Useless Column: 'Open it gently'

I think I advised you before that if you have two wives and want to be happy, allow them to keep fighting; in fact, encourage them to be quarrelling – it will give you a better peace of mind. If you don’t and they begin to be on good terms with each other, you are finished!

It is similar to having an Accountant and an Internal Auditor being on such good terms that, they start going out for lunch together. Hahahaha! No worries o; this is just a satire piece meant to learn nothing from. Please let peace prevail o…in all things.

This Christmas holidays, please everything should be done in moderation including effective time management. To those pastors who don’t have regard for time and would be preaching forever even when some of us are sleeping in the chapel, please we beg, make it concise and simple. If the service is scheduled for 2 hours, stay within the two hours and let’s close.

But why is it that no matter how boring church service may be, as soon as the pastor changes the sermon topic to sexual immorality everyone becomes alert wanting to hear more of what we know already? Eish! Heaven hotel rooms may be empty on judgement day o.

Now many of the rooms in heaven are fully booked in advance by some people who keep deceiving themselves including me! I am beginning to observe a situation where people are getting closer to God than to the church. Don’t think about it; just go to church! Hmmm! Let me leave it here before I am charged for ‘contempt of church’. Halleluya!

Last week when I talked about the snake that entered my house in the night, which I couldn’t kill because of power outage due to ‘pre-paid getting finished’, a friend, Dickson called me from Spain to find out what happened next. I am sure some of you, readers who read that article titled ‘No kissing this Christmas’, may have the same question.

The truth is that nothing happened. The only thing I remember was that I did not sleep in the house that night. The light came back after the snake could not be traced. My greatest fear was where the snake might have gone to hide during the brief power outage. What if it turned out that it had gone to hide in the bedroom? Maybe under my bedsheet! Yesu! To be on the safer side, I drove out of the house with the kids and went to sleep in a guest house nearby. My courageous Wife refused to join us. Nothing scares that woman o. She slept in the house alone till day break la.

In the hotel room too, at some point, I felt something moving under the bedsheet lorgor-ligi-lorgor-ligi and I jumped out thinking it could be a snake….I later noticed it was my belt. Me and my fear of snakes. How do we even call it in English Language? Ahaan it is called ‘Ophi-dio-phobia’. Hmmm!

When I returned home with the kids the following morning, my Wife had finished killing the snake and went ahead to burn it…with so much ease. As to where she got this courage from to look for the snake in the midst of all the unorganized contents in the house, I am sure it’s from her Northern background.

My in-laws don’t fear anything o. Chai! They don’t joke with me even though I am still owing them two cows which were supposed to be part of my dowries. Close to a decade and half now and I am still owing two cows. Ebei! Mawuli! How much is a cow that I can’t afford? Apparently, I am the first person to marry a Kassena wife on credit. My in-laws, please don’t worry o.

I will bring the cows next year please. Chiana has the best women and wife materials in the whole world! If for nothing at all, they are so submissive and courageous; the reason they can kill snakes with ease. If you are a man who fears snakes and yet to marry, I have already indirectly told you where to look for a wife, not wives o! Hahaaaa!

I am back again with this matter of multiple wives and its wahala.

As for the disadvantages we know them but we can manage. Since I often make reference to the scriptures, I think men would be asked to account for the 6 women each married man is supposed to be with and they are not, officially’! We must be responsible o, men. What did the Bible say in Isaiah 4 verse 1 about this?

‘In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!” – Isaiah 4:1 (NIV).

In spite of this wonderful scripture, we are still feeling guilty of touching that single mature lady apart from our wives? Hahaaa! Abeg, we need 6 more wives to be complete, my brother. If God asks you at the heaven’s gate how many women you married and you say only one, He may refer you to the scripture in Isaiah 4:1 o, yoo. Ei but only one wife sef, it is not easy, then 7? Ha! What I don’t understand is the use of the word ‘disgrace’ at the tail end of the scripture.

‘Disgrace’ about what? Some of those single fine fine Ladies, please I am available this weekend to be ‘taking away’ your ‘disgrace’ o! Come…come…come, no problem! Disgrace will vanish! But warning: momo no dey inside! Me myself, this Christmas, I am not seeing top before you bring me that your cracked eye phone problem among several other non-existent medical conditions.

Out of the seven I have learnt to ‘sort myself out’ through the ‘trap door’. The other 6 unofficial ones keep giving me different types of headaches but I am managing it small small. How for do! What is the use of a man if his woman does not give him headache! Ah! Just endure it!

The only thing I don’t like about this bit is the modus operandi – everything must be done in secret and in hiding! You have to open trap doors gently and sneak out so that the original Madam will not hear krrrr. Eish! Men hate stress but like chasing stress! Anyway, it’s Christmaaaaaaasssss and most men are pretending to be good boys at home with their legitimate wives!

Abeg let this remain between you and I, Mr Francis. If my wife hears this, I will know you are the one who told her since you are the only one I shared this secret with! Because of you, now I keep secrets to myself. Not a single one is shared with anybody because the lips of human beings naturally itch to share what you’ve shared with them. Woe on to you if you add: ‘this is a secret and please don’t tell anyone o’! Hehehe! That warning only serves as a reminder.

Keep your mouth shut. Don’t be deceived into communicating everything with your wife. Or else soon, you may be asking your wife to send you momo to send to your girlfriend all in the name of transparency. Transpay…what? Go ahead and be telling her you have a side chick just because a book you read on marriage counselling says you should communicate. Communication for where? Abeg! Go ahead er! A hunter does not have to say it all!

While I encourage you to take it easy on yourselves as we enter 2025, don’t stop boarding the aeroplane because of turbulence because whether you stop or continue, there would always be turbulence and you would come down safe by God’s special grace!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. God be with us all! Amen!