Useless Column: 'Election medicine'

That time of the year has come again. Hehehehe! Just like the game of football, some people will celebrate the Christmas in extreme joy and some others will be getting angry at the slightest provocation especially when driving in traffic. Elections 2024! Nothing to be anxious about. It is either your preference wins or loses – very simple.

On a lighter note, if you are a voter like me and you want to take some dangerous risks, no problem. Just go to Kumasi Bantama and start shouting with a megaphone on top of your voice: “Bahama will win”. The other option is to go to Anlo Keta and scream on top of your voice: “Mawumia will win”. Hehehehe! Abeg, this anecdote is just a joke and not a suggestion for you to take such mega risk!

Have you ever had this experience during elections? You get to the polling station. You already know who you want to vote for but the moment you have the ballot paper in your hand and about to thumbprint, something tells you to change your mind. At this point, the decision comes in split seconds and if you are not careful, you may start wondering why you took that decision especially as soon as you drop the thumb printed ballot paper into the box.

My friend, Semevor was a polling agent in Veta for MPP. Moments after the 2020 elections, the guy came back wanting to cry. Why? He said he didn’t know what happened and that before he knew it, he had voted for Bahama. In fact, he went on to say, “my brother, the thing no be physical o’ Hahahaha! What made him draw this conclusion was the fact that as soon as he dropped the ballot paper in the box, he saw an old man standing under some tree and laughing obviously at him. Who say election medicine no dey? Dey there!

My late father once said: “If you are an orphan and you are passing by and you hear a parent reprimanding his or her child, please slow down and eavesdrop what is going on; don’t be in a hurry to pass. Tip toe and open your ears and listen carefully. Good morning Efo Livingstone Yaovi Ocloo, Adafienu Mants3! You have too many wise sayings la. The ‘lawyer’ who has refused to study law. Your matter hard too much! Anyway, I am glad to learn from two young ones that you are the one supporting them financially to study law. That sounds good. Innit?

Abeg, this column is called ‘Useless Column’ the reason it comes with awarning: ‘Don’t read’. It is full of abstract things you don’t need for anything. You may want to end the reading here because ‘don’t read’! If you have already read up to this point, it’s okay, please go and sleep.

Yeeei! It just occurred to me o. I didn’t bath well last night and I suspect my armpit is smelling kako kako kako but it’s ‘manly’ to smell unpleasantly; no be so? If you are a man and you smell nicely, then you have a problem; it’s ungodly. A man’s mouth must smell, sometimes of akpeteshie mixed with smell from eating ‘yesterday banku and pepper with koobi as well as mormorni inside the tin.

Ehern, still with this election medicine matter. So someone woke up one early morning and decided that among all the names in the world, (regardless of the meaning) a constituency should be called ‘Odo-do-dio-diooo’? Ei Bra Korlai! Hmmm! That person deserves an award from the State. The person has done well paaa.

His or her counterpart who also named a constituency ‘Mion’ is equally talented! God bless the two of you. Amen! To have succeeded in summarising the name of a whole constituency into a one-syllable word requires a genius to do so – Mion! Nice name devoid of any speculation and suspicion! Odododiodio alone has between seven to eight syllables depending on how one decides to pronoun the name. My friend, take your time, don’t rosh.

Borkorrrr, you would get there…it is located very close to the Atlantic Ocean – O-do-do-di-o-di-ooo!

There are also those who want the details of nearby towns in the name of the constituency. They are very generous people who like to satisfy everyone. They don’t want to exclude their neighbours from the constituency’s name. Just see: Asikuma-Odoben-Brakwa.

Only one constituency – 3 towns. Hmmm! Komenda-Edina-Eguafo-Abirem-Municipal, Ejura-Seche-dumase Municipal, Agortime Ziope, Ketu South, La Nkwatanang Madina Municipal, Abura-Asebu-Kwamankese, imagine!

Here comes their senior-most - Bunkpurugu Nyankpanduri! Alla! God is King! If you succeed in pronouncing this name without your teeth having a clash with your tongue, you can conveniently confirm that indeed, Jesus is Lord! Bibiani Anwhiaso Bekwai Municipal constituency (really?), Sehwi Akontonbra! Clap for them: Kpa kpa kpa kpa kpaaaaa!

The journalists who do well to pronounce their names during elections should be given allowances for being able to pronounce some of these names! Some of the constituencies deserve 4 Members of parliament because of their names. Odododiodioo alone deserves 7 MPs.

How can they have only one MP as against Mion constituency! Bodi is also a 4-letter name but with two syllables – 2 MPs! When I did the calculations, we need not less than 700 MPs using syllables! One syllable, one MP! Oh Lord God have mercy on me - Sawla-Tuna-Kalba constituency makes starrrkiss tuna come to my appetite any time the name is mentioned on radio. My in-laws from Kassena-Nankana, kweytam! Quite romantic and rhythmic by sound! More MPs needed here!

Some are not that long but the weight of their names require more MP’s to carry. My own constituency: Ngleshie-Bortianor-Amanfrom. Why don’t we just make it ‘English Constituency’? Don’t forget these other constituencies: Kpone (forget about the ‘Katamanso’ and you would be fine), Binduri Constituency, Garu, Bongo, Zabzugu, Sagnarigu, Okere, and Pusiga (the first two syllables would have been okay for me). Together with Chereponi, they are all constituencies with names that sound with some swag! Aowin constituency (you will win what, Mr Offin?) Ern?.

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You see what some of the names have done to me in my quest to type their names on my computer?

Let us look for names that will also attract tourists small. I like these ones: Effia Kwesimintsim (long but sweet, depending how you want to interpret ‘long but sweet’), Prestea-Huni-Valley. You alone, in a valley? Ha! Ellembelle, Afadzato, Lambussie-Karni, Dafiama-Bussie-Issa, Krachie-Michumuru, etc. Sexy names they sound like!

Savelugu is the only constituency that sounds like a car in second gear till Nanton Constituency comes in to cool the speed at 5th gear - nanton! High pitch Savelugu to low pitch Nanton – the same constituency! Several tonnes of onions can be produced here in commercial quantity, anaa?

Please don’t bring me problem o. Na joke I dey joke o. Greetings to my Brothers who are constituents of Ayawaso West Wuogon constituency! I don’t know how my siblings found themselves here because it is the richest constituency in Ghana. Does this constituency even need an MP? Legon, East Legon, West Legon, GIMPA, Abelenkpe, Dzorwulu, Airport Residential Area are all part. Well, it could just be called Elite Constituency - simple!

To all aspirants, let the will of God be done! ‘Hododiooo’, the response in my hometown is: ‘Hoooo’ especially when we are about to enter the weekend to have fun at Osekan Beach Resort in the Odododiodio Constituency!

Till we meet again next weekend at the polls in peace ….have a ‘mion constituency’ weekend, meaning simply cast your vote on December 7 and go home and sleep. The results will be on radio!