Useless Column: 'DNA fufu party'

Did you know that on judgment day, some people will still tell God that they can explain.

Explain what?

Anyway, it is in my DNA that I explain everything, even if I am wrong.

My dear brother, explain what exactly?

It would be too late.

If you have to enter fire, just enter and let me pass by and go to heaven, though I am also not sure.

Here, the who-you-know thing doesn’t work.

I am talking from experience.

Wey can we experience? Hahahahahaha!

Ehern, so for those of you who are in a hurry to do DNA tests so that you would know your wife or the mother of your child(ren) was unfaithful to you nu, what exactly do you want to achieve?

You want a good reason and every justification to sack the woman, and then you sack your kids too, and be free? No bi so?

One day one day whatever result you want to see from your DNA tests, you would see, and that would bring matters to rest as you expose your ‘empty waist’ to the world.

You probably didn’t even know about your condition.

The reality would let you know that over the years, you have just been pounding and ‘pouring only water’ and wasting energy.

You only become a double loser after taking care of the kids and having established strong emotional bonds.

Don't be in a hurry, senior man, especially if you're already in your 50s.

I am yet to see a soldier in his 50s who has a potbelly.

Don’t they eat meat or? Yeeeei, I just remembered Bra Sammy.

He is a 46-year-old and a Lt Colonel in the Salvation Army; he has a potbelly – hurrayyyyyyy! Hahahahahaha!

You may want to start with another woman all over again? Trust me, at 50, you would struggle small as your energy level begins to dwindle, and you want to be born again and satisfy the new woman?

You require special grace, which is why I think it is out of place to call things off when you are in your 50s.

How many more years do we have left?

Ah! Managing him or her like that, we're nowhere cool.

You didn't even know you didn't have any ‘tadpoles’ inside your waist, and you want to go and confirm to the world that you are incapable of making your own babies through a DNA test.

Some things are better left unknown till we leave this earth.

Abeg let that thing be, so that when you die someday, you will be remembered for being a proud father of six!

The children, whether yours or not, would read nice tributes of a loving, caring father at your funeral.

Additionally, generations thereafter would be to your credit, and your family line stands to benefit. Go and sit down, 'Papagan.' Hahai!

In fact, if this is your first time reading this abstractly satirical nothing, then you are welcome to the USELESS COLUMN, where the author talks about some of the most ‘useless’ things and plain and runs awayyyyyyyy......Haven’t you ever used saliva to lubricate the ‘place’ just because you were in a hurry to just ‘fire’ quickly, wear your boxer shorts, and go to sleep?

If you know you have not used your left fingers to collect saliva and smear it at the gate of entry before, raise your hand, let everybody see er.

In today’s fast-paced world, who has time for ‘four play’ though I have often maintained that the secret to peeling a boiled egg starts with the first knock with the back of the middle finger!

Mawuli no correct o, God! Forgive him, wae!

I had heard that in some extreme cases, errors do occur in maternity wards where babies are mistakenly swapped.

Why do you want to doubt your woman if she says you are the father?

The most important thing is to be sure that the child does not look like ‘kpatakpaa’.

You want to go and do a DNA test? Kokumiga? Go er.

People are spending fortunes and sleepless nights to be called fathers k3k3, and you, you have some, you won’t keep quiet.

You want the woman disgraced through DNA.

After all, don’t people just adopt kids? Don’t think about it; just keep them; it’s okay.

Society will respect you for being a responsible ‘father’.

There would be more dignity here than your desperate attempt at disgracing the woman.

You only end up exposing your ‘disability’ in bed.

It's similar to those who go and do an HIV test every 3 months.

One day, whatever you want to see, you will see. We would indeed all go someday but remember to wear rubber so you can live a bit longer and healthier.

Rubber is not sweet, but it saves lives, including yours. Every day raw raw raw, and pouring water waaa waaaa waaaa! Continue! Sin fascinates and assassinates!

I've stopped doing those unnecessary friendship-with-benefits things with young single ladies o.

The way many young guys and ladies have multiple partners nowadays er, even the devil is beginning to fear us.

Have you ever seen any such videos on social media showcasing HIV pranks?

Many young people simply don't know the actual names of the people they are dating.

They would be asking whether it is Akosua, Jennifer, or Comfort. Similarly, the girls would also be asking whether it is Sammy, Prosper, or Mawuli.

Repent o, for Jesus is coming.

This is no joke.

It will take us by surprise.

If in doubt, refer to your last dream and you will realise that, indeed, there is life after earth.

You are sound asleep at Weija, and then you dream that you are driving and overspeeding at Mamfe! What other proof do you need that Jesus will come again?

Gone were the days when I had contacts saved on my phone, such as ‘Gloria Dansoman,' 'Gloria Adenta,' ‘Gloria Kasoa,’ etc.

Sometimes a phone call is coming through, and I pick it, and my mind is telling me that it's the one from Adenta, whereas in reality it is the Kasoa one, as long as I see the name ‘Gloria’ ringing on my phone.

Recently, I decided to become adventurous again, and I went to try my luck again on a lady with a solid machine behind her with flood lights in front of her.

She wanted to stretch me small.

One, two attempts, and I gave up.

Sometimes it is God’s own way of preventing one from stress! Several weeks later, she also started calling me, apparently after either making up her mind or after she ended her journey with the one she was with at the time of my attempt.

They would not even tell you their relationship status, especially the guys who would present themselves as single.

What I suspected, which is the game plan nowadays, is that when they are attached to someone and don’t want to disclose it, they use you as insurance so that the day that relationship hits a snag, they come to make a claim – now, they would want to fall on you because you are the next in the queue.

Your time, and the stage of decline will come, and the one after you will also take over, just like ‘abongo lorley’.

Boys and girls are all doing it and not being truthful to themselves.

We are not trying with morality, koraaaa o, that's why HIV is on the rise and DNA clinics are growing in numbers.

When it comes to issues of DNA, the easiest conclusion drawn by society in situations where a woman gives a child to her man from another man is that ‘’eish, fear women!”.

Why not ‘fear men’ too?

Since I don’t have the capacity to judge in matters of morality, I often don’t accept this conclusion.

Where I mostly have problems is with the men who sleep with married women.

What kind of conscience at all do we have?

Even if it is pressure from somebody’s wife, must you succumb to it?

Go and read the early chapters in the book of Proverbs.

There are cautions in there about why touching another man’s wife is deadlier than any grenade thrown at you.

Interestingly, some of the men who do these things go to church more than Jesus Himself.

They would preach to you the importance of the fear of God, yet do the opposite!