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Useless Column: Men are confused

Mawuli Zogbenu1.jpeg Mawuli Zogbenu

Fri, 21 May 2021 Source: Mawuli Zogbenu

Stranger: Hello

Recipient of Call: Yes hello

Stranger: Please is this Akosua? My name is Bryan, Auntie Maggie from Germany gave your number to me.

Recipient of Call: Yes this is Akosua and I spoke with Auntie Maggie just last month and she mentioned you to me. How are you doing Bryan?

Stranger (now identified as Bryan): that’s very true. I returned just last two weeks myself from Germany and I just decided to touch base with you. Auntie Maggie gave me some items to be given to you.

Recipient of Call (now confirmed as Akosua): Oh nice; she mentioned she was going to surprise me but I didn’t know it was going to be this quick. Very good to know.

Bryan: Oh she didn’t even tell me the package was a surprise to you. Anyway, when can you pick it up? I think apart from the perishables, there is also an iphonne and an apple laptopp in the parcel.

Akosua: OMG! I can’t believe this! God will bless this my Auntie o. Please Bryan, just tell me where you are and I will be right there for the parcel.

Bryan: Ok, I am quite busy this morning but we can meet tomorrow near the junction to my residence.

Akosua: Awesome, please where do you live?

Bryan: Kasowa!

Akosua: Ern? Please you can keep the parcel wae. I will tell Auntie Maggie I have received the items anyway.

Bryan: Oh why? Is it because of the traffic congestion on the road? Okay, if you wouldn’t mind, I can bring it to you myself next two days at your Dzorwulu residence.

Akosua: Mister Bryan, I say it’s okay. Keep the parcel wae. I will tell Auntie Maggie I have received the items anyway. Thanks. Bye!

You see what some bad nuts in Kasowa have done to the reputation of those of us living in and around the western part of Accra? Hmmm!

I felt so sad the last time I sat in trotro and a certain passenger was lamenting the fact that his biggest regret was the fact that he relocated from Ashayima to Kasowa! I was surprised because I thought these are two beautiful cities or? Hahahahahaha! Ajeeeeei! It’s Fridayyyyy and let’s take it easy on ourselves o. Life is to short to be taken too serious all the time. No be so? Haahahaaahhaa!

This God er, hmmm! He knew that one day one day, man and woman would create cars which would need crude oil to power them and He went to hide crude oil under the sea and it came to pass that one of the world’s most important commodity today is crude oil!

When I used to play football in my hay days, scoring goals was my stock-in-trade especially scoring own goals! It was not my fault but the fault of the coach who always wanted me to play number 3! Ei! This thing that I am saying er, Mr Gamel, my P.E Teacher in Anunmle 3 & 4 Primary in the 1980’s would not be happy to hear this. He had negative confidence in me la!

My eyes are still worrying me oo and I suspect something. I suspect because I have been looking at girls at Kwashieman junction anytime I drive past. I heard super glue is very good for eye problems. I own the disclaimer here.

My grandma did that because she thought the superglue bottle looks exactly like that of an eye drop and died the following day from the pains after going blind instantly. You should be able to tell the difference between sugar and salt o, yoo!

My uncle Korshiga was a landlord to some Kwawu family. He was a casket carpenter and that is quite obvious. His Kwawu tenant’s son painfully died at age 16. As a carpenter, it was easy for the Landlord to donate a casket which he did with a lot of joy. After the funeral, it was only nice to show appreciation to all the people who, in diverse ways, helped to make the funeral a success. The bereaved family went to thank Ayigbeni landlord, my Uncle.

Tenant: God bless you oo, Efo landlord, for donating a coffin to us to bury our dear son.

Landlord: No mention. To God we give the glory

Tenant: You have surprised us oo. People say so many bad things about Ayigbe people but you are an exception. You are so generous. God bless you.

Landlord: well, as for this world what else can you do but to help your neighbor in distress! After all how much is wood? It is rather your children who don’t often want to die or else, as for coffin, I don’t have a problem donating as much as you want.

(Tenant and his entourage fainted, regained consciousness later and ejected themselves from the house!) Hahaaaaa!

My people? Hmmm. Me sef, ibi so I dey! My people will finish me tomorrow when I attend that funeral in the village. yeeeei! They won’t attack me physically for anybody to think they have committed a crime oo. When I get back to Accra, only God knows what next! Mawuena, abeg na joke I dey joke o. I now you because the next thing is for you to freeze my phone. Hahahahaa

Wow! The United Nations (UN) has a new Secretary-General oo and I initially thought it was me. Up till now, how many people know he is called Antonio Guteres? Did you know he is from Portugal? I greet you o, Sir.

Did you know you have to plan your pensions with some project or life insurance now, Yaovi? Last two weeks Thursday was the burial of the twin brother of Bra Tawia, the weak old young man who has refused to retire. This man looked so old but will refuse to retire as his age was still under retirement age. He could hardly even carry any file from one point to another.

Sad to say, Bra Tawia lost his twin brother and the burial was what I attended.

Bra Tawia was so bold and proud to paste posters of obituary all over this State agency office of his late brother inviting ‘all friends and sympathizers are cordially invited’. Indeed he attracted some sympathy but he was fired the following day even before his brother’s funeral.

The reason? On Bra Tawia’s brother’s obituary was ‘Aged -77’. Dasorrrrr! How on earth can your twin brother die at age 77 and you claim you are 47? I mean how? Hmmm! Even at age 45, I am already tired waking at 4am everyday going to work!

Just plan your life financially well and by 55, be getting ready to have some rest. I keep saying that the worst thing I will do to myself is to be given a letter notifying me about when my 60th birthday will be and that I should start the handing over process.

Even if it has to be so, I am sure I will be smiling to go and continue managing my own business. Reduce my age so I can continue being under the stress of work? For what? Chai!

If you haven’t attended Cyto before, you would never know that the lion’s head is in its waist. When we were reciting the rhyme at Anunmle 3 Primary School, it went like: ‘A lion, a lion…a lion has a tail (and here we hold the head). It has a big head (and then we hold the waist) and a very small waist (and then we go back to hold the head). Aoo! Cyto! Hmmmm.

Tomorrow is exactly 5 years when thieves broke into my house and made away with my remote control thinking it was an eye phone and my cooked rice and light soup. Get a German shepherd dog or Kejebi Shepherd!

After all, all dogs can do the same thing when they see a thief – shout! Don’t get one lazy type that I got before and when the thieves entered my house to say ‘everybody hands up’, the dog would be the first to hands up. ‘Everybody lie down’; the dog would be the first to lie down.

Ironically I named it Tiger! Happy weekend and stay safe because COVID 19 is still around looking for people who are not adhering to the safety protocols.

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu