Useless Column: ‘Condom in my wife’s bag’

Happy belated International Women’s Day to all ‘we-men’. You do all. Hahahahaa! If you know the power you possess er, women, no man can bluff you o.

But MEN are still not treated fairly. Last November or so when it was International Men’s Day, they made it coincide with International Toilet Day! Imagine! But last Monday March 8, 2021, when it was International Women’s Day, they made it a holiday. Men are so unlucky. This year, only God can tell what International Men’s Day will coincide with again.

Did you know that the worst form of disrespect to the court is when a husband impregnates his wife when their divorce case is still being heard? In fact, the most annoying part is when they get to court after an adjournment and the woman is seen with her protruded tummy smiling to her husband in the presence of the judge.

I think there should be a law tied to the Biblical scriptures that if anyone gets married, there should be no divorce except in cases of spousal violence.

The ‘third’ factor also plays a role. Those of us, sorry I mean those of you who claim you love a second person and still go to church, why don’t you just marry that second person too! Disclaimer: this does not apply to women who want to marry a second man o. That is Haram! Disaster! Taboo! Offence! Inequality! Unfair! The women will kill me today for my bias. Hahahahahaha!

Only God knows the sincerity in our hearts but for us, we are bad as human beings!

I met her even after marriage. I told you before that I was a virgin even after university. This was not because I didn’t have feelings o, but because I was self-disciplined and wanted to get what I wanted before going into the ‘ladies industry’.

A former law court judge who is a great advisor to me kept telling me from my Achimota days that I should forget about girls for now [that was at the time] and focus on my books till I finish university. After that when I get a stable job and life seems okay, the girls themselves would come by themselves smiling and it came to pass! Respect the elderly o, yoo! When they ask you not to go to the sea on Tuesdays to fish, don’t go oo, yoo!

The first time I tasted the ‘thing’, it was during my national service and it was so sweet and I began having regrets for denying myself all the sweetness earlier in life because, the opportunities abounded for me to go reckless but I was careful not because of poverty alone o but because of what I wanted in life – to break that jinx of poverty.

Those were the days I could be in the room with my then girlfriend and all the songs you would hear playing throughout the night was: ‘Move to the right in the name of Jesus, move to the right in the name of the Lord”. The compact disc was put on replay throughout the day and my Mum thought me and my girlfriend were praising God. Hahahaha! It was a decoy just to deceive them.

We were enjoying as my girlfriend was also a virgin prior to us coming together. She also enjoyed it to the extent that, anytime she visited and was about to go but needed ‘for the road’, she would say: ‘please when I dress up, don’t disturb me o’. She would never say it direct because she was feeling shy.

That was the time I changed Church to her church and when it was all over, I changed church again and again and again. The only place I didn’t visit because of a girl was the shrine! Ao! Men! God forgive us our sins!

So after marriage, my wife’s parents and relatives danced very well but she was a virgin though I was not. Contrary to what people say that when your wife’s relations dance too much at your wedding, then it means she has a child somewhere without your knowledge, it was not the case with my wife.

But seriously, are most ‘born-ones’ not the best marriage materials? They have experience. They know what they have gone through and are more likely to cherish your union better than the ones who are not. This is especially so if you treat them well better than their baby papas.

Meanwhile these baby papas will go round looking for single virgins to marry. You see how unfair men can be to ladies? If God really wants to punish us for the way we handle our women er, hmmm! Shame unto the men who beat their women! Shay shay shay! Shame!

So I yielded to peer pressure and went in for a girlfriend after marriage. She was so sweet and lovely. She resembled my wife so I wondered why I even went in for her to start with. There was only a slight difference.

She loved me and I pretended to love her too. She never asked me for money, but I gave her money willingly, mostly as a surprise. She started calling me: ‘Dee’.

I was told later by a friend, a womanizing mentor’ that as soon as they advance to calling you like that, then they are beginning to assume the role of a wife so it would be time to drop them! Really? But I love this girl.

On and on it went until one day she told me: ‘Honey (the same way my wife calls me), I love you so much and wish your wife dies so that I can take over”. Eish! Please what do you mean by that? And quickly she said she didn’t even know why she said that but I still took it seriously as ‘out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks’.

Well, that unnecessary relationship ended.

I met her recently at a private funeral. It was then she advised me to stay away from this ‘side chic’ business as many side chics come in first for the fun of it and mommo of it and then, as the thing sweet them, they wish they are actually married to you and that I was lucky I pulled the brakes on her in particular otherwise she was going to make me ‘lock her’ and then she comes to give me ell and my wife, out of anger would pack and go. She told me how some may go to the extent of using juju to create confusion in your home so they can take over. I believed her somehow.

The platitude that sin fascinates and assassinates is so real. Refer to Genesis 3:17 and Psalm 128:3. The problem here with the latter scripture is that many wives have become lazy after marriage because they feel they have arrived.

When boys boys meet and are conversing, the akpeteshie ones would often open up to you. 7 out of every 10 guys complain about dissatisfaction with their sexual needs with their wives. This is not qualitative research based on opinions o; but pure quantitative from the horses’ own mouths.

Many of our wives don’t know how to keep us to stick to Psalm 128:3. But for people like Kofi, his wife gives him everything…yet he still cheats with those girls. He is just a congenital womanizer and this I keep warning him to slow down; not to reduce it oo.

Fii, be careful and follow the Bible o, yoo!

On a more serious note, were you actually expecting to see a condom in your wife’s bag? Ei, if it were to be me, I would faint first!

If I were a wife, I would intentionally do that to scare my husband for him to cherish her the more because it would give the husband the feeling that he could lose her to another man if he misbehaved. Men, don’t think you are on top of the head of the family o. Which family? They are the head o, don’t let them deceive you with what is in the Bible.

Women have power and when they show it small as if to tell you, if you cheat, I will cheat, men behave better. No be so? Hahahahahaha!

Come on, use condoms to control the population o, women. Any updates on the use of female condoms?

Happy belated International women’s day!