getting ready to get married this weekend. Hurrayyyyyy!

You are welcome, and if you are a man, you need shock absorbers – men have an equal responsibility to ensure the success of a marital union, so do women! That Judge would not live for long.

She is so wise. Faithful side-chics are now very happy!

You see, the thing, er, don’t do multiples; stay with one, and judgment would be to your favour.

That is how God wants us to worship Him in spite of anything. Don’t do juju in addition. This is not about juju!

You can’t please each other in marriage – just do your best and be grateful to God for giving you such an ‘incorrect’ partner like me.

One of the things I hated and never wanted to happen to me was to wear spectacles.

In 2012, when the doctors advised me should start wearing a pair of spectacles, I protested.

In fact, I took it but never wanted to use it.

Ten years on, and I can’t read anything if there is no pair of medicated spectacles around.

My wife knows the ‘weakness’, so anytime she needs my attention in the night, she hides my spectacles because without them, there is no way I could be doing ‘useless.’

video calls.

So recently, the WASSCE results dropped. For those who might have gotten ‘apor’ to score all the A’s they don’t deserve, it didn’t work. Some time ago, a certain Brother Nicholas was suspected of having bought a product from a source.

The son obtained very good grades and was offered Mathematics at Tech!

The moment of truth came – he withdrew himself after the third semester from the University. Prepare well and take your B’s and C’s like that.

After all, the course you would be offered would fall in this ‘strength’. But A, A, B+, etc. Na B.Sc Mathematics, they would offer you, and you no go fit, I swear!

The small got an answer to a question in Ga wrong. ‘What is a ‘book’ called in Ga?’.

Apparently, she didn’t ask anybody who could speak Ga. She got the easy way out and got the answer ‘correct’ but from AI on social media.

In fact, AI even stated that the word ‘buk’ is a corrupted version of ‘book’, so ‘buk’ is the borrowed word since there is no indigenous word in Ga like that. Who says?

At least I know ‘book’ in Ga is ‘wolo’ and not the AI version ‘buk’. Let me end it here. We all know the problem, but…hmmm!

Wrong copying of other people is also the bane of many people. I recall writing a Mathematics exam. It was a mock exam. While I was struggling to do ordinary additions and subtractions, come and see this guy also seriously copying my work. When I noticed it, I laughed and laughed saaa and asked myself: ‘Upon all the Maths gurus here, it’s me you want to copy from, Asimo?

Apor in any form would swerve you if not immediately, someday, for sure!

I always maintain that from creation till the next 500 million years, no two persons have the same fingerprint.

When people say or do things to prove that they are the best guys in town, I wonder if they truly are.

The best guys attended the following schools. How can you behave as if you are the best guy in town when you have not attended ‘Katerko’, ‘Hemit’, ‘Otkass’, or Kimbuu secondary?

In our days, these were the real guys who didn’t fear anything. When there is a school rule not to speak vernacular, that is when you would hear a student confront a teacher for rebuking him: ‘Teacher, if you like, come and bi this boy whether I skip Ga lo! (Come and ask this boy whether I’ve spoken Ga [vernacular].

One thing was for sure about students from these schools– they wore the neatest camboosGreetingsgs, Prof Paul Ampedu Yeboa, Chairman of the International Useless Column Confederation! Useless Column has no formula o. We haphazardly write anything.

Unnecessary satire stuff made of nothing. No vex, na fun we are having to distress.

The English Language WAIC exam in 19 ninety something was such a confusing one.

There was an essay question that required candidates to write about CHILD LABOUR. Honestly, I personally found it ambiguous.

Ambiguous in the sense that I could not tell whether they were referring to how children can go into labour and give birth, or the phenomenon that involves the use of children to do business at various places, including stone quarries! After all, they are both

‘labour’.

Talking about labour, is it not strange to see a woman in labour discussing when to have the next child? It is also strange to witness this:

If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer!

Dzifa Anadzi wrote to me from Atlan, and that he had read my article on my list of Ewe names and the meanings of their names, and ‘collapsed’. ‘Dzifa’ typically is thought to be the name of a female, not a male, but h, make no mistake – there are a lot of male ‘Dzifas’.

Dzifa Anadzi, in themid-90s0, was given his Legon admission letter and guessed his hall of residence on the letter…Volta Hall! Please remain here if you don’t know the gender orientation of Voltta Hall. Unfortunately, he did not notice it until he was driven away by the Hall Master of Vandal City for registering at the wrong hall.

Dzifa himself was not moved because, according to him, that was his second experience after he gained admission to Accra Girls for his secondary education! He did only one day at Agiss before he was ‘sacked’ to Accra Hi, where he’d actually wanted to be.

Please, Togbe, tell our people something la ah! Let ‘Dzifa’ remain a female name forever, er oo, yoo! Naming males ‘Dzifa’ is becoming a problem.

Precious Doamekpor (meaning Tempt me and see) nearly died last week at the clinic.

While waiting to be admitted to the female ward where a bed was prepared for him or her, it turned out.

Out that Precious was a man and the male ward already got full because of the delay in getting him ‘genderly’ identified! His medications included Fostino,2, and admitted to the maternity ward! Case closed!

My own uncle, Gbagbladza who has 8 boy children didn’t want any more boys. All he wanted was just one girl, whom he morbidly craved for.

Fortunately, his wife conceived again and recently gave birth.

They were twins – a girl and a boy; he named the girl ‘Advantage’ and the boy … ‘Disadvantage’.

Please add their surnames; for a clue, my uncle is called Gbagbladza (cockroach).