Useless Column: 'Big or long?'

Did you know that the crab does not bite or sting but rather it is only a handshake’ that it gives? If you like er, you can willingly shake hands with a big or long live crab. Feel free and shake hands with it. You would be happy and pretend ‘you are fine thank you and you?’ This is a philosophical reality to tell you that when going through tough times, you are being prepared for greater things.

When people describe themselves as ‘I am a humble and down-to-earth person’, what at all do they mean? You have no idea how it pains me to hear this especially when you see at the back of his car an old school sticker that reads: ‘I am a proud santa’.

Humble there and proud here? No, Bra Kwame, that is double standard. You can’t do the two. Let people describe you as humble and not you yourself. I sat on a panel to interview a job applicant. He should tell us about himself, he started by saying: ‘my name is Mr Brown’.

Must you be the one to start giving titles? Should such a person get the job, you can be sure he would have a problem with people especially his subordinates and his peers who fail to address him as ‘Sir’ or ‘Mr Brown’. Abeg, let’s be humble even though we are all pretending to be humble when we are actually proud! The number cause of a truly humble person is poverty.

No be so? Hahaaaa! You naaa, you don’t have and you want to bluff who? That is why when it is getting to the end of the month, I avoid this guy who is not poor but simply does not manage his finances well. He is fond of greeting me around this time.

He would first of all send me either a message or a video that will suggest that he needs financial support or something close. Soon after that, he would ask me for a soft loan from you. Just yesterday, he did same again. He first sent me the song in which there is a line that says: ‘if I no get I go borrow…’. I blocked him immediately. I don’t want any problem; everybody is managing especially so long as God is giving us the energy to go and come every day! Be careful who you give soft loans to; you would have to explain to some of them one million times why you need your money back. You no get, you no get, finish!

HIV / AIDS is real. Maybe the PLWWHA should help produce an education material. He or she who feels it is a better testimony giver than he or she who is being paid to advise. Advice is good but experience shared is better. Let’s all be careful. Not every meat is worth eaten in its raw state! You may never know!

Yeso, what is the use of wardrobes in guest houses? Does anybody really use them especially for one night eyi? Please guest house owners, don’t waste your investments on wardrobes wai the same way you have reduced the sizes of your bathing soaps. All we need are hangers and a table to put our things on and a good orthopaedic bed with 3 pillows that can stand the ‘test of time’.

One pillow for me, one pillow for her and the other pillow to raise ‘body’ for the ‘this thing’ to facilitate easy access to eyi! You should have noticed by now that nobody really uses the wardrobes that’s why many have such funny smells! After all, how long are we going to be in your guest room!

Last week my friend Fofoi confessed to me that he didn’t know that an ordinary shaving stick could be an aphrodisiac. It can be a very potent aphrodisiac in the hands of a loving wife shaving the lower inner perimeter of a caring husband. But I warned him because the same shaving stick can become a weapon in the hands of an unhappy and angry wife! Be careful when to give her the shaving stick to shave you; first be sure she is happy with you.

But I think you have a question in mind and that is: ‘to shave where’? However, if the ‘battery’ is perpetually weak, 100 shaving sticks can be used but you would still be there asking your wife unnecessary questions! I heard too much consumption of okro soup is not good for men o, though not medically proven. I used to doubt this until last Thursday when I embarrassed myself and found myself asking my mother-in-law’s daughter useless questions such as: ‘How old is Accra Great Olympics?’ all in the bid to buy time to possibly regain ‘consciousness’.

I want to ask o but please don’t insult me in your head wai, Kofi. What at all do men remove from their trousers when they are about to urinate by the road side and why do they shake that thing kparakpara like that after urinating? What do they put back into the trousers and zip it after urinating? Eish have you ever tried to close the zip your jeans trousers and it zipped on the thing? Aiiiii! It can be painful o especially if in this situation and you don’t know whether to zip it up or zip it down to free yourself from the ‘fowlers snare’.

Herh! It often happens to drunk people whose distins become semi weak and to put it succinctly mildly, ‘half clutch’! Some of the ladies too, especially those who urinate in the corner of the road side: what do you ‘sweep’ with your left hands to one small corner when you squat to pass water and after that, the fabric-like thing sweeps itself back to cover something!

And what is that something that is covered? Me I have not seen some before oo! Worse of all, both men and women spit into the pee afterwards. Is there any relationship between saliva and urine? Forgive me o because I don’t even know what I am talking about o! Haven’t you urinated before? Hahahahahahahaha!

I am sure some people are already insulting me in your head right now because today is Fridayyyyyyy and some of us are already expecting salaries and getting unnecessarily angry at ourselves when we see an alert that is not money but an SMS telling us about how close we are to winning some money by answering some questions! The way I hate that thing er.

They would often tell you that you are 10,000 times closer so you should answer a question say: ‘who brought cocoa to Ghana’ and they expect you to give your answer as ‘Abedi Peley’ though Fernandopo and Tetteh Kwashie would also be in the portmanteau questions. I wonder who are behind such messages. It can be annoying to me paaa!

Do you remember some time last year during one of my visits to my holy village, I left my car door with its glasses rolled down and went to Uncle Dr Votia’s shallot farm?

It is probably one of the few towns one can leave his car door open with valuables for 24 hours and come back to meet them intact, all things being equal.

Kwebu’s weeding experience of a large acre of land can never be forgotten. He weeded without getting tired. We were told he had been weeding for four days non-stop and had done almost five acres of the weeding as of then. The reason? He went to ‘thief’ cassava from the said farm the previous day without the owner’s permission. Nobody asked him to come back and weed but the ‘forces’ that compelled him to come and weed were strong.

By the conditions of the ‘powers’ he had to continue weeding till the farm owner himself comes to stop him. How can this be recorded in any police books as a crime? Unfortunately for him, the farm owner had travelled to France on holidays. He is still weeding.

Have a great long weekend and remember the things that keep you going are not the very serious ones but the ‘useless’ ones like this column. Whether one takes things too seriously or not, he or she would still go when the time comes! A bad day will expire the same way a good day would do; enjoy every moment!

God forgive those of us who are thinking something else that could be big or long! Is it not flat screen TV size 120 inches on which I watch football matches? Ah! Lest you forget, the question again is: ‘what do men shake and why do they shake it and for what’ after urinating? Please keep the answer to yourself; no one needs it; just urinate! Enjoy life now!