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Useless Column: 'How it leaked'

Mawuli Zogbenu 1212.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu is the author

Sat, 16 Sep 2023 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

The day the dog will vex and decide to take adult human beings to court over copyright breaches er, the whole world will go to jail. That is why when dogs vex, they attack and bite us rof rof without mercy. They normally bite men; I didn’t understand why until recently! Now I understand why I was once attacked by my own dog. Cadafi will be the first to welcome me back from work until one day when it went bonkers and attacked me. All because I was using its ‘intellectual property’ without giving it credit.

Meanwhile, I used to pour milk into a bowl for this dog to lick and lick and lick o. Around that same time, my roof also started leaking because it was the rainy season and I had to call a carpenter to come and seal all the leakages but still, my house leaked anytime it rained until I engaged the services of a roofing company. It was then they told me how my roof leaked. They attributed it to poor job done by the carpenter. I am worried because it is raining nowadays paaa! Hmmm! As for we, men er, the vetting committee at heaven’s gate will by all means ask us questions as to why we copied the dog without paying royalties and still give them left over food. But some dogs at yeast Legon eat better food than some people I know o. Poverty…kpakpakpa away…kpakpakpa…away! Poverty is a crime, ei! Poverty, gerrout! In Jesus name! amen!

Dogs are the most transparent animals in the world. They are so loyal to owners that when they are not happy with you, they turn away and you can see them physically doing so. But when a human being turns away from you er, it is difficult to tell especially if they keep smiling with you. Be guided! That is why dogs do the ‘thing’ in public for everybody to see so that when there is a problem, there will be no need for a witness.

Without their openness, they go dey explain explain without evidence. Whatever you are thinking has nothing to do with this heading; it is real life, no bi so? Any which way, men and women prefer it to any other ‘waste of time styles’.

Can’t you see the dog is not bothered about who steals their copyright? If only dogs know how adult human beings are benefitting from the continuous legacy they have left for us er, they would have sued us long ago. The only side effect is the gas ‘this mode of transport’ produces especially when one of the ‘participants’ has eaten fried eggs and beans the previous night. Ogidigi! Alla!

Take life easy as in 100 years’ time, 99.9 percent of humans who are alive today may be in another world. If I see any of you in 100 years’ time roaming around town wasting fuel and food by ‘hat’ er, heyyy hey! Let’s enjoy life with some of the ‘craziest things’ like this abstract write-up which has no meaning or value. It is just like wele; no nutritional value but we still enjoy chewing wele even though sometimes wele would want to rebel by getting stuck in our teeth.

Last Saturday recorded the highest number of funerals I’d had to attend. I attended 6 six such funerals and the oldest of the deceased was 50 years. Aged 34 years, 36, 23, 18, and even 15! The youth - Why? Let us go for regular check -ups o. Sometimes the first sign of having a serious medical condition without one knowing is ‘gone too soon! We talk about blood pressure but kidney, liver disorders, reckless driving and some terrible lifestyles are equally dangerous.

No one knows tomorrow but some people are just blessed in addition to what they do responsibly to live longer lives! 80 years old and they are still strong and going. Mr Eusebius Agodzo who had worked with the Meat Marketing Board, the Ministry of Environment, among others has the secret to enjoying life even after 80. Last Sunday at his 80th birthday party at Abelenkpe, he shared his secret with us. According to him, the secret to having a healthy life are as follows: have a clean heart and positive thoughts towards everyone. No scheming of evil against anyone and FORGIVING people unconditionally’. My you live another 80 years to come, Agodzogan Senior! We love you, Daddy!

Don’t think about his advice; just offend somebody deliberately; he or she needs it! My wife is my target this evening; I am going to consciously offend her by removing one leg from under the bed so that when she lies on it, the bed will give way and she will fall. As she falls, the rats under the bed will scatter and then I laugh ‘kwakwakwakwa! Don’t mind me o. This ‘useless talk’ keeps me going! It is the only form of madness that keeps me walking hundreds of kilometers with distinction from Dansoman to Ofankor barrier. Y3nbr33y3!

Today is Friday and no advice is taken seriously except these kind of ‘useless’ write-ups which have no meaning.

Don’t toy with the heart of your wife o. I had a little fight with my wife regarding too much amani in my soup and she bore roff! The following day while enjoying my Saturday morning reggae music blurring from my home theatre, I saw her in a moody state.

She went to complain to her father that she heard me playing Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s not Ezay’ and she felt this was a threat to her because she didn’t understand why ‘it’ should be easy for me to start with. What actually broke her heart the more was the fact that immediately after that Lucky Dube song, I played Bob Marley’s ‘No Woman No Cry’ which according to her suggested that I could live without her. The truth is that in spite of the ‘misbehavior’ of most of us men, we still want a woman at home. After all, who doesn’t want ‘problems’! Ajeeeeeii!

Anyway since then, I’ve stopped playing the above songs and now only play ‘Love Doesn’t ask why’ by who sef? Celine Dion, or? I am waiting for her reaction the day she will hear me play Nana Tufuor’s ‘Miyiri Dadeey San b3 wari me’ (My ex-wife, come back to me’…’ She is likely to assume I have an ex-wife, abi? I don’t blame her. Even the day Adam went out and came home late, Eve quietly used her mobile phone torchlight to check from his ribs whether God has not taken one more rib out to create another woman somewhere for Adam as Eve’s rival. Adam was such an unlucky man; he didn’t have any side chic! Poor him; he never enjoyed! In all of these, remember: Sin fascinates and assassinates!

I was only enjoying my reggae with no such thoughts as she had o but see where it has landed me. Now my father-in-law who is a no nonsense lawyer is after me. Anyway, he is a man too so he understands my problem, I think. I am glad it wasn’t my mum-in-law! Yes, yes, yes, would you believe that when I was much younger, anytime I hear Father-in-law, mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, I thought they were lawyers? I left them alone la ah!

On Mothers’ Day I requested a song to be played for wifee and the title of the song is “She’s the Queen” by Taurus Riley. On Father’s Day this year, guess the song this woman requested to be played for me on a radio station – “Odo kakra, sika kakra….Akosombo ey woy3 Chisel’ Me, Chisel?

One of the above songs made me remember the days when my late father used to send me to buy him ‘Paul Maul’ cigarette or ‘55’! The first misleading information I was ever exposed to was when my father would send me to buy him ‘55’ and on the box of the cigarette is ‘555’! What is so difficult about calling all the ‘5s’? The second confusing word was ‘Diplomat’. I grew up only to realise that the word means a highly revered rep of one country in another country. Ah! ‘55’ and ‘Diplomat’, why?

If you already smoke, please be careful you don’t ‘exit’ this earth as a result of lung cancer which can be traced to heavy doses of smoking! The vetting committee at heaven’s gate will be waiting to ask whether you are a chimney or an exhaust pipe! Have a great weekend and continue to be good small, bad small. Don’t judge yourself; after all, no one is perfect!

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu